Rzhevskiy protiv Napoleona Page #3

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-What can I do, Natalie?

I'm the hero of folklore.

I cannot do otherwise.

Then try harder.

Countess Rzhevska?

I suppose. With whom do I have the honor?

My name is Marquis de Mazosad.

Tell me, last night did you accidentally lose

this extraordinary shoe - size 46?

-Lord Marquis!

I never wore

such vulgarity.

What's the matter, guys?

Put her in the can.

Masochist!

-A cheap whore.

Why am I accused?

I have big bones?

This is a biological discrimination.

I'll complain! I'll scratch and bite!

Bastards! "Oh, Magadan.

I'm off to Magadan."

You lie!

You won't get away with this, frog.

A thousand and one apologies.

Your greatest French admirer.

Madam...

I am very glad to see you.

What do you fantasize about most?

Nothing special.

I want a simple female happiness.

A family, a bunch of kids

and a lot of friends...

...Beautiful. And you?

Me?

Now I'll show you.

Come on.

NAPOLEON.

Unbelievable!

Have you seen this ?

Why not me on the cover of ?

"The list of victories

of the lover-lieutenant

today included

the female members of the police

and the entire choir of

the St. Jelena convent.

How do you think I look

in the eyes of the Countess Rzhevska?

As a complete loser?

-My Emperor,

I think a lot of

attention is paid to the Russian courtesan.

Next time it'll be with

a screwdriver.

Sir, next time it's my turn.

-Go on!

Today we were supposed to start

the advance toward the Urals.

Why haven't you started?

You're not packed.

Really?

Tell my favorite army,

the offensive to the Urals

begins the day after tomorrow.

Hurrah, the Urals!

-Sir, why not tomorrow?

Tomorrow I cannot.

I have my anniversary with the Countess.

We've been two months together.

"Duelling Fan Club"

"Courses for Young Duellers"

This is for you- for our anniversary.

Do you like it?

-Unbelievable.

Thank you, baby.

I will pray for your sins.

Pray for me.

Tomorrow...

We begin the attack on the Urals.

-Why the Urals?

We did not come to Russia for nothing.

We have work to do.

What will happen to me?

Will you leave me here?

Alone!

This tea service is from my grandmother.

Lord, what a fool!

You are selfish.

Because of you, I've risked it all!

In the eyes of society,

Your hands are in my panties.

Mon cher! Mon cher!

I can only bite off

half the world, like an apple,

for the opportunity to think

on your panties.

'Think'. Granted.

What freedoms you allow yourself!

Countess, I invite you to

accompany me to the Urals.

What Urals, Bonya?

So you can call me out in Chechnya, to the dance?

But, baby!

-What 'baby'?

It wouldn't even cross my mind to move to the

countryside for your stupid victory.

Does your office have at least something

without your cheeky mug?

Where are you going? Where to?

Bunny, do not be mad.

You want me to postpone the offensive

for a week?

You'll really put it off?

-Of course.

Just do not be mad.

Lucky for you I'm lenient.

Ah, you soldier!

You don't need anything

except to play war.

All the dishes are smashed.

You'll buy more.

You're the Emperor!

WINTER 1812

Good evening, dear friends.

Allow me to introduce

the new collection:

"Fall-Winter 1812 - Retreat."

Thus, the first model in the collection

is called "uninvited guest."

Ease of style and national

costume beautifully combine

with the added warmth.

The next model- "robber".

Pay attention to the

extensive accessories.

The designed form of the

bag behind the shoulders.

This model is simply called

"Eighth-grader- Uhuh, Uhuh."

She's lost.

She's looking for her prom date.

The next model is called

"Innocence".

This model is dedicated to

my emperor.

The next model

is called "Cook".

A classic dream.

Natalie! Beauty,

how lucky I should find you here.

How do you know my name?

Do I know you?

Not really. It's just that

when I see such perfection,

I cannot resist

my girlish delight.

Wait! You are the Countess Rzhevska.

Napoleon's concubine.

Why so harsh, Natalie? Love is evil.

We fall in love only with tyrants.

I could never fall in love with

the enemy. None of that French perfume,

which cannot compare with the real

Russian man,

even if he smells of alcohol

and has rolled about in a barn.

But you dishonor

all Russian women.

And she does also.

The sheep!

Sorry, Natalia, but sometimes

men require taming.

Countess, are you a lesbian?

-Why should I hide it?

Maybe just a little.

That's it.

Lieutenant, between us, is there something wrong?

-So far there isn't.

Lieutenant, I have to admit something.

Yesterday I was passionately kissing a woman.

-Great.

Did you like it?

-It was a memorable kiss.

When I looked into her eyes,

I do not know why, but I thought of you.

Strange. Natasha, I must say

it is no secret I've had a lot of women.

Not even that-

I've had too many women.

Lieutenant, are you mocking me?

I'm stating the facts.

But since I met you,

I've been sick.

I've lost my male sense.

Do you understand?

Lieutenant!

Natalie, have you ever jumped

into a haystack and inhaled the scent

of freshly cut clover?

-Yes.

And have you ever fried eggs,

in butter?

And then dipped

pieces of fresh bread.

Have you ever run

under a summer rain...

Yes.

-...naked?

I do not remember. Maybe as a child.

-We're not talking about childhood.

Have you ever made love in Cyprus? -Yes.

-To two women at the same time?

No.

-Me neither.

But nobody forbids us

to imagine.

Lieutenant, you're such a fool,

but charming.

Lieutenant, you can love a woman.

-I don't understand.

Is this a compliment?

Indeed.

As you requested , ma'am.

Anisolaya from 1774.

Thank you.

Take a walk.

Honey, what's this?

-Bonichka, since you have decided

to conquer all of Russia,

we'll take Russian drink.

Come on, to us.

Bottoms up!

Exhale!

And now, on request of our guest

from sunny France,

especially for his beloved,

this song.

Yes...

Madam?

Listen, man, you got a cigarette?

I don't smoke.

Walk, Uncle!

The lady wants... to dance.

-Guys, this lady does not dance.

She does not dance ...

-Rest it, old man!

Guys, you've made a mistake.

I clearly said, I do not dance.

Or do you want trouble?

-Maybe you've made a mistake?

That's it.

Help! Hooligans!

Strike!

Oh, baby!

Where is everybody?

-They went to the cottage.

They'll be back after tomorrow.

Watch the dress.

You are a great woman.

-That I am.

And I'm not the worst man

in Europe, either.

Pussycat!

You'll see. They'll write

numerous books about me. I'm sure!

They'll even shoot movies.

And sometimes I think,

that my name could become

a psychiatric illness.

Or maybe even a cake.

In the name of our love, baby.

I'm ready for anything!

I'm ready to

take over the continent.

I can light a shooting star!

I'm ready to juggle worlds.

I'll cast you

a new Milky Way.

I can't bear it anymore.

I'll drink to that...

Countess, I'm ready for anything.

-Absolutely anything?

At all!

-What do you think about marriage?

Listen, uh ...

-What?

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