Scary Movie 5 Page #5

No, that's the Big Dipper.

Really? I call mine

"Thor's Hammer."

I can't see sh*t.

Bottom line is,

parodies come from the truth.

It's observ ation.

So if something

looks familiar, heads up.

Ha-ha, Boner.

Boner?

Stay back, a**hole !

Damn these fake tits.

This surveillance work

is really interesting.

Yeah.

It must be really hard trying to

be so inconspicuous and quiet.

Right, well not everybody

is cut out for it, you know.

Hey, have you ever heard

me play the drums?

Damn !

Hey, not bad.

Here it comes.

"And don't call me Shirley! "

Hey, hey guys.

They just found the

Administrator Formerly

Known as Principal,

bound and gagged, dead.

Let's go down there before

the coroner does...

and play "Weekend at Bernie's"

with him.

And I never got

a chance to know him.

I'll get it.

It could be my accountant.

So, here we are all alone.

Right?

I have something for you,

Dawson.

Oh, yeah?

I want you, Dawson.

You want me to wear that?

No, this is for me.

But this is for you.

Oh.

Wait, wait.

Wait a se cond.

I thought you were a lesbian !

A lesbian?

Why?

Hello?

You play softball.

You watch Ally McBeal.

The WN BA?

No Dawson, I'm not gay.

Barbara's gay.

Barbara?

Big Rosie fan.

- But, you are a witch, right?

- Oh, yeah.

Lame Gag !

You s cared the crap out of us.

What is it, boy?

I'm sorry.

What is it, girl?

Slab's in trouble?

Steroids?

In the bathroom?

Burt Reynolds wears a rug?

O.J. was framed?

Khaki's aren't cool?

I have to disagree with you.

I think you're completely...

Well, f*** you too!

Come on, let's go.

- Slab!

- Oh my gosh !

I think I used too much.

Oh, this is horrible.

I know.

Who is gonna clean this up?

Dawson, no.

There's no point

in beating Dead Horse.

Okay, Dawson, I'm going to ...

Dawson, Dawson !

I was just che cking for clues.

Would you?

Mmmmm, beefy!

You're too late.

Alright.

Alright, pepperoni boy,

let's see 'em.

We made it!

Hold on,

I'll take care of this.

You mean big bully!

You bad, bad, bad killer.

I'm going to s cratch

your eyes out, big bully.

Whoa !

Alright!

Yeah, kick his ass !

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

You sure you're not a lesbian?

Well, once, at camp.

Cool.

Let's find out

who this a**hole is.

Who is that?

Abe Lincoln.

Abe?

Okay, come on now.

Take them off.

But, they're company property.

N ice.

Sh-hh.

Did you hear that?

- Oh, excuse me.

- No, not that.

Let's roll.

Hey, wide load, you and pizza dork

gotta hoof it.

Get off!

We're going in !

Come on.

Hey, I think this

is the last one.

You !

Who were you expe cting,

Billy Loomis' mother?

Of course !

Rule N umber 1 0 1 :

You can't have

a successful parody

without mocking, contrived,

confusing endings.

But why, Doughy?

I'm not Doughy, dumbass.

That's not even real.

But it is dastardly.

So if you're not Doughy,

that makes you...

Yes !

Doughy's evil twin cousin,

Harding !

Wow, good twist.

So what's your motive?

In the Millennium--

motives are accidental.

Do you mean "incidental"?

I should have killed you first.

Hey. Hey! Now--

I suppose this is what you

used to disguise your voice.

Helloooo, Cindy!

No, I mean this !

Hello, Martina.

What's your favorite movie?

I am your father, Luke.

Freeze !

Don't shoot, I give up.

- Hardy!

- Yo, Dough !

Doughy, what's going on?

They're identical.

Yeah, one good,

one evil.

Wow, just like the Olsons.

Except where as Harding

enjoys a minuet,

ballet russes

and crepe suzette...

Doughy likes to rock and roll,

a hot dog makes

him lose control.

What a wild duet.

Still, they're cousins.

Identical cousins.

They laugh alike.

They walk alike.

At times

they even talk alike.

And, you can lose your mind.

Shut up everybody!

For God's sakes,

how many times do you think

we've heard that in our lives?

A little respe ct!

Harding !

You're a disgrace and an

embarrassment to our family!

Be cause of the stain

on grandma's dress?

No...

Oh, that.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

Is there any way I can

make it up to you, Doughy?

Well, first of all,

you can take that costume back

to its rightful owners

at the mall.

I don't have the re ceipt.

I'll make some calls.

But don't forget

about the fake dogshit.

I didn't take any dogshit.

Alright, you knucklehead,

give me a hug.

Ow.

N ice shot!

H uh?

Oops.

You guys all saw that--

I mean, that was an accident.

Yeah, it happens.

I really need

to get a new shade.

Here, try mine.

Perfe ct.

Well, I've got my s coop.

See ya, Doughy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

What about dinner

at the Wiener Puff?

Or maybe a snack

at the Pretzel Shack?

- Did you bring your bike?

- Uh-huh.

What about us?

Pizza guys get all the p*ssy.

Don't worry, Doughy,

we've got it all under control.

Yeah, except for

all those dead people.

Yeah. Well.

Let's go, kids.

Alright guys--

bag 'em, tag 'em,

let's wrap this up.

We'll take it from here.

Wow, Doughy.

A twin cousin.

Yeah, the resemblance

was remarkable.

People say we look

like Tom Cruise.

Hey, catering.

Martina.

Dawson.

Boner, you're alive.

God bless Viagra !

It saved my life.

I ate a whole bottle...

And when I had my heart attack,

the blood kept pumping anyway.

I can take this from here.

Yes !

We are so lucky

to have survived.

Now we can be together forever.

Well, at least until the sequel.

The End... as if.

Aren't you gay?

Not on my watch, punk.

Well, I guess

that about does it.

I killed my cousin.

My heart's broken

and my sister's dead.

Dammit, I love this job.

Well, now we're safe,

thank God.

Hey, you want to go for a walk

in the dark, s cary woods?

Sure.

Hey, Dawson !

Everybody! I did it!

I'm not a virgin anymore !

- Hello, Sydney.

- What?

I'm sorry-- I'm losing you.

I said-- hello, Sydney.

You're breaking up--

hello?

Who was it?

I don't know,

but if it's important,

they'll call back.

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