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Saving Silverman Page #8
I'm not like that.
I use magic.
Beat it, baldy.
Okay, good stuff.|Tough crowd. I like that.
I have here two...
...ordinary metal rings.
You and me.
I love you.
Sorry, I forgot my beer.
This is my boyfriend, Darren.|So hit the bricks, porky.
Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.
Satan.
I'm sorry about|hitting on you before--
-You should be.|-I am. I am.
I just, I wasn't thinking in....
You're so beautiful, and I....
I'm sorry.
So make up for it. Buy me a drink.
-Yeah. Okay.|-I'll have a Scotch.
Give the lady a Scotch,|and I'll have another beer.
-He'll have a gin and tonic.|-Make that a gin and tonic.
Can you believe he hooked up|with the queen of all hotties?
They're just having a drink together.
It's not like they're|going steady or anything.
It's midnight.|You know what that means?
No. What?
It's our six-week anniversary.
-Did you get me anything?|-No.
That's okay. That's okay.
No big deal. But...
...I...
...got you a little something.
Thanks. That's really nice.
You know, I've been thinking.
We've been together for a while now...
...and it seems like|maybe it's time...
...we get a little more intimate.
Are you saying you want to have sex?
Yeah, I am.
I don't believe in premarital sex.|I'd rather not cheapen what we have.
Of course. Of course not.|Me neither.
-So it's best to wait.|-You're right.
I think-- I mean, you're--|It's best.
But...
...that doesn't mean that we can't...
...pleasure each other in other ways.
I got you.
Oh, I got you.
That was really great.
Thanks.
That got me pretty excited.
That's nice.
I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone|did that to me.
Oh, I get it.|You want me to go down on you.
I would love to, but I can't.
I have very, very sensitive gums.
You have gums--|It's a medical condition.
I wouldn't want to cause you|any pain, baby. No.
You're so sweet.
You know, there are other ways to give|me pleasure without using your mouth.
Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate.|I'm sorry.
No, that's fine. That's fine.
Have fun.
-Watch your head.|-This place is a dump.
I really don't want to do this.
It'll be great. It's our Sunday ritual|and I want you to be part of it.
I want you to get to know these guys.|You'll love them, honey.
-Yeah, buddy. What's up, dude?|-What's up, J.D.?
Judy, awesome to meet you.
Judith.
Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?
-No.|-Totally cool.
No peer pressure.
Judith rules. Sorry. Come on in.
Check it out. Chewie.
You want a drink?
-Scotch on the rocks.|-You want ice?
I'll help you with that.
Hey, Judith.|Can I give you the grand tour?
Let's start right here|in the "Hall o' Neil."
This is Neil, '74. Check this out.
This is a set list|from the Millennium Concert. Look:
Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay.
Looks like a Xerox.
No. This cost a lot of money.|Check this out.
-I think you got taken.|-Ready?
This shirt...
...was worn by Neil...
...in concert.
Check it out. We snuck backstage...
...and totally stole it from him|while he was taking a whiz.
In my profession, we call|your obsession with Neil...
...a delusional projection fantasy.
Yeah, sure. But he's America's|greatest songwriter and he's our hero.
And he's playing the Forum|in two weeks.
Of course, we can't go because|of the whole restraining order thing.
Neil, I love you!
You again!
Neil! Where are you going?
I want to party with you.|I want to party with you!
Game's on.
Game's on.
-Give me the remote.|-I want to go.
-Give me a beer.|-We just got here.
These guys are pigs.
Come on. No, they're not that--
Hey! What are you doing?
Dude, if you get the nachos|stuck together, that's one nacho.
Okay, look. Why don't we just stay|for a little bit, okay?
Oh, take mine. Take mine.
Give her the old sweep-a-roo.
Old Ethel. We've been through|a lot of games together.
Enjoy.
I'll help you.|She has multiple reclining positions.
-I can sit forward.|-It's stuck.
-It's fine.|-Takes a little muscle.
Come on, you f***ing piece of sh*t.
-I don't need--|-It's no trouble.
Are you okay?
I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.
You know what? I think I-- Yep.
It's the lug nut. Fixed it.|Please have a seat.
I'll stand.
I'm a--
-Sorry.|-Get me something.
So Darren tells me|you're a psychologist.
-That's right.|-Interesting.
I'm in a related field.
Really? What's that?
Pest and rodent removal.
How is that related?
We both help people.
While you deal with their emotional|and intellectual needs...
...I protect them from gophers,|coons, roaches, silverfish....
He launched it.
Touchdown!
I don't want you to see|Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren!
But they're my best friends.
You're getting new friends, and you're|quitting that bullshit band.
I know you're upset. I do.|But I am not dropping Wayne and J.D...
...and I'm not quitting the band.
Okay, fine. No more sex.
What?
You're not allowed to go down on me|for one month.
No, Judith, please--
Don't make me take away|your masturbation privileges.
You go, boys. You sing this song.|You know it. Come on, boys. Sing it!
-Sing it!|-This blows, man.
Judith's out of control.|We gotta do something.
Besides ruining the band,|what else has she done?
Ever since she moved in with him,|she's controlled his life.
She didn't like his ass.|Made him get butt-cheek implants.
I thought his ass looked tighter.
Check this out. Last night...
...torched his Neil Diamond albums.
She torched Neil?
You're right. She's a monster.
Two, three, four.
-Hey!|-Yes!
-Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.|-It's all right.
I only have a minute.|I have to wax Judith's legs.
-We miss you.|-We never see you anymore.
I know, I'm sorry...
...but I've just been so happy|spending time with Judith.
Plus, my relationship|counseling sessions--
Counseling?
Yeah. I go two hours,|three times a week.
Oh. Who's your counselor?
Judith.
We don't think she's right for you.
Break up with her.
She's ruining our lives and yours.
This graph should|illustrate our point.
Before Judith, our fun level|was at an all-time high: 93.
It is now an eight.
Band numbers have|plunged dramatically.
Girls, never very high, at nine.|But look now. Two!
This has led to increased wanking off.
I'm chafing.
Sh*t, I gotta go home|and heat the wax.
Guys, listen.|Thanks for your concern, really.
I miss you too. But it was great|seeing you, all right?
That guy's in serious trouble.
We need to save him.
Sorry to bother you.
What are you doing here?
We want to apologize|for the beer shower.
And the salsa bath. That was bad.
-Get the hell out of here.|-Just give us a minute, okay?
My rate is $200 an hour.
Do you have any money?
I got some of that.
Just give me the big bills.
Six. Is that all you have?
Thirty. $7.38.
Two and a half minutes.
We don't want you seeing Darren.|We don't think you're right for him.
The band needs him.
-But we're prepared to buy you off.|-With what?
My house.
Okay? Look.
My grandma here? She was born in this|house, is buried in the back yard.
There's my mom...
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"Saving Silverman" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/saving_silverman_17524>.
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