Saraband Page #3

I tried to stop her.|She didn't move...

but a message got through|from her body to mine.

It said "I'm leaving...|I'm leaving you".

Then I said, with a voice that was|foreign to me: "Nobody leaves me".

"Nobody leaves me"

"Nobody turns his back on me|and leaves... ".

I sat on the floor and|thought: "It's over".

I shut my eyes and thought:|"Anna's leaving and she won't return".

But then I heard her|going around the kitchen.

She was making coffee.

But she didn't say a word.|Maybe she wanted to sober me up.

She didn't say anything for the rest|of the evening: just kept on sewing.

Anna was the silent type|anyway, she never spoke much.

But we didn't need to speak;|we always knew...

I begged her to forgive me.

Like a child to his mother:|"I won't do it again".

It's just what I want to say to you,|but it sounds ridiculous.

Anyone can say "I'm sorry",|but it's meaningless.

So no further words|were spoken that night.

It became a...|distant night.

Anna sunk into a deep sleep: I|stayed awake listening to her breathing.

I watched her, a street light|shone through the window.

I gazed at her for a long time and|wondered if she really knew...

how much I loved her.

Between Anna and me it was a question|of belonging, if you know what I mean.

An ownership that was...|a miracle. I know it sounds fatuous.

There's no better word.

I fell asleep as dawn approached,|and when the alarm clock rang,

we got up, had breakfast|and chatted as usual.

I went to a class|and Anna went to the library.

This is an explanation:|not an excuse.

I have no excuses.

If you leave me...

Ill be ruined, or some other|word that doesn't exist.

In due time, you'll have your freedom.|You'll go to the conservatory...

With professional teachers|and a different life.

It'll be different for me also.

These months with you have|been "a state of grace".

For me, that is,|not for you.

It was kind of you|to return so soon.

I don't know what to say.|It's all so complicated.

We don't have to|speak about that.

Sometimes I feel a great|punishment awaits me.

FOUR:

About a week later,|Henrik visits his father.

"Kierkegaard, S.|Or A Fragment of Life"

- Am I interrupting?|- Oh, so it's you.

It's been a long time.

- How are you?|- Well, thank you, and you?

At 60 there's 6 things wrong with you,|at 70, 7 and so on.

It's a good evaluation: Of course,|it depends on your priorities.

- I heard about your ex wife's unexpected visit.|- Typical Marianne.

She's always known I|hate improvisation.

- Maybe I can see her.|- She's gathering strawberries.

I don't know if you'll be|here when she returns.

- I don't mean to disturb you.|- Thanks for being considerate.

What do you want?

I need 890,000 kroner.|An advance on my inheritance.

- You need money again.|- I know, I owe you 200,000.

- That you haven't even begun to pay back.|- Don't worry, I'll pay it back.

I'm sure I'll never|see that money again.

It's funny to|consider it a "loan".

If humiliating me amuses you,|let's not forget...

I'm not paying rent|on the lake house.

We've been there for five months|and you haven't seen a cent.

But you were able|to buy a new car.

It's a loan.|The owner is away.

When he returns in October,|I'll be without a car.

- How's the book going?|- Well, thank you.

That's a thorough answer.

I've been here ten minutes,|letting you humiliate me.

If I didn't need the money,|I'd have left long ago.

You can leave now.

It's not for me.|It's for Karin.

I see...|Marianne told me you two argued.

Are you trying to make her stay?

Do you think she'll accept a bribe?

I wonder how Anna|was able to stand you.

Don't bring Anna into this.

Don't you dare mention|Anna with that mouth.

I like you more or dislike you|less when you use that tone.

There's a healthy dose of|hate in your banalities.

It's like this:

There's a cello I can buy Karin;|an 1815 Fagnola.

It's an excellent instrument,|almost like a Guarneri.

Karin has a special talent,|she could become a great musician.

I took care of her instruction,

but her talent calls for more.|Like her cello.

Her German cello is passable,

but she'll audition|for the conservatory.

Are you sure it's good?

It wouldn't be the first|time they fool you.

It has an authenticity certificate

- and the seller is decent.|- Is that why it's so cheap?

He's old and sick and can't|take care of it any more.

- He said it's perfect for her.|- How touching.

Dad, where does all this|hostility come from?

Speak for yourself. When you were|18 or 19 I tried to approach you.

You had been very ill and your|mother wanted us to talk.

I told you I knew I had been a bad father,|but I wanted to make it better.

And you screamed.|Yes, screamed:

Bad father?!|You never were a father!

Then you said you could|do without my help.

Honest hate must be respected;|I respect it.

But I couldn't care less if|you hate me. You hardly exist.

If it wasn't for Karin,|who thank God is like her mother,

you wouldn't exist at all for me.

There's no hostility here, I swear.

Give me the name and number|of the cello owner and I'll see.

- Here you are.|- Thank you.

- What's your answer?|- I'll let you know.

Can I go?

I'm leaving.

- Can I just say one thing?|- Only if you must.

That tale of an argument|fifty years ago in no excuse.

Poor Anna.

Will you hit me now?

FIVE:

I hope I'm not interrupting.

No, I've just finished.|I practice in the mornings.

The organist is expecting:|I'm replacing her.

- I thought you played the cello.|- I have an organ diploma.

In my time,|it was smart to have one.

There were a lot of churches|and few orchestras.

What were you playing?

A Bach sonata for a trio.|First movement.

- It was beautiful.|- This is a unique organ from 1728.

Nobody knows how it ended up here,|in the middle of nothing.

A few weeks ago, Karin and I|played a concert here.

It was almost full.

- Will you be playing any more concerts?|- I don't have the time.

Karin has to prepare her audition|and I have to finish my book.

Yes, I'm writing a book about|Bach's Passion of St. John.

I met Karin.|They say she's talented.

She's considered exceptional,|and not only by her dad.

- Are you her teacher?|- That's the way it's turned out.

In the conservatory, she'll|have the best European teachers.

- Won't it be difficult to let her go?|- Yes.

You could say that.

- Do you love her a lot?|- Yes.

- I'm sorry.|- No, it's all right.

- Karin is like Anna.|- She doesn't look like her.

What's wrong?

Whenever I mention Anna,|I cry. That's the way it is.

I can't help it.

She's been dead for two years and|it still hurts just the same.

That's the way it is.

Life itself has become a ritual.

I don't know, I can't find|words to describe it.

I've become a handicapped person.

Just like that.|Handicapped.

Karin is everything that|lends sense into my life.

And so...

It wouldn't have much|sense without her.

I think a lot about|death these days.

I think:

One day I'll walk through|the forest to the river.

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