Scary Movie 3 Page #5

Let her go!

We gonna get another lawsuit.

She spit on me.

I'm gonna kill the b*tch.

Ah!

You won.

You won.

You won.

You won.

- Upstairs.

- Okay.

- Down low.

- Okay.

- All right.

- Baby, no!

- Kill her! Is you crazy?

- Baby!

[Laughs]

What you gonna brush now?

What you gonna brush now, huh?

Come on, baby!

You picked the wrong TV

to come out of.

George?

Cody?

Oh!

George?

- Ow!

- What happened?

I don't know.

Cody and I were playing

a fun game,

and then I looked down.

[Gasps]

Yahtzee!

No!

Oh, my God!

How could you let him

watch the tape?

[Telephone ringing]

Hello?

- MAN:
It's me. How you doing?

- Fine.

Enjoying your last week?

I can't wait to see you.

- Six days now, right?

- Yeah.

It was great catching up.

Can I speak to Cody?

Why?

He didn't watch the tape.

Yes, he did. Come on, Cindy,

I do this for a living.

Leave us alone!

[Rings]

Hello?

Hello, I'm calling

from "Reader's Digest"

with a fantastic offer

for Cody.

- [Snickering]

- Aah!

No, you're not! You're that evil

little girl from the tape!

[Laughs]

Okay, you got me.

How about I just leave

a message for him?

Fine.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Okay, how do you

spell that?

Right.

Okay, got it.

Bye-bye.

Aaaah!

I can't believe

you let that happen.

I know. I'm sorry.

I screwed up.

Listen, we can still save him.

The answer to the tape,

to your crop circles,

is at a lighthouse.

Oh, you think I'm crazy,

don't you?

Of course I do.

But the last thing you need now

is a screw-up like me.

I'm gonna leave for good.

Wait.

Well, what should I tell Cody?

Let him down easy.

Tell him I got called away

on business.

You'll think of something.

Testicular cancer.

He won't ask questions.

I knew you'd understand.

George!

Just...

be careful.

Something weird is going on

at your farm. I know it.

I don't know.

Sometimes a sheep needs

pushed through the fence.

- What?

- Goodbye, Cindy.

[Girl chanting]

- Sue?

- I can't sleep.

Well, it's way past

your bedtime.

Won't you rock me to sleep

in your big, strong arms?

There's plenty of room

under the covers.

It's a hot night.

You don't need to wear pajamas.

Where is my daughter?

Are you mad?

I am your daughter.

No, you're not!

Aaaah!

Aah!

Come here!

What did you do with Sue?

I didn't touch her.

I swear.

I don't believe you!

Please! For God's sake,

she's a girl!

You sick...

Oh!

[Giggles]

- Aah!

- Daddy!

How do you like it, huh?

Having fun?

Aaah!

[Thud]

Tom, are you...

What in the world?

Shh!

Look.

What is that thing?

I don't know.

Maybe Cindy was right.

Please, sir.

All I need is five minutes.

And I told you, Campbell,

no more paranoid on-air rants

- about the supernatural.

- I know.

This station is about sex,

violence, and the weather.

Yes.

That reminds me.

We're gonna need that "Porn Star

Shot Dead in a Hurricane" story.

One hour.

GIGGINS:
Meanwhile,

a tornado in Charleston

threatens a clothing-optional

beach where just yesterday

a naked couple

was brutally murdered.

This just five miles

from where the last naked couple

was brutally murdered.

Turning now to sports.

And an evil videotape

that kills anyone

who watches it in seven days.

It's true.

We're all in danger.

- There's an alien force

- Oh, no.

that's trying prevent you

from knowing the truth.

Campbell, are you insane?

It's a horrible fate.

Carson, I have to do this.

Correction,

there really is no danger.

Actually, I didn't really mean

anything I just said.

Yes, I did.

Every word of it.

Everyone watching this

could be dead in a week.

Oh, shizl gzngahr.

[Blabbering]

this dumb-ass cracker Giggins

for 10 years.

But I been hitting it

with his woman for 12.

Know what I'm saying, nigga?

She likes her some chocolate.

Sharpton for president, y'all.

I'm outie.

Peace.

HARRIS:
An evil videotape

that kills people in 7 days.

Alien forces

threatening the world.

And who the hell

is this Cindy Campbell?

If what she says is true, we're

facing an unprecedented crisis.

Get me the president.

You are the president.

Good. Then I already know

about this.

Let's order lunch.

Sir, I think you need

to go on TV

and convince the people that

there is no such thing as a UFO.

Don't spell in front of me,

damn it.

Aliens, sir.

There's no such thing

as aliens.

- That's not quite true.

- Sir?

A year ago, a UFO crash-landed

in New Mexico.

- A body may have been recovered.

- "May have been"?

Well, there was

a terrible mix-up.

It was Thanksgiving.

The body was sent down

to the kitchen.

They shoved stuffing up its ass,

and we ate it at a state dinner.

That's the last I saw of it.

No, scratch that.

There were some sandwiches

made the next day.

Mr. President!

- Listen to me.

- Agent Thompson!

Back away from that window!

What? Did I forget

to put my pants on again?

No, sir. It's just a feeling

I've been having

since the news about the aliens.

- Something's not right.

- I know what you mean.

It's like that feeling

that something's not right.

What is it?

Some old Tupac, sir.

[Hip-hop music plays]

"All eyez on me."

Hey, this sh*t is banging.

Thank you, sir.

I appreciate it.

- [Air horn blows]

- Oh!

Hello, Cindy.

I am the Architect.

You have many questions.

["Jeopardy!" theme plays]

I've been watching you

for a very long time.

So I see.

What is the connection between

the crop circles and the tape?

The answer is simple.

You are the eventuality

of an anomaly.

You are inexorably seeking

a sedulant probability.

Sedulant?

Grotesquerie?

No?

What about

contingent affirmation?

- That's got to mean something.

- Hey!

Hey!

You put cameras in my bathroom?

[Gasps]

What is this?

Oh, my God.

Well, it was a long winter.

This is an invasion of...

Ow!

Oh, sorry.

I can't help it.

It's very lonely in here.

Ergo, I haven't been with anyone

in a very long time,

not counting myself.

Or this chair.

I call her...

Linda.

Could you just cut to the chase?

I'm kind of in a rush.

Why? You can always sleep over

if you want.

Linda's built for two,

and she vibrates.

Stop it! Just tell me

what I need to know.

Who is that little girl?

Okay, okay.

My wife and I wanted a child,

but she couldn't get pregnant.

Neither could I.

So you adopted.

We loved our daughter,

but she was evil.

Made the horses crazy,

killed our puppies,

hid the remote.

Really sick sh*t.

My wife took her

to the old family farm

and drowned her in the well.

I felt a simple time-out

would have been sufficient.

But Tabitha imprinted her evil

on a videotape.

I never meant for it

to get out, but...

But what?

I put it in the wrong box

and returned it to Blockbuster,

instead of my copy

of "Pootie Tang."

It's been circulating

and killing ever since.

Just like "Pootie Tang."

But what does this

have to do with aliens?

I don't know.

Perhaps Tabitha's summoning them

to kill us all.

An alien invasion?

I have to warn the world.

It's already begun.

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