Scary Movie Page #11

BRANDY (CONT'D)

Ooo, yeah, do that sh*t!

Screen:
You are now listening to THX.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

This sound system is the bomb. I need

one of these in my car.

White patrons, shaking their heads. It's gonna be a long

night.

Ray is embarrassed by Brandy's behavior. He excuses

himself.

RAY:

Watch my seat. I have to go to the

bathroom.

INT. MOVIE THEATRE ' BATHROOM ' NIGHT

A guy stands in front of a condom dispenser and chooses from

the selection:
"Ultra

Sensitive", "For Her Pleasure", "Can't Feel Sh*t", and

"You're a Daddy".

Another guy washes his hands at the sink, then turns to pull

down the rotating towels and

it's a pair of pants that go in a circle.

Enter Ray. He waits for a free urinal, but they're all

occupied by guys pissing at a target

in the bowl. As they pee on the bulls-eye, toy horses race

across a track on the wall like a

carnival game. The guys look straight ahead.

Ray tries to find a stall.

He checks under other doors. He sees a pair of tennis

shoes, cleats, clogs, ballerina shoes

up on their toes, and the ugliest pair of men's feet with

freshly painted red toenails with

the toe separators still in them.

Finally, he looks under a door and doesn't see any feet.

Ray opens the door.

Reveal a LITTLE PERSON sitting on the toilet.

LITTLE PERSON:

Hey, I'm in here.

RAY:

My bad.

The handicap stall opens. A guy in a wheelchair rolls out.

The guy in the wheelchair

looks around, stands up, folds up the chair, picks it up and

walks out.

Ray shakes his head in disbelief, then enters the handicap

stall.

Ray finishes, zips his pants, turns to exit.

Ray starts to leave when he hears voices coming from the

adjacent stall.

Ray presses his ear against the stall wall.

Traces the sound to a small hole in the stall wall.

Ray presses his ear against the hole. A penis pokes through

tickling his ear. Ray

chuckles and presses his head closer.

This time the penis thrusts through his ear.

Ray grabs his ear in pain. Goo flows out of his mouth. He

falls to the floor.

INT. MOVIE THEATRE ' NIGHT

Brandy sits alone, eating and yelling at the screen.

BRANDY:

Don't go in there!

Screen:
Shakespeare climbing up the side of the tower. He

reaches the top. He and the

lady's nurse see each other. They scream. So does Brandy.

BRANDY:

This is some scary sh*t! Run,

Shakespeare, run!

Man next to her leans over.

MAN:

Will you keep it down!?

BRANDY:

Excuse me! I paid my money like

everyone else.

Screen:
Gwyneth Paltrow dressed as a man reciting the play.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

That ain't no man!

Brandy takes out a laser pointer.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

You can see her real hair under

that wig. Look right there!

People around her are getting really annoyed.

WOMAN:

Do you mind?

Brandy starts video taping the movie. The killer sits down

next to her. She doesn't notice.

BRANDY:

Hey Ray, you came back just in time.

Yeah, this movie is good.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

She's about to get it on with Shake-a-spear;

he found out she's a girl. This is just like

an episode of Jerry Springer.

Screen:
A fight on screen.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

Aw, sh*t. The fightin'! Jerry!

Jerry! Jerry!

The audience is furious.

OLD LADY:

Shut up!

MAN:

For Christ's sake, shut your trap!

Brandy's cell phone rings. She answers.

BRANDY:

I don't know why y'all trippin'. My

girlfriend saw the movie and she said

they don't even stay together in the end.

That's it. The audience has had enough.

The Man sitting next to her suddenly reaches over and stabs

her in the stomach, then goes back to watching

the movie. Brandy stands up, stunned and horrified. She

screams.

Then the Woman sitting behind her reaches over and stabs her

in the back, then also goes

back to watching the movie. Man #2 reaches over, guts her,

and then continues to watch

the movie. The Old Woman reaches over and cuts Brandy's

throat. Brandy tries to

escape, but all the people in the theatre start stabbing,

slicing and gutting her as she runs

by them ' all normal looking people: an old couple, a

teenager, middle class couple, a

priest, etc. The Killer never has to touch her.

Crying and bloody, Brandy stumbles toward the movie screen,

still getting stabbed by

everyone. She stands up in front of the screen, looks out

at all the pissed off faces in the

audience and drops to the ground, dead.

The audience erupts in wild cheers and applause.

EXT. CINDY'S HOUSE ' NIGHT

Party in progress. Several cars arrive, music blasting from

inside.

INT. CINDY'S LIVING ROOM ' NIGHT

Kids watch "Halloween H2O".

SHORTY:

Here it comes..SPLAT!

JILL:

How can you watch this over and

over?

SHORTY:

It's great promotion for Miramax.

TEEN:

When does LL get killed?

SHORTY:

He doesn't. LL Cool J is one of

the only black guys to survive a

horror movie. Him and Duane Martin

from Scream 2. That's because they

followed the rules.

JILL:

What are you talking about?

SHORTY:

There are certain rules a black

person must follow in order to

survive a horror movie.

JILL:

Where's Brandy?

SHORTY:

Probably dead. The sassy black best

friend of a white virgin is always

sacrificed first. It's like being the

black guy with the red shirt in the Star

Trek landing party when Kirk says

"Johnson, go check it out". You know

he ain't coming back.

Kids boo and throw popcorn at Shorty.

JILL:

I'm going to the kitchen. Anybody

want anything?

TEEN:

More popcorn.

Everyone laughs. She exits.

INT. CINDY'S KITCHEN ' NIGHT

Cindy is preparing chips and dip. Jill enters.

JILL:

Can I help with anything?

CINDY:

Sure, can you get some more beers

out of the fridge in the garage?

JILL:

Sure.

INT. CINDY'S GARAGE ' NIGHT

Jill enters, turns on the lights, makes her way to the

fridge.

She is startled by a cat.

JILL:

Oh, kitty, you scared me.

The cat runs out the doggie door that's cut into the garage

door.

Jill turns again. She is startled. This time by a horse.

JILL (CONT'D)

Oh horsey! You scared me too!

Finally at the fridge, she grabs a few drinks.

INSERT OF FRIDGE

Beer bottle labels: Cult 45, Satan Malt Liquor, Killer

Genuine Draft.

NEW ANGLE ' GARAGE

The door slowly closes.

Suddenly the lights go out.

JILL (CONT'D)

Who's there? Hello? Is anyone there?

Jill walking in the dark constantly talking.

JILL (CONT'D)

How tall are you? What's your sign? Do

you speak more than one language?

The lights back on. The killer is standing at the top of

the steps. Knife is drawn.

JILL (CONT'D)

Oh my God! Please don't! I'm just

a day player!

Killer swings with knife. Misses.

Jill drops the bottles, starts to run. Killer chases. She

swings open the refrigerator door,

smashing him in the face.

Killer falls. She runs for the door.

Killer cuts her off. She picks up a bottle and throws it at

the killer, smashing him in the

face. He stumbles back.

This is her chance. She runs to the doggie door.

The killer watches in disbelief as Jill tries to stuff her

body through the doggie door.

EXT. CINDY'S GARAGE ' DOGGIE DOOR ' NIGHT

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