Saving Silverman Page #10

There's something--

He even writes poems about you.|In fact...

...I think he loves you.

Wayne, I'm gonna become a nun.

In a week, I take my final vows.

I didn't even know|that you were religious.

I wasn't in high school.

But after I graduated,|I joined my parents in the circus.

And I became a trapeze artist.

I fell in love|with mypartner, Luigi Panini.

Ladies and gentlemen,|the fabulous Luigi!

And everything was perfect until....

Talent scouts were in the audience.

Luigi wanted to impress them.

He was a great trapeze artist,|but he was completely vain.

And now Luigi will attempt|the most dangerous stunt...

...in the history of trapeze...

...the Quadruple Bierman.

Luigi!

-Wow.|-Yeah.

After Luigi died,|I knew I would never love again.

That's when I decided to devote my life|to serving God and helping others.

So you haven't taken|your final vows yet, right?

-Right.|-So technically, you're not a nun yet.

Well, no. I mean, not yet.

So why not then just|have lunch with Darren?

I can't figure out why Judith left.

It doesn't make any sense.|She didn't even take her clothes.

Maybe she went where she didn't|need clothes: a nudist colony.

-I don't think so.|-Maybe she got kidnapped.

-You think?|-No.

Definitely not. That's impossible.

It's like, why would that|happen in a world?

Maybe she's a lesbo.

Come on.

Maybe she's a herm.

-What?|-A hermaphrodite.

Little dick, little puss.

-Guess who I bumped into today.|-Who?

Sandy Perkus,|and she wants to see you.

-I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne.|-She dumped you, dude.

Just have lunch with Sandy.|What's it gonna hurt?

No way. Judith's coming back.

What if she doesn't?

As long as Judith's alive,|I'll never give up on her.

Okay? Okay?

I got it. Crowbar me.

Oh, my God.

-What is it?|-This dead chick is really stacked.

Okay, go, go. Go.

-What are you doing?|-Jacket's caught.

Take it off!

I love this jacket!

Lose it!

Damn! That was my favorite jacket.

In a bizarre incident last night,|Judith Fessbeggler...

...was incinerated beyond|recognition when herBMW...

...careened offa cliff.

Investigators have declared it an|accident. No foul play is suspected.

In unrelated news, the body of|deceased local Joan Snerd...

...was dug up in a grave robbing last|night. Police arrested three Cubans.

-Why are you doing this?|-So you can eat and have clothes.

No, why did you kidnap me?

I'm not supposed to tell you.

Oh, I get it.|The other guy's the boss.

No, I make decisions too.

I suggested that.

An outhouse. Clever.

Thanks.

-You must be very well-educated.|-I suppose.

-Ivy League?|-More or less.

-Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton?|-S.U.

Oh, Stanford University?

Subway University.

I knew someone who went there.|Did you know J.D. McNugent?

No. No. Never heard|of such a person, ever.

-See you later, J.D.|-Take it easy, Judith.

Goddamn it!

-She knows who we are?!|-There was nothing I could do.

She used her super-intellect on me.|She's like Hannibal Lecter.

-Great. Now we can't let her go.|-So, what are we going to do?

-Coach.|-Coach!

If it ain't my favorite|third-string quarterback...

...and the best damn mascot|Wheaton High School ever had.

Lookit, he's still got it!

It's good seeing you boys.|Thank you for coming to my trial.

No problem. We were happy to act|as witnesses on your behalf.

That ref blew.|He deserved what he got.

Touchdown!

No touchdown. He's out-of-bounds.

-What?!|-He's out-of-bounds.

You think after you get out of prison|they'll let you get your old job back?

Well, boys, I don't think so.

So when will they let you out?

Well, I've got an appeal pending,|but it doesn't look good.

The victim's whiny|family's protesting.

What's their damn problem?

So, what brings you boys here?

Well, coach, we need your advice.

Okay, shoot.

Darren fell in love|with this girl, Judith.

-And we kidnapped her.|-Kill her.

Wait a minute and let me finish.

So we screwed up because now|she knows who we are.

So we can't let her go,|or she'll turn us in.

Is that everything?

Kill her.

We can't kill her.

You can! Wheaton Warbirds can do|anything they put their minds to.

But, coach, I mean, come on,|actually kill a person?

What is it that I always said?

If you can dream it, you can do it.

Exactly.

You have the dream. All you have|to do is turn it into reality.

-Okay.|-Thattaboy!

Now, go on home and snuff her.

-Come on, move.|-Thanks, coach.

Where's your bird suit?

I don't need it, because we're--

Because we're gonna kill you. Right?

You aren't going to shoot me.

What makes you say that?

Because you're not killers.

Sure we are.

You've never killed anyone.

I killed a man once.

-Oh, really?|-Yeah.

-Who?|-Kevin Beckley.

You didn't kill Kevin Beckley.|He died in a car wreck.

-She doesn't know that. Goddamn it.|-You see?

You guys have never killed anything|in your entire lives.

One time, this squirrel ran out|into the street and I ran over him...

...and he didn't die right then, but|I'm pretty sure he died right after.

It doesn't matter if we've killed|or not! We're gonna do it right now!

-Ready?!|-Ready.

-Do it.|-I can't!

Goddamn it!

-Okay, it's Tuesday.|-So?

So you're meeting Sandy for lunch.

Can't you see I'm in mourning?

But you promised you'd be there.|You gave her your word.

I didn't even talk to her.

Okay, I gave her your word.

For God's sakes, when will you give up|this idea that I'll go out with Sandy?

When you go out with Sandy.

Now, come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on, come on.

Come on! All right! Come on!

Hey! Wow, you're wearing the--

I'm training to become a nun.

A nun. Well, that explains it.

-I hope it doesn't freak you out.|-No, it doesn't.

Actually, I'm relieved.

I think Wayne was trying|to set us up on a date.

Oh, yeah.|He's got some crazy ideas.

Yeah. Well, now that I know|that you're unavailable...

...it makes this easier.

We can just be friends.

Exactly. Friends.

Please.

-Thank you.|-Sure.

So how are your parents?

Oh, great. They're making|a fortune on the lnternet.

They started their own Web site,|circusfreak.com.

Wow, good for them.

And how's your brother, Dog-face Boy?

He got rabies.

-God, that's too bad.|-Yeah.

We thought we were gonna|have to put him down...

...but he recovered.

Oh, good. Good.

So how are you?

Oh, me? I'm great.

Yeah, everything's been|really good, you know?

Yeah.

Well, my fiance died.

She died?

Yeah, she's dead.

-I am so sorry.|-Oh, don't be.

Please don't be sorry.

It's nothing.

So how do you feel about....

Oh, no.

Oh, gosh. Just cry. Let it out.

I'm here for you, okay?|I'm here for you.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. Wait.|You're a Neil Diamond fan too?

Oh! The man's a genius.

Yeah!

He's the greatest songwriter-performer|of this or any generation.

I know.

Oh, God.

I brought you some more videos.

You got your choice:|Porno or monster trucks.

-And I got one that's both.|-Thanks, J.D.

I really appreciate you|taking care of me.

My pleasure.

Hey, you strike me as|a pretty responsible guy.

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