Satan Met a Lady Page #4

How do I know I ought

to hand it over to you,

- that you are the rightful owner?

- But I assure you.

Don't assure me. Prove it to me.

What do you know about Roland,

the great French legendary hero?

Just this much.

If you're trying to frame him,

I'll find you plenty to pin on him.

My dear old fellow, in the eighth century,

at the time of the powerful emperor

of France, Charlemagne...

Oh, I've heard of Shelly, all right.

- Splendid.

- Oh, I see you found my address book.

- Did you copy down some of the numbers?

- Rather, including the marginal notes.

As I was saying, Charlemagne,

as he's generally known,

conquered practically

all the land of Spain.

- Yes, I've heard of Spain, too.

- Amazing.

Well, the Saracen king of Spain...

Get me my sherry, will you?

Realizing he couldn't get rid

of Charlemagne, offered him tribute

of great wealth

and promised him complete submission.

Of course, that promise was a phony.

Then you do know something

about the history of that period.

Well, I know a double-cross

when I hear one.

Well, unfortunately, Charlemagne didn't,

old boy.

When the French withdrew,

our jolly old friend Roland

was in charge of the rear.

I say, that's delicious sherry.

Do have a sip.

When Charlemagne and his army

got well back into France,

the Saracens attacked Roland,

and there was a terrific fight.

Oh, thanks for the reminder.

I've got to call up Murgatroyd

about my fight tickets.

- Go right ahead. I'm listening.

- Well, it wasn't at all fair, you know.

Roland had only a few men

and the Saracens had 40,000.

Roland had a horn made of ivory

with which he was supposed

to be able to signal for 50 miles.

It's a good thing you're paying me

to listen to this.

Of course, the French never had a chance.

What's become of the little beast?

Have a shot yourself, will you?

I say, that's amazing.

How did you do that?

Roland, in spite of his shaky predicament,

refused to blow his horn

until he found he was the lone

French survivor and knew he was dying.

But it was too late then for him

to blow anything but taps.

Well, Charlemagne came back

with his army and got his revenge

by reconquering Spain.

But they never found Roland

or his trumpet.

And now, 1,200 years later,

we start looking for it.

- Hold that a minute, will you?

- Find anything in the divan?

Only a few hairpins

and some small change.

Come across.

Very well.

The Saracens found the trumpet,

and in revenge for their defeat,

decided to fix it

so that the trumpet wouldn't blow.

So, they stuffed it full

of the finest jewels,

which they stole

from Roland's dead soldiers.

Well, now, if you're going to take us

through the next 1,200 years,

by the time we find the trumpet,

we'll all be dead.

Yes. That's practically

the true history of the trumpet.

And nearly everyone who's been

connected with it has been killed.

Nice of you to cut me in on this.

But if that horn's really rammed

full of jewels, it'll be worth plenty.

It'll cost you much more

than $5,000 to get it from me.

- Then you have the trumpet?

- No.

- But you know where it is.

- No.

What?

You just inveigled me

into telling you what it is.

I say, that's a pretty rotten trick, old boy.

That's not cricket.

How much of this is cricket

and how much is racket?

And how much of that tripe

you've been telling me is on the level?

The tripe, as you call it,

happens to be the true history

of the trumpet and its real value.

- And that's why...

- Darkies were born.

At least, that's why

your partner Ames was killed.

And Farrow, too.

Take a letter.

Help! Help!

- That Englishman!

- Yes, Mr. Travers.

- He was here, too.

- But he locked...

He locked you in the closet.

Yes, I know all about it.

Come, sit down.

- You have an uncle, haven't you...

- Yes.

...who's a college professor,

an authority on European history?

- Yeah.

- Take pad and pencil.

We're about to dictate a letter to him.

- To my uncle?

- Yeah. Ready?

"My dear professor.

Your niece, my secretary,

"has allowed me to take this liberty

of writing you concerning

"a certain horn

which has been brought to my

"attention.

"A fabulous trumpet reported

to have belonged

"to the legendary hero, Roland.

"It is rumored that in the eighth century,

the French muscled in on the Spanish,

"and made a deal for the big payoff.

"It seems that 50,000 Frenchmen

once were wrong."

"The Saracens crammed

the trumpet full of valuable gems."

No kidding?

Well.

And I hope the same disaster

will not befall me.

And that's the story, without the accent,

as the English chap told it to me.

Say, which one's crazy?

You or the Englishman?

That's what I want to find out.

Just turn that story over

to your uncle professor,

and find out if any of it is possible.

Say, I've got a cousin

that specializes in brain diseases.

- Maybe I better turn it over to him.

- I know it sounds silly, honey.

But for $500, they can

tell me stories like that

and wreck my joint every day.

- For $500?

- Yes, I know. I know.

Hello. Miss Valerie Purvis? This is Shane.

Yes. Look, I've got hold

of something important,

and I've got to see you right away.

Better meet me in the lounge room of

the Buckingham Hotel as soon as you can.

I may be a little late,

so don't leave until I get there.

Goodbye.

Honey, run down to the lounge room

of the Buckingham,

and lounge around and keep your eye

on her without getting caught.

If she leaves, phone me right away.

But where will you be while she's waiting

for you at the Buckingham?

- You can reach me at Westgate 7696.

- But that's...

Yes, darling, the little lady's apartment.

So, you're the new chambermaid?

What are you doing here?

I told you to meet me at the Buckingham.

Do you mind very much, Mr. Shane,

taking off your hat

in the presence of a lady with a gun?

And would you be charming enough

to hold it above your head

with both your hands?

What are you going to do? Frisk me?

Why don't you make me do a handstand?

So you're the man I hired to protect me.

King Kong.

Hello? A lady for Mr. Shane?

Oh, by all means, operator,

put the lady on.

Hello?

Hello, Shane? How you doing?

Well, here I am at the Buckingham,

and she hasn't turned up yet.

I guess little Miss Innocence

didn't fall for the mastermind's tricks.

You don't think so?

Oh, well, don't worry, kitten.

You know no woman ever made

a chump out of Papa Shane.

Yes. Yes, I'll be careful.

Goodbye. You can hang up now.

You may not be a chump, but you'll be

a corpse if you try anything funny now.

Remember, if you fail to guess my weight,

I get a baby doll to take home.

Now, may I stop chinning myself

on this hat?

Go ahead.

Just what did you come here for?

To take a nap.

- Come in.

- I locked that door.

- You stay right here.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Put it right over there.

- Ma'am.

- A radiogram for you, madam.

- Thank you.

Bad news, I hope?

Oh, on the contrary, good news.

We're having a celebration.

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