Scary Movie 2 Page #11

HANSON:

You know, making a turkey is a real

art. The trick is in the stuffing. A

lot of people are afraid to get their

hands dirty. Not me. When I stuff

it, I like to get the whole hand up

in there. And you know I use a secret

ingredient in the stuffing...

Hanson pulls out a box of "HAMBURGER HELPLESS" with a crippled

white glove on the box.

Everyone moans. Their appetites, ruined as Hanson continues

to tear up the turkey.

HANSON:

Who's first? Anyone like a wing?

DWIGHT:

Yours, or the turkeys?

HANSON:

I supposed you'd like a leg. How

about two?

DWIGHT:

That's it. I'm gonna put my food in

your ass. I should warn you, I'm a

black belt in karate.

Dwight pulls out a picture of himself in karate outfit lying

on the floor with one leg up in a pose.

HANSON:

You don't scare me. I was a Golden

Gloves champion.

Hanson pulls out his own picture of himself, shirtless in a

boxing pose with a regular glove and a miniature glove on

his little hand.

PROFESSOR:

Relax, Dwight.

(then)

I got an idea.

(to Hanson)

Is there anything you didn't make?

HANSON:

Well, the dessert. I ordered out.

PROFESSOR:

Great. What do you say we just skip

the heavy stuff and go straight to

the dessert?

HANSON:

Well, I guess if that's what you all

wish.

Hanson goes to retrieve the dessert. He returns with a large

cream pie.

Everyone smiles. Hanson cuts a piece, slowly. Everyone watches

to see if he'll put his hands in it. He doesn't.

Hanson places the pie on Cindy's plate.

Cindy smiles. She's about to take a bite when Buddy sticks

his finger in the pie.

BUDDY:

My germs!

He takes the pie from Cindy, but before he can take a bite

Dwight sticks his finger in the pie.

DWIGHT:

My germs! Ha, ha!

Everyone laughs.

The professor reaches to cut himself a piece of pie when...

Hanson shoves his finger in the pie.

HANSON:

My germs! Ha, ha!

Everyone tosses down their napkins and gets up from the table.

HANSON:

(licking his fingers)

Funny, I always win that game.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

Everyone gathers around the fireplace, enjoying after dinner

beverages.

THEO:

She stands behind the bar, mixing drinks for the guys.

THEO:

What can I get for you, boys?

SHORTY:

Yo, I'll take a "Sex on the Beach."

THEO:

Professor?

PROFESSOR:

Make mine a "Screaming Orgasm."

THEO:

Ray, what do you want?

RAY:

Balls on My Chin...

(off their reactions)

What, you out of "Bacardi?" Fine,

give me a "Mud Slide."

Theo gets behind the bar and begins to entertain everyone

with a nice display of bottle tossing. She is flipping bottles

of alcohol behind her back, under her arms, between her legs.

She then jumps on top of the bar and lays on her back and

starts spinning the bottles on her big tits!

CINDY:

Professor, what's the history of

this house?

PROFESSOR:

I'm glad you asked. It actually makes

for a pretty good bedtime story.

The Professor picks up a children's book. "This Old Haunted

House." He sits in front of the fireplace.

PROFESSOR:

Gather around.

Everyone gathers around the fireplace.

PROFESSOR:

This house was built in 1898 by a

man named Archibald Keaton as a gift

to his wife, Cora.

BRENDA:

Yes, I feel their spirits. Cora...

Keaton... I am here to communicate...

PROFESSOR:

No, they sold the house in 1920 to a

millionaire, Uriah Bloodworth.

BRENDA:

Yes, of course, Uriah. I feel his

evil presence.

PROFESSOR:

No, he lost the house after the stock

market crash.

BRENDA:

But he could still be haunting the

house. He's angry that he had to

leave.

PROFESSOR:

He's not dead, you idiot. He lives

in Florida. Now, shut up and let me

finish.

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