Rzhevskiy protiv Napoleona Page #4

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There are some things... you know...

I see.

I understand.

So, you're ready to juggle

worlds for me.

But as soon as we touch on something serious,

you sh*t your pants.

My pants?

-Yes, they're full of it.

I am married to an Austrian princess.

-Well done!

In Moscow a divorce doesn't require waiting-

only the desire.

Well...

I'll get a divorce!

I agree, baby.

Pussycat, what are you doing?

-Lay off!

No, Bonichka.

'unh-unh...' only after the wedding.

And what do you mean "I agree"?

I'm the one who's supposed to agree.

I don't need charity.

Should a woman beg a man to marry her?

Where are the fireworks?

Where are the rose petals raining from the sky?

Where's the white suit?

Where? By the way, I am a woman

from a decent family.

Do you understand?

-I understand.

Count, contact the center, tell them

the cut of these clothes is unsuitable.

What's this nonsense?

No, you're not allowed more clothes,

nor cosmetics, nor salon nor spa ...

-Have mercy, Lord!

Really? After all

I have done for the country,

it's too much to ask money for a manicure?

-Be careful, Lieutenant, not to become engrossed.

The war will end,

but your habits will not.

Countess! I, the Emperor of

France, Napoleon Bonaparte

beg you...

to be my wife.

Accept.

I accept.

"I'm in shock."

"Me too."

When I look at you, Countess,

I see such a manlike whore.

Women don't fight.

-In our country, such a weakling as you,

any woman would choke with a sock.

If you insist.

-Come to Mama.

A woman always remains a woman.

-What?

Natasha?

Lieutenant?

-All this time,

you worked for the French?

-Says who? You sleep with them.

I am a Russian spy.

Executing a secret mission.

I'm also a Russian spy!

Undercover!

But if I'd known,

I wouldn't have bothered!

Kama Sutra

I know this book by heart,

but our interpretation

was closest to the text.

Lieutenant

You are uniquely educated.

But no one has

inspired me like you.

I'm totally ready to dive into science.

Always and everywhere,

I want only you.

But with that feeling,

a new warmth, tenderness...

a desire to take care of you.

It is a strange feeling for me.

You've changed me! I've become a man.

I've stopped being a folktale.

I love you! Would you m...

-What?

I love you! Would you m...

Lieutenant, you must say it aloud. I haven't heard!

-I cannot.

You can, you can!

Come on!

Come on! Look into my eyes.

Look at me!

...Marry.

Marry?

-Yes.

I accept.

-I did it!

I did it!

Natasha, get ready

immediately for page 48.

Forty-eight?

My favorite page!

Damn!

I've got to be at the barracks.

I'll be punished.

My fiance will appear any minute.

So, so...

Leave it alone, don't play now.

How do I leave without you?

-Damn. Where are my socks?

Damn!

Natasha, I cannot bear

if something happens to you.

Promise me you'll give me a sign

If something happens.

I promise.

-For example, burn something.

Like what?

The Opera? The club "Diaghilev"?

It does not matter.

It can be the whole of Moscow.

Love, I must go.

See you tonight.

Be-be-be Bu-bu-bu

chair, table, store Kukriniksi,

building of the Court of Appeals,

hydroelectric station.

Pretty good!

What's this?

Something in my eye.

And Mr. Captain of the Guard only

kindly agreed,

to help.

I:

divorced Josephine.

It's not been three months

and you do this .

Whore.

What are you looking at, a**hole?

I've considered how to punish you.

Quartering? Banal.

Stick you on a pole?

And what if you like it?

Don't stop, sir. The bee ...

-Set a bee on your tongue?

Mantoux.

-Mantoux injection that'll make

you piss your pants?

-Dentist ...

Move you to the head of the line?

Carbide ...

-carbide glowing red-hot in your mouth?

All of this is quite simple.

And what about the soldering iron?

Simone, I want to make this last a lifetime.

Marriage it'll be.

Zhuzhu!

Who?

On Moscow's inner ring,

in a chain accident

over five carriages collided,

killing 10 serfs.

Fortunately, there were no casualties.

Roll!

Prohibited for children under 18 years!

I accept

Bonya, I warned you already.

Not until after the wedding.

Dear grooms...

and brides,

now join hearts

and create a new union

in our society.

They say marriages are

sealed in heaven.

Fate will carry you

on the wings of love...

Move.

Get out of here!

Get out!

Countess ... Countess!

And you, Lady Rzhevska,

do you accept to become the woman,

of the invader and occupier Bonaparte?

I accept.

-And now I suggest

you exchange wedding rings.

-Peace be with you... and war.

Here, my love. Now I must go.

-Where?

Honey, I'm the Emperor.

I'm needed on the battlefield.

Hold it! What about me?

And if I asked you to stay?

-But...

Stop. For the motherland!

No! No!

If a single person finds out, I'll drown you.

I swear!

My lips are sealed.

Zhuzhu, you'll have more time...

My boy!

Now I will show you something...

-What? Let me do it myself.

Let me! I...

Pussycat, open up!

-Wait a minute.

I can't stand it anymore.

Countess, you promised!

Natasha...

Natasha! Damn.

I'm coming!

Wife, open for your husband!

Zhuzhu, I have to tell you

something very important.

The devil invented this dress.

What are you doing, rascal?

-What's that, I felt with my hand?

The 'Countess' may be a 'Count'?

Here I come!

Relax!

Almost, Lieutenant,

Your mission is complete.

Something wrong?

Natasha!

Natasha, I'm flying to you!

-Where are you?

Natasha...

Countess, unfortunately

We have an emergency.

The Emperor's adjutant

is a Russian spy.

How can it be?

-See you at dinner.

Stop!

Lieutenant!

-Natasha!

Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

-How I've missed you.

My love!

-You took your time!

Shame on you.

I could not have come faster,

I swear it even

on my parents' health.

Zhuzhu?

No! I'm just a

harmless masochist.

No! No, Zhuzhu!

-My boyfriend.

No, girl. No, no!

No, please !

4 MONTHS LATER ...

Winter of 1812. Withdrawal

As you already know,

all the events of our story,

ladies and gentlemen, are based on

real historical facts.

Everything's been reconstructed

with documentary precision,

without embellishment.

And as befits

every important scientific work,

this one should be finished with...

How was it? Generally in Russia

since time immemorial we call it

simply, "Happy End".

I cannot believe

the war is over.

I do not have to wear

those idiotic heels.

There is no need to put on a

cotton bra.

or eat fat-free yogurt.

No need for boots

There are no more swords, guns and duels.

It's all in the past.

-Yes. Just you and me.

Tell me, where did you

buy this cheerful hat?

I'm not telling.

-Really?

My darling!

My dear.

What? Does it hurt?

-It hurts.

You think it doesn't hurt me?

-Bonya, what are you doing here?

Shameless transvestites.

What "Happy end" do you have?

Love, kisses...

And you left me all alone

on the island of St. Helena

to write a memoir?

-Because you have nothing to recount

in these 'memoirs'

except your silly victories.

Boys, don't

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