Ruggles of Red Gap Page #5

- How do you do?

Doc is a feller that'll give you

castor oil for everything.

Wait a minute. I got something

on my mind. Now, what was it?

- That's it. Where's the beer barrel?

- Over there.

Well, let's go to it.

We'll be seeing you around, boys.

- Hello, Harry!

- Hello, boy.

- Shake hands with Colonel Ruggles.

- I'm very glad to know you.

And Stella. Stella, Harry's wife.

Colonel Ruggles.

Get out, get out!

Oh, you're way in over your head there.

Well, Sourdough!

Hello, Hank, my boy.

Hank, I want you to meet my good

friend Colonel Ruggles. This is Hank.

- How are you, Colonel?

- How do you do?

- Egbert!

- Who's calling?

- Why, Nell! Yippee!

- Egbert, come here!

Ha-ha-ha! Pull out your anchor, Bill.

I'll be with you in a minute.

- Have a beer, Colonel.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, you old darling!

Ha-ha! Nell Kenner,

you're a sight for sore eyes.

Aw, gee, Red Gap hasn't been the same

without you.

Aw, you're joshing me.

- There you are.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, Jake.

Shake hands with Colonel Ruggles.

- Huh?

- Jake Henshaw, Colonel.

- The best newspaperman in the West.

- How do you do?

- Colonel? What army?

- The truth of the matter is that...

I got it. British army, of course.

- Now, what's your first name, Colonel?

- It isn't ever used.

- Oh, just for the paper.

- Come on.

Tell him your first name, Colonel.

Marmaduke.

No foolin'?

Well, anyhow,

how do you like our fair city?

Oh, toppin'.

- Like it, eh?

- I've never seen anything like it.

Well, have you met

any of our fair women?

I've not yet had that pleasure.

Well, come on and try some

of our fair food, Colonel.

- Oh, thank you.

- Here we are.

Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles.

Oh, now wait a minute.

Let the old horse thief

tell about his trip in his own way.

Horse thief, she called me! You want

I should tell you in English or in French?

French.

Who said that?

You would.

It couldn't have been a little feller.

I say, who is responsible for this sauce?

Me.

Very excellent it is indeed,

my good woman.

If you're calling me a good woman cos

you don't know my name, it's Judson.

Delighted to make your acquaintance,

I'm sure.

- And who am I...

- Pardon me, Colonel.

I've got it up to "Colonel Marmaduke

Ruggles, British Army retired."

You're staying with the Flouds,

are you not?

- Yes, but only...

- Thank you. That's all I wanted to know.

- I'll see you a little later.

- I say!

Oh. So, you like my meat sauce,

do you?

It's very good. It's almost perfect.

What do you mean, almost perfect?

I was just thinking that perhaps a few

drops of this and a little bit of that

might make it

into a really superlative sauce.

So, that's what you're thinking, is it?

Well, let me tell you something.

That I've been making meat sauce

for longer than I can remember,

and nobody's ever

found fault with it before.

I wasn't finding fault with it.

What do you mean by a few drops

of this and a little bit of that?

Oh, I only meant that perhaps

a little spice and some wine vinegar..

Listen, Colonel.

You'd better stick to something you

know about, like leading a regiment.

Let's not have

an international row about it.

Well...

Shall we dance?

Well, I really shouldn't.

I've got work to do.

Oh? Er...are you in service here?

If you mean do I work here, why, yes.

I always help Nell Kenner out

when she gives a party.

- Oh, I...

- I see what you mean.

A man in your position

wouldn't expect the help to dance,

but nobody minds here, Colonel.

It's funny,

but you're the first one that ever made

me feel different than anyone else.

Might I have the pleasure of this waltz?

Why, sure.

This is the newspaper office, isn't it?

And Mr Floud isn't there?

He's not there.

Has Mr Floud been there?

Are you sure

Mr Floud hasn't been there?

What? Why don't I try Nell Kenner's?

She's giving a beer bust?

What would my husband

be doing at a beer bust?

Drinking?

None of your lip, young man!

He's at the beer bust. Now there'll be

nothing in the paper tomorrow.

I'm surprised at Ruggles.

Well, you'd better get going.

And hurry. Hurry!

Just between us, Schwartzie,

what do you think?

I don't even like the buttonholes.

I know just how you feel, Schwartzie.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get rid of all these here dude

clothes and get me some new ones.

So, I want you to take an order

right now for ten suits.

- Ten suits?

- Yeah, and make 'em all checks.

- Checks?

- Yeah. Here, here, Bill!

That's, er...a little close

even for Red Gap!

He dances with finesse.

Colonel Ruggles, what did Mr Henshaw

say your first name is?

Oh, it's never used.

- Oh, what is it?

- You'd laugh at it.

No, I wouldn't. What is it?

- It's Marmaduke.

- Oh, that's nice.

Mine's Prunella.

Oh, er...Ruggles?

- Well, Ruggles, enjoying yourself?

- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Well, that's fine. What prompted you

to mingle with the guests?

Oh, sir, I had definite instructions

from Mr Floud, sir, to mix.

I'm sorry to spoil your pleasure.

But you must come home

with me at once.

I...I feel it incumbent upon me, sir,

to see if that coincides

with Mr Floud's wishes, sir.

Never mind Mr Floud. He can stay here.

You're coming with me.

I think I should speak to Mr Floud, sir.

I won't be kicked by a servant,

English or otherwise.

Are you still going to harbour the ruffian?

- He's an anarchist.

- He's an assassin.

I fail to see anything funny about it,

Mater.

You will! You will!

Quiet, Mother.

Ruggles, how could you do it?

I coarsely gave way to the brute in me.

Mr Belknap-Jackson is quite right.

Will you be quiet, Mother?

In Paris,

you led my poor husband astray.

And now you've started

assaulting the family.

Ruggles, you will have to go.

You mean, madam, that I am to be

turned loose in this remote settlement?

Remote settlement?

You see, Effie?

The man's quite impossible.

You'd better

pack your bags immediately.

Just a minute, Bill.

Before you go

throwing Bill out on his ear,

you'd better read this here piece

in the paper.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

- What is it?

- It's terrible.

"Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles,

"late of the British Army,

"and an intimate friend

of the Earl of Burnstead,

"is at present an honoured house guest..."

Look, look! It says it right there.

"An honoured house guest

of Mr and Mrs Egbert Floud!"

Disaster! Complete social disaster!

"A series of entertainments

"are already being planned

by socially prominent hostesses

"including Mrs Judy...

"Judy Ballard,

"Mrs Ralph Wilton..."

It's continued on page five.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you.

What can happen next?

Oh, how do you do?

Why, this must be Colonel Ruggles.

I'm Mrs Ballard. Mrs Judy Ballard.

I simply had to make your acquaintance.

- This is Mrs Myron Carey.

- How do you do?

- And Miss Sarah Grant.

- How do you do?

They were just crazy to meet you!

Hello, Effie darling!

My, how fortunate you are

to have such a distinguished visitor!

Yes. Er...yes.

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