Saving Silverman Page #8

I'm not like that.

I use magic.

Beat it, baldy.

Okay, good stuff.|Tough crowd. I like that.

I have here two...

...ordinary metal rings.

You and me.

I love you.

Sorry, I forgot my beer.

This is my boyfriend, Darren.|So hit the bricks, porky.

Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.

Satan.

I'm sorry about|hitting on you before--

-You should be.|-I am. I am.

I just, I wasn't thinking in....

You're so beautiful, and I....

I'm sorry.

So make up for it. Buy me a drink.

-Yeah. Okay.|-I'll have a Scotch.

Give the lady a Scotch,|and I'll have another beer.

-He'll have a gin and tonic.|-Make that a gin and tonic.

Can you believe he hooked up|with the queen of all hotties?

They're just having a drink together.

It's not like they're|going steady or anything.

It's midnight.|You know what that means?

No. What?

It's our six-week anniversary.

-Did you get me anything?|-No.

That's okay. That's okay.

No big deal. But...

...I...

...got you a little something.

Thanks. That's really nice.

You know, I've been thinking.

We've been together for a while now...

...and it seems like|maybe it's time...

...we get a little more intimate.

Are you saying you want to have sex?

Yeah, I am.

I don't believe in premarital sex.|I'd rather not cheapen what we have.

Of course. Of course not.|Me neither.

-So it's best to wait.|-You're right.

I think-- I mean, you're--|It's best.

But...

...that doesn't mean that we can't...

...pleasure each other in other ways.

I got you.

Oh, I got you.

That was really great.

Thanks.

That got me pretty excited.

That's nice.

I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone|did that to me.

Oh, I get it.|You want me to go down on you.

I would love to, but I can't.

I have very, very sensitive gums.

You have gums--|It's a medical condition.

I wouldn't want to cause you|any pain, baby. No.

You're so sweet.

You know, there are other ways to give|me pleasure without using your mouth.

Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate.|I'm sorry.

No, that's fine. That's fine.

Have fun.

-Watch your head.|-This place is a dump.

I really don't want to do this.

It'll be great. It's our Sunday ritual|and I want you to be part of it.

I want you to get to know these guys.|You'll love them, honey.

-Yeah, buddy. What's up, dude?|-What's up, J.D.?

Judy, awesome to meet you.

Judith.

Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?

-No.|-Totally cool.

No peer pressure.

Judith rules. Sorry. Come on in.

Check it out. Chewie.

You want a drink?

-Scotch on the rocks.|-You want ice?

I'll help you with that.

Hey, Judith.|Can I give you the grand tour?

Let's start right here|in the "Hall o' Neil."

This is Neil, '74. Check this out.

This is a set list|from the Millennium Concert. Look:

Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay.

Looks like a Xerox.

No. This cost a lot of money.|Check this out.

-I think you got taken.|-Ready?

This shirt...

...was worn by Neil...

...in concert.

Check it out. We snuck backstage...

...and totally stole it from him|while he was taking a whiz.

In my profession, we call|your obsession with Neil...

...a delusional projection fantasy.

Yeah, sure. But he's America's|greatest songwriter and he's our hero.

And he's playing the Forum|in two weeks.

Of course, we can't go because|of the whole restraining order thing.

Neil, I love you!

You again!

Neil! Where are you going?

I want to party with you.|I want to party with you!

Game's on.

Game's on.

-Give me the remote.|-I want to go.

-Give me a beer.|-We just got here.

These guys are pigs.

Come on. No, they're not that--

Hey! What are you doing?

Dude, if you get the nachos|stuck together, that's one nacho.

Okay, look. Why don't we just stay|for a little bit, okay?

Oh, take mine. Take mine.

Give her the old sweep-a-roo.

Old Ethel. We've been through|a lot of games together.

Enjoy.

I'll help you.|She has multiple reclining positions.

-I can sit forward.|-It's stuck.

-It's fine.|-Takes a little muscle.

Come on, you f***ing piece of sh*t.

-I don't need--|-It's no trouble.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.

You know what? I think I-- Yep.

It's the lug nut. Fixed it.|Please have a seat.

I'll stand.

I'm a--

-Sorry.|-Get me something.

So Darren tells me|you're a psychologist.

-That's right.|-Interesting.

I'm in a related field.

Really? What's that?

Pest and rodent removal.

How is that related?

We both help people.

While you deal with their emotional|and intellectual needs...

...I protect them from gophers,|coons, roaches, silverfish....

He launched it.

Touchdown!

I don't want you to see|Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren!

But they're my best friends.

You're getting new friends, and you're|quitting that bullshit band.

I know you're upset. I do.|But I am not dropping Wayne and J.D...

...and I'm not quitting the band.

Okay, fine. No more sex.

What?

You're not allowed to go down on me|for one month.

No, Judith, please--

Don't make me take away|your masturbation privileges.

You go, boys. You sing this song.|You know it. Come on, boys. Sing it!

-Sing it!|-This blows, man.

Judith's out of control.|We gotta do something.

Besides ruining the band,|what else has she done?

Ever since she moved in with him,|she's controlled his life.

She didn't like his ass.|Made him get butt-cheek implants.

I thought his ass looked tighter.

Check this out. Last night...

...torched his Neil Diamond albums.

She torched Neil?

You're right. She's a monster.

Two, three, four.

-Hey!|-Yes!

-Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.|-It's all right.

I only have a minute.|I have to wax Judith's legs.

-We miss you.|-We never see you anymore.

I know, I'm sorry...

...but I've just been so happy|spending time with Judith.

Plus, my relationship|counseling sessions--

Counseling?

Yeah. I go two hours,|three times a week.

Oh. Who's your counselor?

Judith.

We don't think she's right for you.

Break up with her.

She's ruining our lives and yours.

This graph should|illustrate our point.

Before Judith, our fun level|was at an all-time high: 93.

It is now an eight.

Band numbers have|plunged dramatically.

Girls, never very high, at nine.|But look now. Two!

This has led to increased wanking off.

I'm chafing.

Sh*t, I gotta go home|and heat the wax.

Guys, listen.|Thanks for your concern, really.

I miss you too. But it was great|seeing you, all right?

That guy's in serious trouble.

We need to save him.

Sorry to bother you.

What are you doing here?

We want to apologize|for the beer shower.

And the salsa bath. That was bad.

-Get the hell out of here.|-Just give us a minute, okay?

My rate is $200 an hour.

Do you have any money?

I got some of that.

Just give me the big bills.

Six. Is that all you have?

Thirty. $7.38.

Two and a half minutes.

We don't want you seeing Darren.|We don't think you're right for him.

The band needs him.

-But we're prepared to buy you off.|-With what?

My house.

Okay? Look.

My grandma here? She was born in this|house, is buried in the back yard.

There's my mom...

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