Same Time, Next Year Page #2

Oh, my God Oh, my God!

Oh, my God Oh, my God!

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

Uh- Coming!

My hat. My bag.

What?

My hat My bag!

Be right there.

Wait a minute! Wait a

minute! Where are you going?

Okay.

- Don't go in the bathroom.

- Why not?

That's the first place

they'd look.

Oh!

Oh, hello. Oh, good morning, Mr. Peters.

- I've got your breakfast. Did you have a good night?

- Yes. Fine, fine.

Uh, y-you know, I think

I heard an owl out here.

I'm a C.P.A. When you work hard all year,

it's great to get back to nature.

I really loved it.

That's right.

Well, thank you, Mr.

Chalmers. You're welcome.

Have a nice day, now.

Thank you. You too.

- Enjoy the view.

- Yes, I will. I'll just wander around by myself.

Doris?

Doris?

Have you got

a woman in there?

It's okay. It was old Mr.

Chalmers with my breakfast.

I was very calm. He didn't suspect a

thing. He didn't ask about the girdle.

- What?

- Girdle.

Oh, great!

Now he probably thinks

I'm a homo. Oh, well.

What do you care? I stay here every year.

Oh, yeah? How come?

I have a friend who went into

the wine business near here.

I fly out the same weekend every year

to do his books. From New Jersey?

He was my first client. It's

sort of a sentimental thing.

Oh, I see.

Uh, Doris, I'd like to

tell you something. Okay.

You probably think I do this

sort of thing all the time.

I know I must appear very

smooth and glib and sexual.

But since I've been married, this

is the very first time I've done this.

Ah, sure. Don't worry.

I could tell.

Listen, would you mind if I

had a little of your breakfast?

Sure. I'm not hungry. Thank you.

Even when I was single, I was no

good at quick, superficial affairs.

I always had to like the person

- What do you mean, you could tell?

- I n what way could you tell?

- What? Oh.

Uh, well, it was

just little things,

you know, like when you tried to

take your pants off over your shoes...

and t

- tripped and hit your head on the coffee table.

Just little things

like that.

It's great to be totally honest

with another person, isn't it?

It sure is.

Doris, I haven't been totally

honest with you. You haven't?

- I told you I was a married man with two children.

- You're not?

I'm a married man

with three children.

I thought it would make me

seem less married.

All right, I didn't think

it through, all right?

There's been like a lead weight

inside me all morning.

I mean, denying little Debbie like that!

I was under a certain stress

or I wouldn't have done it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Y-You understand?

Sure. We all do

dopey things sometimes.

Well...

I really should be going.

The nuns are gonna be wondering

what happened to me.

Nuns?

Did you say nuns?

Yeah, somehow it just didn't seem

right to bring up last night,

but I was on my way

to retreat.

Retreat?

Yeah.

See, it's right near here.

I go every year at this time when

Harry takes the kids to Bakersfield.

What's in Bakersfield?

His mother.

It's her birthday.

Doesn't she mind that you

don't go? No, she hates me.

'Cause I got pregnant. Her son

had something to do with that.

Yeah, she blocks that

out of her mind.

See, he was in his first year

of dental college...

and he had to quit and take a

job selling waterless cooking.

So now every year on her

birthday, I just go on retreat.

To think about God?

Well, him too, sure,

but also about myself...

'cause, see, I got pregnant

when I was just 18,

so I've never really

had any time to just think.

You know,

I mean, about,

well,

what I think about.

Never mind. I don't know

what I'm trying to say.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy. Why?

Oh. Well,

okay,

like, take my life.

Now, we live in a two-bedroom

duplex in downtown Oakland,

and we have

a 1948 Studebaker,

a blond, three-piece

dinette set,

Motorola TV.

We go bowling

at least once a week.

I mean, what more

could anyone ask for?

But sometimes...

things get me down.

Oh, I don't know.

It's dumb.

I don't think

it's dumb.

You don't?

No.

You know, I can really

talk to you.

It's just amazing.

I find myself saying things to you

that I didn't even know I thought.

I noticed that yesterday right

after we met in the restaurant.

We had instant rapport.

Did you notice that too?

No, but I know

we really hit it off.

See, Harry's not much

of a talker, you know.

How 'bout your wife? Do

you two get to talk a lot?

Uh- Uh, Doris,

it's only natural...

that we should be curious about

each other's husband and wife,

but-but rather than dwelling on

it and letting it spoil everything,

why- why don't we-

why don't we do this?

I'll tell you two stories

about my wife-

one showing the worst side of her,

the other showing the best side of her.

You do the same thing about your husband,

and then let's Forget it.

Okay.

I'll go First.

I'll start with the worst side. Okay.

Phyllis knows about us. Oh, you

said that before. How could she know?

She's got this thing in

her head! Like a plate?

A plate? Oh, my uncle has one of those.

He was wounded

in the war,

and they put this steel plate in his head.

Now he says he can always

tell when it's going to rain.

I'm in big trouble, Doris. Why?

Because I find everything you

say absolutely fascinating.

Come on tell me about your wife's steel plate.

No, no, it's not a plate.

It's more like a bell. A bell.

I could be a million miles away. If I look

at another woman, it goes off like an alarm.

Oh, I see.

I just know that last night at exactly

1:
22 a.m., she sat bolt upright in bed...

with her head going ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

How do you know

it was 1:
22?

Because I have peripheral vision,

and I noticed my watch said 4:47.

Oh.

Well, okay, now, tell me,

um, something nice about her.

Well... she made me

believe in myself.

It's probably hard for you to imagine this,

but there was a time I was very insecure.

How did she do that

- make you believe in yourself?

She married me.

Oh. Yes, well, that was

very nice of her.

Oh, no, no, no. I meant bolstering

you up and all, you know?

Okay, your turn.

Tell me the worst story first.

Okay. Um-

Ooh, this is hard.

To pick one?

No, to think of one.

See, Harry's the salt of the

earth. Everybody says so.

Look, you owe me

at least one rotten story.

Oh, okay.

Uh-

Well, I don't know. This isn't really rotten, but

- Okay?

All right.

Now, this was on

our fourth anniversary.

We decided that we'd have some

people over to help celebrate.

So Harry doesn't

usually drink,

but that night

he had three beers.

It was after

the Gillette fights.

Well, I just overheard him

talking to some of the guys,

and he said that his-

his time in the army were

the best years of his life.

What's wrong with that? A lot of

guys feel that way about the service.

Harry was in the army

for four years,

and three of'em were spent

in a Japanese prison camp!

Okay. Now do you want to hear the

story about the good side of him?

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