Running with Scissors Page #3

Your father is a very, very sick man.

Your mother needs to be protected.

What do we do?

Well, I'm gonna take your mother to a motel

and you're gonna stay here.

But...

I don't wanna stay here.

Deirdre, talk to your son.

When you're finished, I'll be in the car.

Mom, what's going on?

Your father has a lot of anger

about how his life turned out.

He's projecting it onto me.

Dr. Finch is spiritually evolved.

We'll be safe with him.

Can't I come to the motel too?

I love those little soaps.

No.

The doctor thinks that it's best.

For how long?

Not long. A few days, maybe a week.

A week? I can't stay here for a week!

Augusten, don't argue with me. Not now.

I'll visit you in my dreams.

Did you know I can do that?

Once, I had a dream I went to Mexico,

and when I woke up

there were pesos in my hand.

I'm going to go now.

We'll be okay.

Telephone call.

Hello?

I have an emergency collect call

from your son, Augusten.

Dear journal, somebody has to write

down what's happening to me.

It's not to be believed.

So I guess that person is me.

Day seven and still no sign of my mother.

This place is worse than any loony bin.

I'm not kidding.

Every decision in the house is made by

something the Finches call...

Bible dipping.

It's like asking a Magic 8-ball a question,

only you're asking God.

Ask God a question, Augusten.

I don't know.

Oh, for goodness' sakes, Augusten,

it's not that hard.

Should we have fish sticks for dinner?

"Awakening."

As in, awakening our taste buds.

Super, God wants us to have fish sticks.

Sh*t, I wanted McDonald's so bad.

Of the daughters, Hope is by far

Finch's favorite. I know this because...

Hope, you are by far my favorite daughter.

Stop antagonizing me, Natalie. Just stop

transferring all of your anger onto me.

Please make an appointment to see Dad.

You know what? Your avoidance tactics

aren't gonna work, Miss Hope.

You're the one that hates me

and you're gonna have to confront that.

Is this really our dinner?

Fish sticks and grapes, that's all you get.

I am not a maid and I'm not a chef.

You know, Natalie, you're so oral

you'll never get to anal.

And you're never gonna get a dick in

your dried-out c*nt, you old maid.

Excellent, Natalie,

your hysteria is spectacular.

You're moving from the anal

onto the phallic.

I'm very proud.

Oh, did I mention that Hope is an

animal lover? She has a cat named Freud...

- Freud is dying.

- ...that speaks to her.

She told me through her purrs,

which I can translate.

Hope, Freud wasn't talking to you,

because f***ing cats can't talk.

This is animal abuse.

Augusten, be sexier. Make them want you.

She asked me to do this to her.

She contacted me during REM sleep

and said that she'd hung on

as long as she could.

And she wants me to sit with her

so she doesn't die alone.

What are you all doing in here?

You better not be engaging

in pot or other activities.

Shut up, you hag. Leave us alone.

So how long are you gonna be

carrying around that basket?

Until Freud dies.

Which should be the end of the week.

According to Hope,

Freud died of kitty leukemia.

According to me,

Freud died of being trapped in a laundry

basket for four days without food or water.

Augusten, pay your respects.

Am I coming home for good now?

No, baby. Just a weekend visit.

You should let me cut your bangs.

It'd be really cool.

So is that what you wanna be?

A hairdresser?

Well, don't say "hairdresser."

Say professional, licensed cosmetologist.

But what I really want is

to own my own hair empire, you know?

Like Vidal Sassoon.

What?

What do you wanna be?

Her.

Coed, majoring in literature.

You should apply.

They'd never let me in.

Why not? You're smart.

But I'm a Finch.

I'm used goods.

Besides, can you imagine

the college background check?

When they find out what goes on in

that house, it'd be like Frankenstein,

when the villagers surround the castle

and then burn it to the f***ing ground.

I'm gay.

Big deal.

I know.

My adopted brother Neil's gay too.

Where does he live?

He used to live out back in the barn.

Then he got mad at my Dad because he

wouldn't give him a real room in the house,

so he moved to some boarding house.

He rents a single room out there.

Kinda like a pied--terre.

You two should meet.

I think you'd really like each other.

Two, please.

Thanks.

That director is f***ed up.

I've seen that like four times

this week already.

I love French movies.

First cousins fall in love and then stab

each other as the weeping clown appears.

I don't really understand

the weeping clown part but...

It represents the loss of innocence.

Wanna check out my wheels?

- Sure.

- Come on.

So do you see your mom at all?

Sometimes.

On the weekends.

It's tough to have a sick mom, right?

My mom couldn't handle me either.

Neither could my dad.

Yeah, mine too. He never wants to see me.

Where does that leave you?

At the crazy house of the even crazier Finch.

Do you think he's crazy?

In a good way. I think he's a genius.

Like when I was your age

and I'd have a rage seizure,

he'd put on music

to lower my blood pressure.

Nat King Cole, Stardust,

revolutionary sort of stuff, you know?

Worked every time.

If he hadn't adopted me, sh*t,

I don't know what I would've done.

Well, here she is.

But couldn't you have just been his patient?

I mean, I don't understand

why he had to adopt you.

Well, Finch believes that

a person becomes an adult at 13.

At that age, no adult can tell them

what to do.

And they can choose their own parents.

I did it.

Natalie did it.

Natalie?

Natalie never mentioned that to me.

Oh, really?

Ask her about Terrence Maxwell.

You're over 13, right?

Finchy saved my life, that's for sure.

He was the first person I told I was gay.

I'm gay too.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,

so that's what this is about. You're gay?

Yeah.

I thought Natalie had told you.

Small world, right?

You, me.

Crazy.

Smoke?

Here, let me light you.

Want a ride home?

Please.

I won't go fast.

Maybe.

What just happened?

You think you're gay, right?

That's what gay men do.

Just wanted you to know what you're in for.

Want a beer? Smoke?

No.

Journal, what can I say?

He drove a cool car.

And it sure beat another crazy dinner

at the Finch house.

There's a first time for everything, right?

I took those. In New York.

They're not very good.

I'm not very good at anything.

I'm not very good at anything.

I'm not very good at anything.

I'm not very good at anything.

Shut up.

What?

Nothing.

One positive thing has come out of this.

Nobody can ever say again

that I'm afraid of trying new things.

Come on, get dressed.

I have to drive you back to Finch's.

I wanna go to my mom's.

You okay with what happened?

Yeah, sure.

Well...

Thanks for everything.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

Oh, Fern. Fern. Fern...

No, Fern, it's okay.

No, no, no, it's okay.

Augusten. Augusten.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

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