Rough Night Page #11

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Okay. Okay.

- Right there.

- Okay. Yeah.

- One.

- Two.

- Three!

- Okay.

Oh, God. Squat.

- Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Do you have it?

Yes.

Point me in his direction.

I don't have a shot!

Your leg is in the way!

- No, no. Please.

- Up!

No, please.

I shot a guy!

- Yes!

- I killed another person.

You f***ing...

Yes!

Oh, my God, you guys!

That was awesome.

- Alice, I'm so sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

No. I said things that I didn't mean.

I think it was just

the stress of killing somebody

and then trying to dispose of his body.

- Wait, what?

- Totally.

- That's a hard thing.

- Yeah, you're right.

I have changed.

I thought that I was

making people's lives better,

but I forgot about the people that

make my life better, and that's you guys.

- And I love you, and I'm sorry.

- We love you, too.

- We love you, too.

- We love you.

- We love you, Jess!

- I'm sorry, too.

And you know what? I know that I'm a lot.

And you were right,

I need to stop living in the past

- and get a hobby, you know?

- Well, it could help, right?

Next time we see each other,

we can make new memories

instead of just talking about the old ones.

Um, these zip ties are

really starting to hurt.

And I'm sorry about Peter, okay?

He does not suck.

You should totally marry him.

- Well, I will.

- Good. You should.

I mean, I had a sex dream about him,

and I didn't even tell you.

No, you actually did tell me.

- You told everybody.

- You started a group text.

It started with him brushing my hair...

You know what?

I'm gonna untie you guys now.

- Awesome.

- Yeah. Okay, great.

- Here, give me the gun.

- It was morning...

Drop the gun!

- Drop it.

- Damn it.

The keys were taped to the handcuffs,

you f***ing idiot.

You're all dead. All of you.

- No. No, Jess.

- Yeah.

Oh, really? Come on. Whatever.

What? What? What?

What?

- Oh, my God!

- Is that Peter?

Oh, my God. Is he...

- Peter!

- You guys, what's happening back there?

I can't see.

- Peter? Peter.

- Hmm?

Peter.

- Jess.

- Are you okay?

Do you not like my dick?

What?

Does it bend weird

when it gets hard, or, like...

- I don't know, is it...

- What? No, I love it.

So, you still want to get married?

Yes. More than ever

I want to get married. I love you.

I want that.

Peter...

Let's just get married.

Let's get married this weekend.

Well, what about the campaign?

Didn't you want to wait

till after the election, and...

I don't want to wait.

Everyone I love is right here.

- That's all that matters.

- Oh.

What about your parents?

Oh, my parents aren't gonna care.

They eloped.

I mean, my mom did say

to lock that down as soon as possible.

- She did?

- She loves you.

- I love you. Let's do it.

- Let's do it.

Yes!

Oh, I have the perfect place.

Do you, Jessica,

take Peter to be your husband?

I do.

And do you, Peter,

take Jessica to be your wife?

I definitely do.

Now, by the power vested in me

by GetOrdainedNow.net,

I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the groom.

So glad I didn't sell our passes

to the foam party.

- Yeah!

- Right?

So, you guys are just not in trouble?

No, we're, like, completely free.

We've committed what in Florida

is known as a "good murder."

That's a direct quote from the Miami PD.

So, not only do we not have to go to jail,

but we got a sick coupon

to Romano's Macaroni Grill.

- Do you want to dance, Pippa?

- Yeah, okay.

But call me Kiwi, okay?

All my best friends do.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Can I get you a drink?

- Oh. Um...

No.

'Cause I'm on a date

with someone else, so...

- Hey.

- Hot.

You're a hot guy. Cool.

- Here you go.

- Oh.

Oh, my God.

Has anyone ever told you

how beautiful your feet are?

No one's ever said that to me before.

You should've been told

that a million times.

Do you want to...

- F***?

- F***?

Hey.

Keep it moving. We're a thing.

Love wins.

What'd you just say?

I don't know.

I mean, who knows if it will work out?

And I don't know how you're gonna get to

New York. I guess hitchhike, but...

I already have my bags

packed, actually, so...

Well, just 'cause I'm between places...

Shut up.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Babe. It's for you.

- Hello?

- Jess, it's me.

That story about you and your friends

taking out those criminals is everywhere!

Okay?

We're getting donations and volunteers.

- What?

- Jess, you're gonna win this thing.

Are you serious? That's amazing.

Yeah, we're getting a

ton of media requests.

Okay, Good Morning America, Ellen.

Okay, you have to get back here right now.

I'm gonna get you out on the next flight.

Do you prefer window or aisle?

I'm more of a middle

seat guy myself, but...

You know what?

I'm actually getting married.

But, um, I'll be there

first thing Monday morning.

You're getting married?

Jess, I'm in love with you.

- Take a picture of us?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cool!

- I love you guys.

- We love you.

Three.

Can I see?

Um...

- No.

- My arm looks too thick.

- Another one?

- One more.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Ooh. I love it.

- That, I love.

- Alice, you can tag me.

- Finally.

We are what

These days we only follow

These days we're feeling hollow

Get paid, the only motto

We are what

They say it all gets better

They say it won't last forever

Then someone pulls the trigger

We are what

The fame, the fame

I want to hear my name

But I don't care

What for

I'll change the world

Save all those trees and birds

But first I'll grab a Starbucks

Then I'll get to work

All on

Thank God it's the weekend

My squad

Got time, we can waste it

Don't know

Should we drive to the sunset or the fire?

It's like

We live in the bubble

Pretending it's 'cause we are young

We are what

These days we only follow

These days we're feeling hollow

Get paid, the only motto

We are what

They say it all gets better

They say it won't last forever

Then someone pulls the trigger

We've got hearts in the right places

But we're still a danger to ourselves

Maybe it's 'cause we are young

We are what

Congratulations to

State Senator Jess Thayer!

Thank you.

My number one boss b*tch! Whoo!

And now to celebrate her win,

we have a special request.

Me?

Thank you so much.

I actually have a surprise

for all of you. Um...

I've written a song

that I hope can sort of encapsulate,

um, the bond of friendship

that we all have.

And so, I want to play it for you now.

Sometimes

You kill a man

When he's taking off his clothes for you

You kill a man

You kill him with your friends

And he dies

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Jesus, it's good.

Other times

When you kill a man

You need to toss his body in the ocean

And you don't care

'Cause your friends are there by your side

They make it fun

I love you, girls

I love you, Pippa!

We killed a man

We made a plan

You are my friends

And I'll never forget

This bachelorette

This bachelorette

That's the end.

- Do you guys want to come up?

- Um...

No, no, no. Don't come up. Don't come up.

- 'Cause I got to do stuff.

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