Ross Noble: Randomist Page #16

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That's...that's a bit weird, that.

Who... You know what this feels like?

This feels like,

you know that scene in Minority Report?

l'll edit them out.

Look, everyone just f***ing off now.

Oh, yeah,

that's gonna look good on the DVD,

just big, empty gaps of people,

''See you! See you!''

Right, l'm gonna tell you this

and then l'm gonna go

cos l know that there's a car park

and, you know, it's gonna shut

and you're fools to yourselves.

l'm going to ring Jimmy up tomorrow

and just go, ''You did how long?

''Bloody robbing bastard!

''l do twice as long.

''Loser!''

- He won't care. (Sighs)

- (Man) Keep going all night, Ross!

''Just keep going all night!''

Just...just...yeah.

- (Cheering and applause)

- All right, yeah.

Oh, you say that now.

The thing is, l could.

You know, they are either students

or homeless people.

(People shouting)

- (Man shouts) Both!

- Both.

''Or homeless students!''

Right. That's great, that.

''Just keep going, all night long.''

lt turned into a comedy version

of Live 8.

Like a telethon. Right.

No, l won't go all night cos, you know,

he's got to work.

You what?

You did bloody stick it out.

Could you not say it in those terms, though?

(Plummy accent) ''By Jove, Ross,

l tell you what, l bloody stuck it out.

''l got through it all right, and l say,

''they all reckon

it will all be over by Christmas...

''2012.''

This is something...

and l've learned this...

and...and take this away with you,

right, tonight,

as you stand shivering

next to a closed down car park.

''Aw, please, please.''

Like l say, you'll learn something here

tonight. This is my bit of wisdom for you.

When making love, there is one thing

you must never do, and...

and there's no taboos left, right?

Doesn't matter who you are.

You can be gay, straight, Chinese...right?

They're the three types.

Have you noticed it is only

the Chinese and young offenders

who are any good at Ping-Pong?

Don't shoot the messenger.

Sorry.

There's a lass that looks Chinese

in the second row like that, going,

''Well, l'm not very good at Ping-Pong.''

ls that what you said to him?

No? OK. Sorry about that.

l was just being silly.

lt's like this show

hasn't been researched properly.

One thing which you must never do...

Get out, quickly.

One thing... For f***'s sake!

One thing which you must never do

when making love, right,

one noise, right,

and l know you've probably got it...

- (Woman shouts)

- Ah! Don't even think about it.

He's got to work,

there's people got to get their cars... Oi!

Sit back down! l'll be one minute!

l'll be one bloody minute!

What?

You'll listen as you go. Oh.

(Laughter and applause)

What a great way to end a gig that is.

Listen as you go.

lf you don't let me bloody finish this,

it's going to end with you

driving down the street,

and me running after your car,

''Just one more thing!''

Right.

When l finish, l'm gonna walk off, right?

l'm gonna come back on,

l'm gonna take a bow and then leave.

So when l walk off, don't all

f***ing stand up and leave, right?

l'll just tell you that now, right?

Stay.

Oh, f***. The f***ing graphic's

finished on the thing.

Bloody 'ell.

The graphics have turned off on the thing.

Oh, they're back, they're ba...

That's not them back, is it?

That looks a bit sh*t.

That'd be good if l had nipped off

and come back and you were going,

''l'm sorry. Gotta get to the car park.''

What's funny about this is,

like l say, l have got the cameras in,

this might be a DVD, l haven't decided,

l might just put it on the telly.

But the thing is, is that there is only

a finite number of tapes that we've got.

So chances are, we stopped recording

hours ago, you know.

l can't believe l'm saying that.

l mean, l go out,

l come back, l bow, and then l...

Otherwise it looks like

a non-committed standing ovation.

Look at that standing ovation

he's getting there, it's magnificent.

They're all holding shopping

and walking out.

Right.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

God bless you all.

There is a soup kitchen provided outside.

One...and don't even think about offering

your own noises cos we haven't got time.

One noise when making love,

and l've learned this

from personal experience, right?

When making sweet love,

there is one noise you must never make

and it's this noise...

''Dada!''

That really is all from me. Thanks for

coming. See you later! Good night!

See ya!

Wanker.

Ohh!

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