Ruggles of Red Gap Page #6

This is the most eventful thing

that has ever happened to Red Gap.

Or, er...to me.

Yes.

Er...yes.

Oh.

Mrs Wallaby,

our old friend Colonel Marmaduke

Ruggles, late of the British Army.

Oh, I've been dying to meet you,

Colonel.

- How do you do?

- What was your regiment?

- We're all ready for the picture.

- Oh, the picture, Mrs Wallaby, yes.

Right this way.

Just as quickly as you possibly can,

please, and everyone look happy.

Er...smile, Colonel.

Er...Mrs Floud there in front of the table.

That's it. Now, everyone look

at the Colonel and smile, please.

Now, Colonel, relax just a bit.

No, no, the face.

Now a little smile. That's it.

Now, Mrs Floud, look at the Colonel

and smile nicely, please.

Oh, a little better smile than that.

Oh, just a little better.

Now, Colonel, look at Mrs Floud.

Mrs Floud, look at the Colonel.

Now a big smile. Big. Big!

Oh, that's it!

I will ask you to drink to the health

of our distinguished guest of honour,

Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles.

I know we would all like to hear

some of Colonel Ruggles'

experiences in the British Army.

- No. Oh, no. No, no.

- No, no.

- I couldn't talk about my exploits.

- No.

- Oh, Effie, do make him talk.

- Oh, no. No, really.

You see, the Colonel spent many years

with the Black Watch in darkest Africa.

You...you were a Black Watchman,

weren't you, Colonel?

Ha-ha. Hm.

- Whoa.

- Why, Colonel Ruggles.

Good afternoon, Mrs Judson.

Whoa.

Oh, I say,

that print gown suits you no end.

- Oh, do you like it?

- Oh, yes.

What a spiffy little garden you have!

I suppose it would be expecting

too much to ask you in for tea?

Oh, I should say rather not.

Oh.

Mr Barker, stop! Come here!

Get out! Mr Barker!

Mr Barker! Out!

There. I'm so sorry.

You see, he's never seen

an English cowboy.

Cowboy?

Hm.

I say, what a snug little home you have.

Well, I just sort of fixed it up myself.

Did you?

- Oh! Goldfish.

- Oh!

I have always derived

intense satisfaction

from their silent companionship.

Oh, have you?

Oh, how quaint!

- Who is this?

- Oh, that was Elmo.

Mr Judson.

He got kicked by his favourite mule

and he never got over it.

Oh, excuse me, Colonel,

while I go and heat the water for the tea.

Oh, can't I help you?

It's hot.

- May I be of any assistance?

- Oh, no.

Men are so helpless in the kitchen.

Oh, no.

Always bring the pot to the kettle.

Never bring the kettle to the pot.

Listen, Colonel, I've been making tea

for longer than I can remember and...

Don't let's get into difficulties

about this.

But you must listen

to an Englishman about tea.

If it were coffee, I should be your pupil.

But we're making tea, and when making

tea, always bring the pot to the kettle

and never bring the kettle to the pot.

Oh, Colonel,

your knowledge is surprising.

I don't see why you should say

surprising, Mrs Judson.

The best cooks have always been men.

I myself have pronounced views as to

the preparation and serving of food.

- Have you?

- Oh, yes.

Well, do you know something nice

that will go with tea?

Er...yes, yes. The ingredients are

quite simple too. Have you a little flour?

- Oh, would you, Colonel?

- Rather.

It, er...needs flour,

butter, milk, and salt.

Oh, Colonel,

you seem so at home in the kitchen.

Ah, Mrs Judson,

it would be difficult to describe

the intense satisfaction

I have always derived from cooking.

And goldfish.

Er...well, no, no.

Oh, Colonel,

you must write out this recipe for me.

Nothing would give me greater

pleasure, Mrs Judson. Dear me!

- You should open a restaurant.

- Hm.

He's back again! Down, sir! Down, sir!

- Mr Barker, out! Out! Out! Mr Barker!

- Down, sir! Down, sir! Down, sir!

Here. Get!

Oh...!

We're goin' out to the ranch

for a few days to get away from it all.

- Heh-heh! Ain't that right, Ma?

- That's the idea.

- All right, Nelly?

- This is Henry.

Yeah. Go on, Henry.

Enjoying yourself?

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

I've been taking the liberty

of reading again

the life of your great

American statesman, sir.

Oh?

You seem

in a very good mood yourself.

I am. It's a pleasure to tell you

that you're through.

- Did you say...

- You're fired, Ruggles.

Mrs Floud instructed me to pay

your railroad fare to San Francisco.

Yes, sir.

There's a train leaving at noon.

See that you're on it.

What? Train, sir? Train, sir? Yes, sir.

Er...train, sir.

Goodbye to you, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

- Oh, it's late.

- Yeah.

Um...

Oh, in that case, could you tell me where

I could obtain an inexpensive meal?

Er...try the Silver Dollar.

They've a swell free lunch there.

Oh, thank you. Er...

could I deposit my luggage here?

Er...yeah, leave 'em there. I'll watch 'em.

Thank you.

- Hello, Colonel.

- How do you do?

- What'll you have?

- A small glass of beer, thank you.

- A small one, eh?

- How are you, Colonel?

- Howdy, Colonel.

- How do you do?

- How have you been?

- In excellent health, thank you.

Er...do you know,

I think I could do with a bite of food.

Oh, we have a fine lunch on today.

Right down here, Colonel.

- How's tricks?

- Oh, jolly.

Ah, them's nice pig's feet, Colonel.

Yes.

Hi, Bill! Look, Ma, here's Bill.

Come in here, you old lone wolf.

Oh, pardon me.

Tryin' to sneak one over on us, eh?

- Hi, Bill.

- Here, sit down, sit down.

I thought you'd departed

for the ranch, sir.

We just stopped in here first

for a little snort. Sit down.

This is very awkward, sir.

- What's he talking about?

- I don't know.

- Are you drunk, Colonel?

- Ye... Drunk? Heck, no.

I would like you to know that I have only

the kindliest feelings towards you both.

He's tight as a tick.

Ye... No, no, he ain't.

Come on, Bill, loosen up.

Now, what's gnawin' on you?

Yeah, I thought there was somethin'.

No longer require your services?

Belknap-Jackson!

Why, the sku... I'll cut out his windpipe!

- The sneakin' coyote!

- Why, look-a-here, Bill.

We wouldn't fire you

even if you looked like that feller.

I couldn't be happier, sir.

I couldn't be happier, madam.

Oh, yes, you could. Here, drink that.

Yeah, and follow it up with this.

I tell you, that Belknap-Jackson

is a Boston cream puff.

You're working for me, ain't you?

Oh, excuse me. I couldn't help but hear.

But I don't understand.

- Well, tell her, Ma.

- Come on and sit down.

Listen.

- No!

- Yeah, that's right.

Then you're just an ord...

- Oh, this is wonderful news.

- Come have a drink.

No, I just came over

for some cooking sherry.

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll all have one more shot and then

we'll move Bill back into the house.

- What do you say?

- No, sir.

- I'd rather not.

- Why not?

Well, sir, I can't go on

posing as what I'm not

and, er...I don't wish to remain

in service any longer, sir.

I want to make something of myself.

I would like to stand on my own two feet.

This is a land, sir, of great opportunity

where all are created equal.

There, that's...that's what I been...

Now you're talkin'.

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