Scary Movie 5 Page #4

Remember, wings are free

when you buy a pitcher.

And now we're

in the final turn...

it's Martina and the Killer...

the Killer making his move...

Now it's the Killer

and Martina.

Martina now making her move...

Now it's Martina

and the Killer.

Attention students: There will

be a fire drill at 3:05 today.

Please bring your own matches

and lighter fluid.

Ah-hh !

Oh.

Two minutes to "show time."

Or should I say "shower time"?

Oh yeah !

Come to papa.

Slab?

Dawson?

Martina?

Eureka !

Alright!

Wait a minute...

What the--

Okay, okay. Okay.

Faculty coming through.

Hello!

Aren't any of you

on the Internet?

Put a leash on it, Tarzan.

Hello, gang !

Welcome to Sex Education.

If you aren't registered

for this course,

or are a Southern Baptist,

you're in the wrong room.

Ta ta.

A churching we go.

Okay, let's get started by

reviewing the basics, shall we?

Who remembers my two friends

Peter Longfellow

and Virginia Tulips?

Hey, baby, you smell like beer.

Oh Peter, please--

I've always relied

on the kindness of strangers.

Eat my stranger!

Ooooh ! Ow! Daddy! Daddy!

Yes?

Mr. Buchanan,

may I please be excused?

Couldn't wait till prom,

Ms. Delgado?

Go.

Go go go go.

Alright, let's move on to

our film, shall we?

I just need a volunteer to put

some fueler in the proje ctor.

Anyone?...

Fueler?...

Fueler?...

Yes.

I'll do it.

Sugar bugger.

There you go.

Knock yourself out.

There you go, killer.

You won't have any trouble

with those deltoids.

Alright, where was I?

The following motion picture

has been rated "X."

It contains adult situations,

adult language and nudity,

lots of nudity.

Extensive pausing or rewinding

will damage film.

Parental absence is suggested.

And now for our feature

presentation...

Hallmark Hall of Fame

proudly presents...

Motley Screw:

The Pam and Tommy Story.

Look, I'm driving the boat.

Look, I'm measuring the couch !

You look like a tripod.

Oh, would you look at that

choice of wallpaper!

Who is your de corator?

Mussolini?

Hey, no one is going

to see this, right baby?

Do you mind practicing

somewhere else?

Ow, this isn't going to help

my sore throat any, is it?

Scissors cut paper.

You lose !

Look, I'm polev aulting.

Ah, that's why I don't

wear underwear.

That was amazing

wasn't it, baby?

I just love playing

naughty Killer

and Prison Psy chiatrist

with you...

but next time, don't pull

so tight...

that's my good s carf.

Let's see what

the kids is up to.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, I'm sorry, lover...

Did I leave you hangin?

I know what we need.

Margaritas !

That's what I'm talking about.

See, it's me and you girl.

Alright!

Hey, you kids,

knock off the grab ass.

It's a good thing Principal

Winkler left that futon behind.

Come on, I want to show

you a trick.

Hey, what I just tell you?

Let's go, man.

I didn't see you come in.

Well, what do we have here?

I was just boning up on my CPR,

and I have a sore hip,

so we was in...

Hey, don't make me

come down there.

Alright, that's it.

Damn !

Wannabe.

Cherry v an, man.

Thanks, I bought it from Jewel.

It still smells

like peanut butter.

Oh, my God !

We saw him !

We all did.

Dawson's being interviewed

by the cops right now.

Yeah, but working

with William Kevinson

was a really great

experience for me.

He's a brilliant guy.

Got it?

You're a very attractive man.

Now s cram !

I want to take that home.

...two, one, and-- Welcome back

to Bulemia Falls H igh,

home of Empty-V's

"Spring Break Massacre,"

where we have live coverage

of the coolest murders

in the country...

and hot new videos

from the Backstreet Boys.

- So, Doughy.

- Hey, baby.

Officer Primessuspekt,

is it true that all

the students got notes

from the Killer?

U h-huh.

Well, what does it mean?

Are they in danger?

Well, I don't want

to s care anybody...

but I'd say they are all

strong candidates

for a good old fashioned

ax in the head.

Are we on live?

Hey, d*ckhead,

get a shot of them.

Officer Primessuspekt, are you

taking any extra pre cautions?

Don't touch me !

And also we'll send a unit out

to whatever deserted location

these kids are going to--

Where is that place, kids?

Rock and roll !

Hey, watch the ceiling fan.

So, I grabbed the bastard

by his cheap costume

and threw him up against

the wall and said to him,

"You want the truth."

"You can't handle the truth."

So, do you want to go upstairs?

H i, Doughy.

Hey, baby.

Are you all ready for tonight?

Let's just say I've got

an itchy trigger finger.

- Poison ivy?

- I showered at the Y.

Bad soap?

Yeah, I guess it's only

supposed to be used externally.

So, how come you have

a rash on your finger then?

Well, I had to get it out.

So, do think the killer's

going to show up?

It's Halloween isn't it?

Colle cting for the U nlucky

Fisherman's Association?

Sorry, Dude.

I gave at the pier.

Okay, so what do you guys

want to watch?

How about Teletubbies?

Nah, we don't have any pot.

Okay, we got Hot Shots,

The Naked Gun.

Ooh, Airplane?

I hear if you pause

it just right you can see

Leslie N ielsen's penis.

Ew!

Parodies are lame.

I'm gonna get some more beer.

I'll be back.

What are you crazy?

You can't talk like that.

We are in a parody situation.

What are you talking about?

A parody.

A killer in a The Killer costume

slaughtering a bunch

of good looking, horny students

at a ridiculously

named high s chool?

Okay, had anybody seen "Scream"?

Yeah, great flick!

For Christ's sakes guys,

"EMPTY-V"?

That's the worst pun

I ever heard.

It's so easy.

I mean, hello!

We all got notes--

"I Know What You

Did Last Summer" !?

That's not what mine said.

- Chan...kah...Chan...

- Give me that!

God, I haven't been so s cared

since I tried out for the WN BA.

Whatever. I'm not s cared.

Oh, Cheap Shot!

There you are.

Oooh, Cheap Shot.

Now, I really need more beer.

Come on guys,

look around you...

Dawson !

What? It's a family name.

Are we gonna be tested on this?

If we're not here in 2 4 hours,

we're not coming.

Who ordered the large?

I got it.

No, no, no.

Hagatha, allow me.

No really, I got it.

- No, I got it.

- No really, I got it.

- Hagatha, allow me.

- I'll flip you for it...

You're on !

Best two-out-of-three?

Okay.

Alright listen.

There are certain rules

you have to follow

in a parody situation

if you want to survive.

Okay, number one:

Exaggerate everything.

N umber 88:

Accept the ridiculous

as logical.

Don't worry,

I know how to please a woman.

Sexual sight gags--

always funny.

We're almost there.

Almost there.

Come on baby, yeah !

Yes ! Yes !

Yes ! I got it!

Oh yeah ! Oh.

And along with wacky

sound effe cts...

Here's Boner.

and unlimited absurdity...

Remember, nothing is s cared.

Damn it!

Just perfe ct.

You're forgetting

"Point out the obvious."

And finally, perpetuate

painful stereotypes.

That's ridiculous !

See, now that's Orion...

and that's his penis.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes