Scary Movie 3 Page #6

You're too late.

Oh, my God.

But not too late

to make an old man happy.

What?

And now reports of lights

in the sky.

Glimpses of spacecraft.

Possible alien sightings being

reported all over the world.

Are they aliens?

The first video images

are coming in.

Disturbing home video tonight

from a ranch

outside Sydney, Australia.

Watch very carefully now.

There it is.

Let's see that again.

Very, very disturbing.

And this just in

from Sao Paulo, Brazil.

Let's see that again.

Very, very disturbing.

And this just in

from South Texas.

Do they pose a threat?

Only one thing's for certain.

We are all going to be killed.

We have to board up the house.

HARRIS:
Are you sure

this is necessary, Wilson?

Having an awards ceremony

at a time like this?

Yes, sir. Everything must

appear business as usual.

The nation, while not yet

panicked, is deeply disturbed.

Right.

We can steer that course,

keeping everybody

deeply disturbed.

We don't want a panic.

Very few presidents have faced

a crisis like this.

I wonder what President Ford

would've done.

Well, if the buck stops here...

the buck stops here.

Thank you all,

and welcome to the White House.

The Mother Teresa Awards

recognize those

who have overcome

the severest handicaps

and disadvantages

to help others

in their communities.

The young, the old.

Black and white.

Our Native American friends.

Hey, how are you?

[Chanting] Hey, how are you?

Hey, how are you?

Hey, how are you?

Ah.

Well, it is therefore my honor

to present each and every one of

you with this symbol of merit.

The room is secure,

Mr. President.

- Or is it?

- Sir?

I've been thinking, Thompson.

What if the aliens could

take over human bodies?

They'd look just like us.

Or almost.

I never thought of that, sir.

We should be on alert

for anything suspicious.

They could be anywhere.

Even...

Right here.

My God.

We'd never see

the attack coming.

- It's frightening, sir!

- Don't panic.

We'll just move slowly

toward the exit.

[Mechanized voice]

At last we meet, Mr. President.

It's happening.

I knew it.

You'll never take me alive!

Aaaah!

Ah!

She's scrambling my brain!

I'll get her!

Aaah!

Oh, no, you don't!

Not on my watch!

Good work, sir!

Good God!

The small ones have metal teeth!

Jerry's kids, my ass!

WILSON:

Mr. President!

Mr. President, have you gone

completely insane?

Like a fox.

We got to talk to the person

who saw this coming,

Cindy Campbell.

She knows how

to defeat the aliens.

- Filthy, rotten scum!

- Aah!

Aah!

You're hideous!

Get off my planet!

- No!

- Is everything all right?

The exits are all blocked.

I'll find one, sir.

Everybody, clear!

This way, sir!

God, this is exciting!

You're excited?

You should feel my nipples.

Cody?

Cody?

Cody, where are you?

Honey?

GIGGINS:
After today's incident

in the East Room,

the White House

is now advising all citizens

to board up their homes and

prepare for an alien invasion.

Oh, no.

And now a News 8 exclusive.

The killer videotape

you've been hearing about.

We're the only station

that has it,

and we're showing it all night.

Very exciting.

Let's roll it again.

There. Nobody's getting

through that sucker.

But we have to get down

to the cellar.

- George.

- Cindy.

There's no time.

Cody.

Thank God.

I've been worried sick.

He showed up about an hour ago.

I tried to call.

No, he didn't.

Okay, but I was gonna.

No, he wasn't.

Cody, the point is you can't

just run away like that.

I wanted to be with George.

Oh, honey, I know

you want a dad, but...

Oh, trust me, Cody,

I'm not good at anything.

Why would I be good at that?

SUE:

Uncle George!

It's gonna be okay, Cody.

I'm going to die, aren't I?

Cody, did I ever tell you

what your mom said

about you

the day you were born?

No.

I was in the delivery room

with her.

She was having a hard time.

Then you began

to come out of her.

And your mom screamed

and screamed in pain.

She yelled, "Just kill me.

Bludgeon me with a bedpan.

Whatever you do,

put me out of this pain."

She was gushing

torrents of blood.

I have this all on tape

if you want to see it someday.

Well, finally you came out.

Your mom cut

your umbilical cord herself.

Well, on the second try.

The first time she snipped

your penis in half.

After all, she was drunk.

Actually, drugged.

We'd been out the night before

celebrating St. Patrick's Day.

She thought, "Hey,

I never tasted crystal meth."

So she did just a little.

My penis?

Yes.

They sewed it on upside down.

So that's why I pee up?

Yes.

We'll get it fixed, honey.

It's on my list of things.

Right after we get TiVo.

Anyway, there you were.

Your mom turned to me and said,

"Hey, you want him?

Take him."

Then she died.

And I took you.

Do you know why?

I had just lost my cat

in a fire,

and I needed something

to pet and feed.

And I miss that cat, Cody.

But I love you.

And nothing's

ever gonna change that,

not even the very painful death

we're about to experience.

TOM:

George!

[Banging]

Are they gone?

I don't hear anything.

[Banging]

[Screams effeminately]

Don't worry, Sue.

SUE:

It was Uncle George.

Well, it's scary.

Good work, Sue.

I don't know what stupid,

idiotic thing

made these lights go off.

All right, there's spare fuses

in the crawl space.

I can get these lights back on.

[Banging]

Quick, George,

grab that railroad tie.

Jam it against the door.

- Oh!

- [Gasps]

My balls!

Oh!

Not those!

Jesus!

No!

SUE:

Uncle George!

I'm scared!

Oh, sweetie, come here.

It's okay.

Aah!

There's something

on the other side of the door.

I can't see anything.

Oh, my God.

Can you see them?

They're horrible.

They're grayish

with big black eyes.

Their teeth are grotesque.

[Trilling]

- I think they're giggling.

- What?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, I think...

- I think they want...

- [Banging]

Aaah!

Help!

Cody!

Oh, my God!

George.

Swing away, George.

- Aah! Aunt Cindy, help!

- I'm coming, Cody.

I'll save you.

- Ugh!

- Die!

Die!

You damn aliens, let him go!

You're not getting in here!

- What else you got?

- George.

There!

Had enough?

Yeah. Forget it, Cody.

Thank me later.

Oh, Cody.

Oh, thank God.

Come on.

SUE:

Daddy!

- Daddy!

- Sue!

Oh!

Mahalik,

what are you doing here?

I told you the hood's

always got your back.

Thank God.

There's two of them at the door.

They're gone.

Good.

They couldn't get in.

I hear they can't open doors.

They mastered space flight,

but they can't get

through a wooden door?

Oh, look, the cellar's

the safest place.

Women and children stay here.

- Ugh!

- All right, and the men,

we go outside and fight.

Right. And what's

the cutoff age for children?

Come on!

[Groans]

[Rustling]

- [Shovel c*cks]

- Follow me.

[Tires screeching]

I'm sorry.

I thought

I was hitting the brake.

Now, we don't have to go

through insurance, do we?

Mr. President,

what are you doing here?

I'm looking for Cindy Campbell.

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