Scarecrow Page #5

- Want me to wash that tire?

- No.

I didn't know we'd get into gambling.

I thought you were just...

Shut up. You'll bring the heat down on me.

I could get the maximum.

You could also go out on the hog farm

instead of sitting on your ass all day.

Show coordinator is a pretty easy job.

Okay.

Where's the baseball scores?

- Why don't you finish your dinner?

- Yeah. I'll be right back.

Hi, buddy.

Max, I didn't ask for that job. Believe me.

I wouldn't wash cars without you.

Want a cigar?

I got one for you. Go ahead.

You look tired, you know that, buddy?

They working you hard?

I'll be back.

Keeping warm?

You know something?

I think you're going to be real sorry

when you find out I didn't do anything.

- That it wasn't my fault.

- Francis!

Real sorry.

Go ahead. Have a good lunch.

If I don't see you again, hello.

You know, I...

- I've been thinking about something.

- Yeah.

I think you'd make a good

assistant director for my talent show.

What do you say?

It's better than washing cars.

- A talent show?

- A talent show.

What would I do?

You'd kind of help get the guys together,

you know, you'd rehearse the show.

I need a little extra time

to take care of business.

- It's easy.

- Okay.

There's the hog farm. There's Max.

Can we pull over, do you think?

Mickey, let's go over to Pigville.

Hey, there, fella, can you

wrap me two pounds to go?

I don't have too much time. Guess what?

I'm the director of the talent show.

Want me to make you a star?

Your name in lights?

You can bring your friends along

if you want.

Let's get out of here.

Us show people sure do envy

you simple men of the land.

Have a nice life.

Sh*t.

So he stands up there, right,

and he says, "No more jokes.

"No more jokes until the end of the show."

I got to pee.

- Your friend Max is out there.

- Max is going to be mad at me, too...

because I'm getting drunk and he's not.

You're a friend of mine. Max isn't.

Max is out there with all his friends.

You said it!

And you're in here having a good time.

I told you it pays to be

a friend of Jack Riley's.

- It sure does, Jack.

- Francis?

You know how much time I'm doing?

Goodness gracious.

Just put these together...

Just put it on the hand.

- You know how much time I'm doing?

- No. How much time are you doing?

Eighteen months.

- That's a long time.

- Yeah.

- That's a long time.

- That's a lot of Sundays, I'll tell you that.

How about it?

How about it?

How about it?

How about what?

Yeah, how about it?

How about, you know...

giving old Riley a little relief?

What do you mean?

Relief for what?

What do you say?

I don't know what you want.

Igor, you crazy monster.

- Get out. Go back.

- Don't make fun of me.

I'm not making fun of you.

What are you doing?

I'm kind of sensitive.

I'll show you what I'm doing.

- Riley.

- What?

Come on.

- Just a little.

- I'll bite it off, you f***.

Riley, I didn't mean to hurt you.

What's the matter with you?

Mama's boy likes to play, but doesn't pay.

Stop it!

Just cool it.

Jesus Christ. Who did...

Jesus Christ, man.

Riley tried to f*** me...

so I had to kick the sh*t

out of him, you know?

Jesus Christ.

Got to keep the weight

on the balls of your feet.

Otherwise, you slip down on your heels,

and you skid right into the pig sh*t.

- On the balls?

- Yeah. Right on the balls.

If you'd been out here in the first place,

you would have known all that.

I had my laughs.

- What did you say?

- I had my laughs.

Yeah.

I know somebody's not laughing.

He wanted to be in show business.

Show business.

Come here.

Something I don't understand, you know?

I just want to ask you...

how you people in show business...

manage to stay in action

when you give it away like that?

- What did I give away?

- You know, the whole business.

The whole show business.

You gave it to my partner Lion, didn't you?

Didn't you, Riley?

Didn't you give it to him?

Why don't you go f*** off?

See that?

I saved that.

I was thinking about Detroit.

Let's skip it. It don't feel good.

- What do I do with my lamp?

- You mail it.

It's not the lamp.

It's Annie, Max.

That's why I got to go back. I owe Annie.

Do me one favor, though,

let's make it fast.

Stay on here till we get to St. Louis.

Then we'll get off and catch

something else to get up to Detroit.

I could use a drink.

Eye to eye with me, the guy tells me

what freight train to catch.

I'll be damned.

That's because you look ridiculous.

See, he saw the humor in it.

- I see.

- Humor.

Humor.

You know something, Max?

You used to look scary and ridiculous.

Now you just look ridiculous.

Really? It's because

I'm becoming a scarecrow, right?

That's right. You're a scarecrow.

- I'm a scarecrow.

- You're also an a**hole.

- You're also a scarecrow, too.

- Okay. But unlike you, huh?

I'm a scarecrow. That's right. You're right.

Listen. Have you taken a good look

at your mug lately?

Have you eyeballed it?

If that's what being a scarecrow is,

I don't want any part of that.

Scarecrows are beautiful.

Scarecrows are beautiful!

Hey, miss.

Can we have some coffee down here

for Mr. Scarecrow?

Scarecrows are beautiful!

I'm feeling good. I really feel good.

That's because you're learning, you know?

You're learning how to laugh.

And guess what? I taught you.

- I'm your... What do you call it?

- You're my taughter.

- Taughter.

- Right?

You're my teacher, buddy,

and I'm telling you it's really comforting.

Will you f*** off? Jesus Christ.

What's the matter with you?

I thought you were a scarecrow.

What are you doing?

Didn't you learn anything?

- You show me how to handle a drunk then.

- Okay, I'll show you.

Here.

No.

- You're losing him.

- I'm not losing him.

Look at him.

- You're losing him.

- I'm not losing him.

That's my uncle you're making fun of.

This is my wife here.

We were just having...

Okay, down.

- Okay, all right.

- No, Max.

Just one way. Get out of here.

- You okay?

- I'm okay.

That's it.

- No, no...

- That's it. Go ahead. Have a time.

- But I...

- Go on. Have a time.

- Have fun.

- Come on.

Come here!

Hello, Lion? Max wants to talk to you.

Look at this. I'm an old scarecrow.

Come on. Come on back here.

- How about that?

- I'm going to help.

Shake hands. He don't want to fight.

Watch it, God damn it. Watch out.

You okay, old-timer?

Hold that for me.

Come on! Take it off! Bravo!

Take it off!

- He's something else.

- Bring on the girls!

I had them laughing, didn't I?

You're going places, Max.

You know what we're going to have

out in front of our car wash?

- No. What?

- A scarecrow. That's what.

Good night, world!

Good night, world!

You motherfuckers!

I'm glad you wore your sweater,

'cause it's cold, you know.

- Where's your house?

- It's right in there.

Is that it?

Go ahead.

No, I think I should call first.

- It don't feel right.

- All right, call.

There's a phone over there.

Just call them.

Here, man, hold this.

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