Saving Silverman Page #9

...there's my dad and there's me.

My dad was dropping me|on my head. But...

...we're willing to sign|this over to you...

...if you just agree|not to see Darren.

I don't want your shitty house|or your dead grandma.

I'll throw J.D. in.|He doesn't look like much...

...but he's hung like a horse.

It's true.

Look, Darren's mine.|There's nothing you can do about it.

I own him. He does whatever I say.|I'm in complete control of him.

He's my puppet|and I'm his puppet master.

You're not taking Darren away!

Just try to stop me.

One round, winner takes Darren.

-You're on.|-Kick her ass.

Go.

You've got quite a grip.|You must be a heavy masturbator.

My guess is three times a day?

I bet you're a premature ejaculator.

You start off with a big bang.

Before you know it, you're limp.

-I win, you lose. Now get out.|-God!

Hey, check it out.

Hey, baby.

Hello, ladies.

So how much?

Fifty bucks for you,|and 200 for your friend.

-Okay.|-All right.

I want you to laugh|like he just said something.

Perfect!

Get this one.|Be like this. Like this.

Douche, douche.

Yeah, you. Slap his ass.

That's not sexy.

Watch it.

You're moving my guy!

Lookit. Lookit.

Good.

-Awesome.|-Check this out.

Mail, check. Go. Don't look back.

Hurry up. Come on.

Hi, Judith. How's it going?

Not so good. Look at these.

Oh, my God.

He's sick.

He's perverted.

-He's cheating on you.|-With two chicks.

I don't know. I guess I'd dump him?

-Oh, totally.|-Right?

Do you guys notice anything weird|about these photos?

No, that's Darren, all right.

Darren doesn't have a tattoo.

Nice try, idiots.

If I ever see you near Darren again...

...I'll kill you.

Thanks for meeting me here.|I have something important to say.

Oh, man. You broke up?

No.

Out of the blue,|Judith proposed to me. We're engaged.

-What?|-Dude, congratulations.

Starting next week,|I'll be Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.

Right, because you're gonna take|her last name, huh?

Yeah, well...

...Judith feels, and I think she's got|a really good point here...

...that it's sexist for the woman|to take the man's last name.

Anyway, it's too late to change it.

We've already ordered|the monogrammed towels.

Darren.

Sandy?

Sandy Perkus.

Oh, my God, Darren.|It's been so long.

Yeah, it has.

Hey, it's Wayne.

High school, remember? You remember?

Right! The senior talent show.

Yeah, you were booed off the stage.

That was me.

Yep. Sandy, remember me?|J.D. McNugent?

I went to the prom...

...with a tuxedo painted|on my naked body.

Oh, I guess I missed it.

I spilled a drink and the paint ran|and everyone could see my dong.

It doesn't ring a bell.

Remember, in science, I was lighting|farts with the Bunsen burner...

...and I singed my ball sac?

No.

Man. I still can't grow hair|on my left nut.

Sucks.

So how are you?

Great. Great.|I just moved back to town.

Oh, wow, that's great.

Gosh, you know, I have to go,|but it was great seeing you.

Yeah, same here. Me too.

-See you.|-Take care.

-Okay, bye.|-Awesome.

Yeah, bye. Bye.

Oh, my God.

-This is it!|-What?

It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus|has just walked back into your life.

You even said so yourself.|She was your one and only someone!

She used to be.|Now Judith is my one and only someone.

I'll talk to you guys later. Okay?

Isn't "one and only" like, one...

...and only?

-Here's your drink.|-Where's the lemon wedge?

We're out of lemons,|but I'll run to the store--

Forget it. I want you to meet|two exciting people.

Brett is a tax attorney,|and Clayton's a CPA.

Wow, that is exciting.

This is my fianc, Darren.

-Pleased to meet you.|-Same.

-Congratulations.|-Thank you.

Excuse me, I'll get it.

Is Darren here?|I think he left his Vespa helmet.

What's going on?

We're having our engagement party.

Oh, then I guess our invitations|must've been lost in the mail.

No.

I think it's very possible|she didn't even send us invitations.

-Thanks for stopping by.|-Who's Darren talking to?

Those are his new friends.

-I'll have a merlot.|-A spritzer.

-We don't work here.|-You fooled me.

-My name's Brett, this is Clayton.|-This is Darren.

Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.

-Darren's our friend, Brett.|-We knew him first.

F*** you, replacement friend!

Eat this, fake Wayne!

Stop it! Do something!

Get out of here!

Hey, this isn't over yet!

We're not giving up on Darren!

She thinks this gig is over.

It's not over. No!

But we are taking this into overtime!

Yeah! Okay, strategy session.

-Okay, our enemy is wicked.|-Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

-No, Damien.|-Dude, she's Vader.

No, she is the Emperor!

But with really great tits.

Okay, now, Sandy?|That girl, she's a nice girl.

-She's a sweetheart.|-Dude, a saint.

-A goddess.|-A princess.

You know what?|She's kind of like Mother Teresa.

But with way better tits.

And Darren loves Sandy|no matter what he says.

Definitely.

That's why we have to intervene|and fix the problem!

-Definitely!|-All right!

We're gonna kidnap Judith|and set Darren up with Sandy.

What?

The bat is leaving the cave.

Roger that.

Alarm system has been deactivated.|Out.

Roger that.

Dude, you don't have to do the--

--sound. It already does that. Out.

Copy that.|I'm not going to make the--

--sound after I say stuff|from now on.

Shady McNugent...

...over and out.

That was the last one.

-I'm scared. What if we get caught?|-Not gonna happen.

I'm hungry.

We'll eat later.

-Can we go to Happy Burger?|-Yes, after the kidnapping.

I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with--

With cheese.

What?

You go downstairs and I'll check|upstairs. Do the Navy SEAL signals.

I only know the Air Force signals.

I'll be on the lookout.

God!

-I haven't located heryet.|-Me neither.

Keep checking.

Wait a second. I think I see|something in the back of the refrig--

In the back of the closet.

Check it out.

Nope. Coast is clear.

I'll keep looking down here, buddy.|You keep an eye peeled up there.

Oh, sh*t.

What is it?

I'm hit. I need backup.

I'm coming.

What happ--

Help!

Dead leg.

Help me, Wayne.

Oh, my God.

Get the door. Get the door. Door.

Darren, I'm leaving you.|We're finished. Done.

Don't call, write, e-mail or fax.

I never want to see your face|oryour fake butt again.

Okay, get down there.

Dude, wait. Why me?

Because you're guarding Judith.|I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy.

But when we let her go,|she'll be able to identify me.

No. She won't be able to|because you'll be wearing this.

But after we let her go, the cops will|look for a guy dressed as a bird.

-So?|-So, what am I gonna wear to work?

Your work clothes.

But tomorrow's casual Friday.

Get downstairs!

Who the hell are you?

Thanks for meeting me.|I called you out of the blue--

That's okay. I love catching up|with old high school friends.

-Are you single?|-Yes.

Great. Look, I wanted to talk|to you about Darren Silverman.

He's a really good guy.

You know what?|He works with the elderly.

Really?

-That is so sweet.|-He still talks about you.

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