Saving Santa Page #5

He wants to learn how Santa

travels round the world

in one night

(BUZZING)

- (GASPS)

Sir! I think we've got a blip!

A blip?

Uh, I think it looks

more like a blop.

NEVILLE:
Oh, of course!

Silly-billy me.

Clearly, there is nothing there.

I mean, any rational person

would see that there

is nothing beneath us

but a bunch of mountains and snow.

And not a clever facade

masking Santa's workshop.

Surely not.

Only a madman would think

we will surely crash and explode

into fiery bits and pieces

if we flew straight down...

(YELLING)

(KLAXON SOUNDING)

Sir, someone has

breached the hologram!

Put it onscreen.

It's an invasion.

Everybody panic!

Don't we have a plan for this?

For an invasion of the North Pole?

Who plans for that?

- Run!

- Hide!

(ALL YELLING)

Out of my way! Out of my way!

Bernard! You must know some way

we can stop Neville Baddington.

You can't.

I've tried everything!

Three times!

What's gotten into you?

Earlier, you were so

desperate to save Santa.

And now you just don't care?

I've failed.

There's nothing I can do.

He's going to invade.

(GASPS)

I'm sorry.

It's like Santa said,

once something is done,

it can't be undone.

(SIGHS)

I'm no hero.

I'm just a poop-scooper.

Say you've got another shot

At saving Christmas Eve in you

These other elves

They don't know where to turn

Take a good long look at me

'Cause somehow

I believe in you

That kind of elf belief

you have to earn

So stop and think

'Cause you know what's in store

An elf with that much vision

Is an elf we're fighting for

But before I do

the big hard sell for you

I need to know

what kind of elf are you

Sink or swim

Do or die

Make this stand

Or stand by

When everyone around you

wants to run and hide

It's time to decide

What kind of elf

you want to be

You've got brains

I know you have

You've brains enough

for two in there

So come up with a

plan to save the day

Think back over everything

There has to be

a clue in there

You find it and we're

with you all the way

So stop and think of

the children big and small

'Cause a Christmas

without Santa

Doesn't sound much fun at all

Sink or swim

Do or die

Worth a shot

Worth a try

When everyone around you

wants to run and hide

It's time to decide

What kind of elf...

Look, if you say

that you trust me

Then, OK

I'll trust you too

- As long as children

- As long as children

- Believe in Santa

- Believe

Then I won't give up on you

WOMAN ON SCREEN:
Is it true

your mother is the real CEO of QAD?

Excellent question.

Let me think.

Get over here, you pesky,

little good-for-nothing!

WOMAN:
Well, someone seems to

have lost their Christmas spirit.

Holy eggnog, that's it!

He has Christmas spirit.

But it's lost in his brain!

- Oh.

- I know how to stop Neville.

(PEOPLE CLAMORING) Quiet down!

Calm down, everyone.

I've got it!

This memory machine caused it,

and it can end it.

But I need help fixing it.

Who's with me?

(GASPING)

(EXCLAIMING)

- So stop

- Stop!

I can put this right

I swear to you

I'll have the big man

flying high tonight

Sink or swim

Do or die

Rally round or say goodbye

Each one of you's a hero

if you only knew

So who's on my crew?

I need you and

you and you and you

Sink or swim

Do or die

Whata team

You and you and you and I

When everyone around you

wants to run and hide

It's time to decide

What kind of elf

you want to be

Are you an oaf like that?

Or an elf like me?

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

BERNARD:
Quickly! We have to get

to the sleigh before Neville does.

The coast is clear.

Move!

Secure the front door.

Go, go, go!

Hurry everyone!

Blend in!

MAN:
Nothing here.

(GASPS) Here he comes.

MAN:
You two,

stop right where you are!

Nobody move!

(EXCLAIMS)

Pucker up, lass.

(CHUCKLES)

(GIGGLES) Shh!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

MAN:
Run this way, you two!

Now, now, now!

(CACKLING)

Oh, it wouldn't be Christmas

without complete chaos

and utter panic.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Do you smell that?

I don't think this is going to work.

There's too many of them.

And, frankly, too many of me.

You're right. The only way around this

is to jump from the roof.

Really?

The only way?

No way. No roof!

(GRUNTING)

No! I'm a delicate snowflake.

- Hey!

- Sorry!

NEVILLE:
I want to know

how a man that big

gets around the world

in one night!

Find that sleigh!

MAN:
Let's start in the Pancake Palace.

MAN 2:
Good call.

(SNEEZES)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

- Why, you little...

MAN:
- Yeah! Where's the sleigh?

SANTA:
You two are not

being very good this year.

(GROANS)

Santa! (GRUNTING)

(BERNARD STAMMERING)

That really is high.

Step aside, please.

Hmm...

(WHIRRING, BEEPING)

There we go.

How much do you weigh?

Fifty... Uh, forty-two...

one... ish.

That should hold.

Probably.

OK, let's do this!

(YELLING)

( ASHLEY TISDALE: "SOME KIND OF MIRACLE")

Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo!

No, not now!

(YELLING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, poo!

(ALL GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(GASPS)

(YELLING)

Hold on, I've got you!

- Good luck!

- Thanks!

(ALL GROANING)

Are you sure

he's just a poo-shoveler?

(EXCLAIMING)

How do I stop this thing?

(YELLING)

Ooh!

(DOOR RATTLES)

(GRUNTING GROANING)

I guess that was the only way.

MAN:
Follow me!

(GASPS)

Right here!

(CAR APPROACHING)

(YELPS)

A fine time to have a chat.

You want to help, maybe?

(TIRES SCREECH)

(DOOR THUMPS)

BERNARD 1:
They're coming!

Oh, I just wish I had time to think.

I just wish I had time.

(BLIXEN SPEAKS GIBBERISH)

Not now, I'm thinking.

(GRUNTS) More time.

The Time Globe.

I could go back and warn Santa.

Blitz, you're a genius!

(GROANS)

BERNARD 1:
Were you eating pancakes?

(GRUNTING)

- Move it in!

- They're here!

Go, go, go!

BERNARD 1:
Oh, where the elf is it?

Spread out.

You check that side.

We're clear!

Yes!

- There!

- Get him!

(ISSUES COMMAND)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

(EXCLAIMS)

What did you do that for?

MAN:
He's activated the sleigh!

- Get it!

- Follow me!

Don't move!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ALL GROANING)

What is this?

I turn my back for two seconds

and you're having a little nap.

Hey! Stop that elf!

You!

Yes, you, you tick-infested nitwit.

Pull the sleigh outside.

I want everybody to see my triumph!

(ALL GASPING)

NEVILLE:
Witness, all of you!

Santa's sleigh and all its secrets,

beneath my icy boots.

Neville Baddington.

CEO and majority stockholder

in the world's soon-to-be-biggest...

Nay, only package delivery

mega corporation!

You can almost hear the "whoosh"

of packages whizzing around the world

at the speed of Santa, 365 days a year!

Hah!

And mother, if her tear ducts do,

in fact, exist,

tears of pride will stream down

her sweet, prunish cheeks,

as she embraces me with

her jagged, bony frame.

"Good job, Neville," she'll whisper.

As of this moment,

Christmas is outsourced!

"Dear Neville,

what I want for Christmas

is to be able to go back in time

and tell you the secrets

of the North Pole.

Love, Santa."

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