Roxanne Page #5

No.

I'd have to talk to her then.

What are you talking about?

Look, around you guys I can...

I don't know, I can relax.

I can be myself.

I'm funny, huh? You know that.

But I get around women I get...

God, I get a little...

It's not that I don't like women, okay?

But I just get a little nervous,

that's all.

Okay, so get her telephone number

and call her.

Pass.

I'd have to talk to her then for sure.

I wanted to talk to her

the other night real bad...

...but I didn't because that's how

I would've talked to her, bad.

I see. In other words,

every time you meet a woman...

...with a little charm

and style and legs...

...you'll turn around

and run the other direction.

That's a great idea.

In fact, that's brilliant.

Listen, my backhand...

It's a dumb game.

I don't know why we play it.

- Tough game, eh, ladies?

- We're just on our way there.

Chris, you know

what carpe diem is?

- Some kind of fish? Fish bait? What?

- No, no.

It's Latin. It means "seize the day."

It means there may not be a tomorrow,

so do it now.

Seek life now while you're young,

while you've got the chance.

You're telling me

to go after Roxanne, huh?

No, I wouldn't. I'd wait.

Mail her a letter.

Okay, light the thing.

See how you do.

Go.

- I got the matches, come on.

- Chief! C.D., come here.

I got it, come here. Yeah.

- You got it, all right, what?

- How to talk to Roxanne.

You were right.

I'm gonna take a chance.

Here's a girl who likes me.

Why am I afraid of her?

She's no rocket scientist.

Actually, she is a rocket scientist.

Yeah, well.

But out of all the guys

in this town, she likes me.

So, what am I afraid of? Nothing.

I'm gonna do what you said.

I'm gonna write her a letter.

I got a way with words.

Ask these guys.

I always crack them up.

You see, this way,

I can plan out what to say.

I can craft it.

In a letter,

I can be effer-goddamn-vescent.

- Chief.

- There you go.

Chief.

We can't get it started.

- I'll be out in a minute.

- Okay.

Andy, your coat's on fire.

Oh, yeah.

So, what do you think?

- He's on fire.

- Get his coat.

- Get his coat off.

- Yeah, I got it.

No, no, not the gasoline.

Not the gasoline.

- Hi, C.D.

- Hi, Cindy.

Can I help you?

Yes, I have a friend

who was looking for a cosmetic...

...or wondering, you know,

if one exists...

...that's sort of a shading

type of an arrangement.

Do you have anything like that

that would be in a shading area?

Well, we have lots

of blushes and things.

Well, what specifically is it for?

She has this feature

that she would like to...

...you know, de-emphasize.

I see,

she's got this extra-large feature...

...and she wants something

to make it look a little smaller?

Exactly.

Well, I think a dark contour

would be fine.

Great, great.

Now, how would she go about...

...you know, applying this thing on?

Well, she would...

She would just shade

the area of the feature...

...to make it appear that

there were more shadows...

...and less actual...

Well, less actual acreage.

I mean, area.

I'll take it. I'll take it.

Okay, I'll get a fresh one

from the back.

- Thanks.

- Hi, Charlie.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Oh, hi. I talked to Chris for you.

Great.

Do you think he's gonna call me

or something?

He wants to write you a letter.

A letter?

Isn't that usually what you get

at the end of a relationship?

No, actually, it's really romantic,

you know, when you think about it.

I'll explain it to you outside

if you want.

- C.D., here's your blush.

- Great.

Could you gift-wrap that

for me, please?

Oh, okay.

Oh, and these items,

I've decided against.

Okay.

- Got a girlfriend?

- Oh, no, no.

- It's for my sister.

- Oh, you have a sister?

No. It's for my sister's girlfriend.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Chris.

Oh, no, I'm not doing anything.

No, I was just...

I was just making some eggs.

Yeah, sure, come on over.

Okay, bye.

You should read the letter

before I send it.

Great, great.

Okay, we'll take a look at it.

Just one second. Perfect.

- It's quite an operation you have here.

- Why, thank you.

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's take a look at that letter.

I think it's really good.

"Dear Roxanne, how's it going?

Want to have a drink sometime?

If you do, check this box."

Well?

- How long did you work on this?

- Well, today, you know, since noon.

Noon.

Chris, that's a very long time.

- You can't send her this.

- What do you mean?

Here's what we're gonna do.

It's a good concept.

But for her,

it's gotta be more interesting.

- I worked hard on that.

- Take a pen.

Take a pen and sit down.

Just let me ask you a question.

How do you feel about her?

Me? About her?

Yeah, how did you feel

when you first saw her?

Horny.

Okay, okay.

But you can't say, "I felt horny."

You have to change it a little.

You have to say, "I felt moved.

Alive.

On fire."

- That's beautiful.

- Okay, now.

How did you feel

when you first spoke to her?

Like a d*ckhead.

No, you can't write,

"I felt like a d*ckhead."

You have to say, you know:

"I felt like a child

standing in the sun for the first time...

...feeling only your radiance."

Radiance.

I like that. I'm gonna underline that.

Okay, now, what did you do

after you saw her?

I puked.

"After seeing you,

my only nourishment was you."

- C.D., you write the letter.

- You're doing good, you do it.

You know how to say what I feel.

You write it and I'll sign it.

- No, no, no, that's...

- What?

That's dangerous. That's lying.

Not if you write what I feel.

Look, I'll just sign my name...

...and you write to Roxanne

what you imagine I'm feeling.

It will work.

What I would imagine

you're feeling?

It's practically half-written already.

No, you'd have to change that.

That's just, you know, poetic baloney.

- This is beautiful.

- No, no.

For Roxanne,

you need something startling.

Something so strange...

...that it would make her

incapable of being reasonable.

- Think you can do it?

- It would be an interesting challenge.

- You need a good pen.

- Get your favorite pen.

These are good, these are good.

These are good. All right.

And some good paper.

A quality that really takes the ink.

- Oh, the food.

- I'm taking care of that.

- Okay.

- You just take your time and...

Come on, come on, boys.

Get in there, line up. Line up.

Come on, come on.

- Come on, mayor.

- Hi, mayor.

Hello, mayor.

Six and a half minutes.

Now, that's not bad.

- Let's get into our gear.

- Fast.

- Let's get in. Come on, guys.

- Fast!

- Keep going fast.

- Hurry, get in.

Let's go, boys.

It's Operation Snowball, let's go.

Snowball.

- Snowball.

- Snowball.

Take the truck.

Hey, come here.

- Snowball.

- Come on.

Snowball.

- Snowball.

- Kitty, kitty, kitty.

Give me a hand.

Kitty.

Go, go, go.

- What are you doing?

- Ralston.

Tell them what to do.

Snowball.

He's coming.

Oh, Snowball.

- C.D. Hi, C.D.

- C.D.

How are you doing there, chief?

All's well that ends well, right?

Boys? Boys, the ladder's up.

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