Saving Santa Page #4

if we flew straight down...

(YELLING)

Aha!

Merry Christmas to me!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(ANGRY SHOUTING)

(GASPS)

Excuse me!

Excuse me, coming through!

(GASPS)

(NEVILLE CACKLING)

Oh, it wouldn't be Christmas

without complete chaos and utter panic.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Do you smell that?

MAN:
Cookies?

Hot cocoa?

Hmm, well you can

smell those things, too.

But the more palpable odor

is that of vindication.

- Sorry!

- Hey!

NEVILLE:
There'll be plenty

of time for pancakes later.

First, find the sleigh!

MAN:
Come on! Give it up!

(GASPS)

Where's the sleigh, round boy?

Yeah! Where's the sleigh?

SANTA:
You two are not

being very good this year.

(GROANING)

(CACKLING)

(NEVILLE CONTINUING, INDISTINCT)

(NEVILLE, THROUGH DOOR)

We've so much to discuss.

We have something

in common, you and I.

We're both in the delivery business.

But unlike some lazy-pants

jelly-bellied holiday showboats,

we operate 365 days a year.

It's hard to believe,

but once upon a time,

Christmas was my favorite holiday.

Singing carols,

eating fresh cookies...

Oh, the memories.

You know, that for years,

I looked up to you?

I wanted to be

just... like... you.

You were such a good boy.

What happened to you?

Hah! All-knowing, are we?

Clearly not.

What happened?

I grew up.

I saw through your phony generosity,

giving your worthless toys away,

keeping naive children

drunk with sugary sweets,

while you keep all of the

good stuff to yourself!

I don't know what

you're talking about.

Oh, no?

How do you make it all around

the world in one night?

Huh? Or fit all of those presents

into one bag? Huh? Huh?

How do you fly?

How do you live forever?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

- Stop that!

- Sorry, sir.

Every year, I wrote to you,

asking for the answers,

And all you ever gave me were toys.

This Christmas, I will

have my Christmas wish!

I will give the secrets

of your sleigh to my mother,

and Quickest Airborne Delivery

will be, at last,

the fastest delivery service on Earth!

(RADIO SQUAWKING)

Neville! Pick up, you

moon-faced feather-brain!

Excuse me, I have a business, uh...

A foreign dignitary client

important person.

- That needs my...

- Neville!

Pick up the radio,

you dunder-headed dolt!

Oh, hello, Mommy.

Good news.

I found Santa's workshop.

Have you, now?

(BERNARD WHISPERING) Santa!

Santa, it's me, Bernard.

Bernard! (CHUCKLES)

Clever disguise.

Do you think you can

get us out of here?

He's after the Time Globe.

I have a better idea.

I think I know a way to stop him,

but I'm gonna have to go back in time.

Again.

Bernard! Be careful!

I told you.

You can't undo the past.

- Only add to it.

- I have to try.

If I can stop myself from making

it to the presentation, I can...

Who are you talking to?

Ow!

I see with that thing!

- How do you like it?

- Ow!

I... Little...

(ALL SHOUTING) Come here, you!

Gotcha!

(SIGHS)

Great. Dead end.

(DOLL SQUEAKS)

(GUN BEEPS)

(SAGS)

Come out, little elf.

There's nowhere to run.

And you wouldn't get very far

on those stubby little legs of yours.

Ah. Don't mind if I do.

(ENGINE ROARS)

What's that sound?

(HORN TOOTS)

I'm going back, Santa!

If I can destroy the memory device,

I can stop the presentation!

Good luck, Bernard!

(GRUNTS) Don't move, Beardy.

(EXCLAIMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GIGGLING)

Get that elf!

(BOTH YELL)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(YELLING)

Snow long!

(CHUCKLING)

(YELLING)

They're coming!

(YELLING) Come here!

- Move it in!

- Here, here!

- Go, go, go!

- Yes!

Come on, Bernard,

just a few more seconds!

(ISSUING COMMAND)

(GRUNTING)

Deck the halls, I made it!

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

What did you do that for?

MAN:
He's activated the sleigh!

OTHER BERNARD:
I have?

How did I do that?

(YELPS)

- Get it!

- Follow me!

(ALL CLAMORING)

(YELLING)

Oh, my whole life and I had to

repeat this day three times.

(WHISPERING) Watch out for the...

(SQUISH)

Oh, come on, I just

cleaned up in here.

Well, duh,

you went back in time.

(SNORING LOUDLY)

Nah, too loud.

(ALARM CLANGING)

OTHER BERNARD:
What are you doing here?

I expressly ordered

nine ladies dancing.

(RESUMES SNORING)

(GASPS) I told you.

You're looking at the world's

first time-traveling elf.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Excuse you!

You don't eat it, you just...

(EXCLAIMING)

(THUMP)

(SLEEPY MUTTERING)

Oh no!

Mint chocolate cookies,

I slept in!

Not today, not today!

Oh, where the blinking...?

Ah, there you are.

(GASPS)

Oh, now I'll never stop

the presentation!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(GASPS) No pants!

No pants!

(YELPS)

(GASPS)

- Huh?

- Huh?

(PANTING)

I've got a presentation to stop.

If I could just get there first!

Ooh, this is gonna sting!

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

Wait! Wait up!

Wait up!

Hold the train!

Ooh!

Oh, sorry!

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

That way!

Ooh!

Morning, Blitz!

(BERNARD GROANS) Ow!

(INQUISITIVE GIBBERISH)

How long have I been out?

Oh, great! It happened again!

Ow! What'd you do that for, anyway?

Jumping on me like that.

Have you lost your mind?

(GIBBERISH)

(LAUGHS) Me?

It was my fault?

You are ridiculous.

BERNARD 2:
Listen,

you have to find the other me.

Stop me and get me to listen

to you, no matter what!

It was my fault.

You just got the wrong "me."

(SIGHS)

What's the point of

having a time machine

if you can't go back and

prevent things from happening?

(POWER GRID HUMMING)

Hah! There are the lights!

Brilliant! Disaster

is right on schedule!

(SIGHS)

(INQUISITIVE GIBBERISH)

Oh, just leave me alone, would you?

You should stay away.

As far away from me as possible,

if you know what's good for you.

Just go back to the stables

before I mess everything

up for you, too.

Can't you see what

a muck-up I am?

Go... Go on, Blitz.

Go on, will you?

Go!

MAN:
Santech is only for

the greatest elf minds, not...

(INHALES)

...reindeer poop-scoopers.

Could this day get any worse?

(ZAPPING)

BERNARD 1:
Ow!

(BERNARD 1 GRUNTS)

SNOWY:
Wake up, Bernard!

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

Thought you could get away, did you?

Well, Bernard, if you

are indeed innocent,

how do you explain this?

Huh? We found this outside Santech.

We believe that you intentionally

caused the blackout

that disabled the cloaking hologram!

(SIGHS) I'm not the one you

should be worried about.

Neville Baddington. He's the one

you should be worried about.

- Who's that?

- Neville Baddington.

Height:
six foot one.

Weight:
blah, blah, blah.

Oh, here we go!

Heir to the Quickest

Airborne Delivery empire.

(FANFARE PLAYS)

WOMAN ON SCREEN:
Globe-trotting millionaire

and all-around eccentric heir

to the Quickest Airborne

delivery service,

Neville Baddington claims

"I can find Santa Claus."

(SIGHS)

WOMAN:
You heard it right, folks.

This particular purveyor of parcels

looks to unlock the secrets

of Santa's speedy sleigh.

NEVILLE ON SCREEN: I've been

documenting him for years.

I have photographic proof

here, here and here.

- Hmm?

- That's him.

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