Saving Santa Page #3

Ah.

Hold it steady, Blitz.

Uh, everyone, can I

have your attention?

(CHATTERING CEASES) Good, hi.

I have urgent news.

We don't have much time.

There are people coming,

outsiders, from, um...

...the outside. I don't

know who they are, exactly,

but they want to capture Santa

and steal his sleigh.

Well, not the sleigh, itself,

but there are secrets held...

Gumdrop, this is Sugar Plum.

We've got a crazy on our hands.

You got eyes on Big Red?

- I'm on him.

- How does it look out there?

Not a creature is stirring.

Not even a mouse.

Welcome to the Pancake Palace...

WOMAN:
- Hi, Santa

- Santa!

WOMAN:
It's Santa!

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

BERNARD:
Listen to me!

Santa! Blitz, it's...

Oh, you are unbelievable!

Santa! (GRUNTING)

Santa!

They're coming to get you,

Santa, you're in danger!

Santa!

(GRUNTING)

Lump of coal in the stocking.

Threat neutralized.

Nice tackle, partner.

(GRUNTING)

You! You're the one who...

Take this marshmallow head

back to base for questioning.

(GRUNTING, MUFFLED)

(MUFFLED YELLING)

You're making a big mistake!

I need to warn Santa.

Someone's coming and they're

after the Time Globe!

Let me go! Santa!

(GASPS)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

MAN:
Santa, sir.

Your beard stylist had to cancel.

He has the chimney flu.

Would you like me to reschedule?

Blitz, over here!

Listen, you have to find the other me.

I should be on my way to Santech

for the presentation right now.

You have to convince me to warn

everybody about the invasion.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

I don't know what that means.

But do whatever it takes.

Do you understand? Stop me and get me

to listen to you no matter what!

This is more important

than the presentation.

Santa is in real danger!

BERNARD 1:
Excuse me. Coming through!

BERNARD 2:
- There I am!

- Oh, sorry!

Go, go!

(GROANING)

(GASPS)

Where am I?

The Christmas Defense Department.

The Christmas De-who

and the what now?

You know how Santa knows

when you are sleeping?

And knows when you're awake?

That's us!

I'm Agent Snowy and you, little elf,

have a lot of explaining to do.

Well, I know what this looks like.

But there is a perfectly

logical explanation.

- I'm listening.

- First off, I'm from the future.

Just to put that out there.

I believe him.

(GASPS)

I'm being the good cop.

Agent Shortbread!

Do you have his naughty

or nice record up yet?

Just one second.

(COMPUTERS HUMMING)

Let's see...

Bernard D. Elf. Hmm.

Height:
three feet.

Favorite candy:
gumdrops.

Occupation...

poop-shoveler.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Director of Droppings.

- Excuse me?

- I prefer "Director of Droppings."

"Disposal Administrator."

I am a professional, after all.

This one's a real piece of work.

- Claims to be from the future.

- Uh, everyone, can I...

(SHORTBREAD) Something

about a Time Globe.

If there were such a thing

as a time travel globe,

which we cannot confirm

or deny the existence of,

how would you know of its existence?

If it were to exist.

Hmm?!

That is the most confusing

question I've ever heard.

Answer it!

(SIGHS)

- Santa showed me.

- Would Santa confirm

that he showed you the Time Globe?

He hasn't shown me it yet.

He showed it to me

after I caused the blackout

in the Santech building.

(LAUGHING) Oh, this just

keeps getting better!

And when, exactly,

does that happen?

Hmm?

(ALARM BLARING)

- What's going on?

- Any minute now.

We've got a problem.

We've got no power anywhere.

The cloaking device is down.

Were exposed!

I need more power!

Sir, I think the equipment

is malfunctioning.

- I'm... I'm getting a blop.

- You mean a blip?

No, sir, it's a blop. It's far

too large to be a blip.

Put it onscreen for Mommy.

Mommy, there it is!

The North Pole!

Let me see.

What are you talking about?

I don't see any North Pole.

What? Impossible.

(SARCASTIC LAUGH)

Oh, look. Nothing!

No workshop. No sleigh.

No secrets.

More failure?

(SHEEPISH LAUGH)

(BOTH GASP)

If you do not have Santa's

sleigh by midnight tonight,

you are cut off!

(GASPS)

You'll be living on a deserted island

when I'm through with you.

Is that clear?

I will find it, Mommy.

And all of the secrets it holds.

Then QAD will truly be the quickest

package delivery service...

...in the world.

Find that blip.

That... That thing

that we saw on the radar.

Take me there now!

Whoa!

(POWER GRID HUMMING)

It's working.

Power is restored to the hologram.

- Were we seen?

- It's too early to tell.

Looks like you were right, Bernard.

Bernard?

He's getting away!

Hold it right there!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(ALARM BLARING)

Don't let him get away!

(GUMDROP) Get back here!

Which way did he go?

(MAN SNIFFING) Cookie breath!

He went that way!

(ELEVATOR BUTTONS DINGING)

- What the...?

- Hah! Found you!

Get him!

(GRUNTING)

Get over here, you little...

(ALL STRAINING)

(GRUNTING)

COMPUTER VOICE:
Welcome to the Mail-evator.

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)

(BUZZING)

COMPUTER:
Elevator out of service.

(BUZZING)

COMPUTER:
Elevator operational.

(YELLS)

(RUMBLING)

(HOLLERING)

(MUSIC FALTERS, STOPS)

(GROANING)

And I'd better not see you back here

with another one of your

hare-brained inventions.

(GRUNTING)

Santech is only for the

greatest elf minds, not...

(INHALES)

...reindeer poop-scoopers.

GUARD:
Poor fellow.

Poor fellow? He caused a

blackout on Christmas Eve.

It was me.

Piece of junk!

(ZAPPING)

Ow!

(GRUNTS)

(DEVICE LANDS)

(MAN GRUNTS)

They found the North Pole

because of me.

(SIGHS)

What kind of an elf

Runs away to sulk

When he's not the best?

Who bumbles along

Wearing last night's

dinner on his vest?

Insists that he's smart

When all other elves

declare he's dim?

A kind of an elf like him

Head in the clouds, Bernard

Heart on the floor

Best to go back

to the place you belong

Back where you were before

Time to regroup, Bernard

Time to repair

Time to go back to the poop

And the shoveling scoop

And that whiff in the air

That's where the future me

Will turn to them and say

- Even a flea

- What kind of an elf

Doesn't realize when

the world's gone wrong

Who flounders around

like a dying fish

- To a silly song

- And even that crow

You're best to rely on an elf

- Like me

- Like me

- Never give up

- Which is who that elf

Aspires to be

What kind of an elf

Doesn't shy away

from a mucky task?

What kind of an elf

Answers "Yes!"

no matter what you ask

What kind of an elf

Has the wherewithal

to put this right

An elf who'll

fight and never flee

A kind of an elf like me

Mr. Baddington?

There's nothing here.

Oh, it's here, all right.

We're directly above the coordinates.

We would see it, don't you think?

Oh, of course.

Silly-billy me.

Clearly, there is nothing there.

I mean, any rational person

would see that there

is nothing beneath us

but a bunch of mountains and snow.

And not a clever facade

masking Santa's workshop.

Surely not.

Only a madman would think

we'll surely crash and explode

into fiery bits and pieces

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