Scary Movie Page #5

GAIL:

Close the goddamn door!

Kenny, horrified, slams the door.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL ' FRONT ' DAY

Gail trying to get information from the sheriff.

GAIL:

Sheriff, can I get a statement?

SHERIFF:

No comment.

Gail spots Doofy and approaches him.

GAIL:

Hi, Gail Hailstorm, field reporter, Hard

Story.

DOOFY:

Special Officer Doofy.

GAIL:

Is there a problem on campus?

DOOFY:

Not while Doofy's on the job.

GAIL:

Well, of course not, handsome.

He salutes her and a student walking by and smacks his hat

off his head. He scrambles

for it, then resumes his composure.

DOOFY:

(embarrassed)

You shouldn't be here.

GAIL:

I know. I should be on my knees

covering the next presidential

election. But who knew?

She tickles Doofy. He farts.

DOOFY:

Excuse me.

GAIL:

You look awfully young to be a

police officer.

DOOFY:

I'm twenty-five and a half years

old. That's this many.

He spreads his fingers on his hands twice. Then once on one

hand and gives her a bent

thumbs up.

GAIL:

You know, I prove to be most popular

with males eleven to twenty-four. And

most prison lesbians. Of course, you

don't look a day over twelve. Except

for that big head and glazed over look

in your eyes. Ooh, look a little drool.

DOOFY:

Yeah, sometimes I forget to swallow.

GAIL:

Don't worry, I never do.

She tickles him again and he farts again.

GAIL (CONT'D)

Remind me not to do that again.

Suddenly they are interrupted by an announcement.

PRINCIPAL V.O.

Hello, due to the recent events, a curfew

has been placed effective immediately.

GAIL:

Sounds like we've got a serial

killer on our hands.

DOOFY:

That's official police business.

GAIL:

Are there any suspects?

DOOFY:

I can't say mama.

Gail notices Doofy's large penis.

GAIL:

I say, that's a mighty big night

stick you got there.

DOOFY:

My mom says I can't play with it

cause I might poke someone's eye

out.

GAIL:

I can see how that could happen. Say,

what do you say we go back to my van and

get to know each other a little better?

DOOFY:

Ok.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM ' DAY

Cindy and Buffy enter. Cindy notices something immediately.

A bird in a cage.

CINDY:

You see? This is the kind of

cruelty I'm talking about. What's

an animal doing in here?

STUDENT:

He's our mascot. We adopted him.

CINDY:

No way. This animal is supposed to

be free and spread his wings.

Cindy opens the cage and removes the bird. She walks over

to the window.

STUDENT:

What are you doing?

CINDY:

Setting him free.

She tosses the bird out the window.

CINDY (CONT'D)

Fly, little birdy, soar little fella.

STUDENT:

You a**hole, his wings were broken. We

were nursing him back to health!

The bird falls to it's death.

CINDY:

Oops! My bad.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM ' DAY

A frumpy woman, MISS TATE, faces the class. Tragic look on

her face.

MISS TATE:

A terrible tragedy and an unbearable

loss. It's days like today we need

prayer in school.

Pull back. Reveal she is breast feeding a baby. She

removes the baby from her breast,

hands it to a nerdy fifteen year old student.

MISS TATE (CONT'D)

Here, go to your daddy.

MISS TATE (CONT'D)

Okay class, we've been discussing the

constitution this week. Who would like to

give their oral presentation first?

Young girl excitedly raises her hand.

MISS TATE:

Okay, Heather.

Heather runs to the front of the class.

HEATHER:

My presentation is on the First Amendment,

which protects freedom of speech.

NEW ANGLE CLASS:

Cindy is distracted by something outside the window. A man

wearing a mask and Scream attire looking at

her. He ducks behind a tree when she looks.

Cindy turns her head quickly to the class then quickly back

to the window, catching the killer as he steps

from behind the tree.

Killer freezes.

Cindy and killer play peek-a-boo, finally he disappears.

Cindy notices a note on her desk. She opens it.

Note reads:
"I know what you did last Halloween".

EXT. PARK ' DAY (CINDY'S FLASHBACK)

Flashback to romantic picnic in the park.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL ' CLASSROOM ' DAY

Cindy smiles, finds a second note.

Note reads:
"No, b*tch, I'm talkin' about the guy you

killed".

Cindy's face struck with terror.

Back to Heather who's been talking the whole time.

HEATHER:

That's whats so important about the

First Amendment. It gives us the right

to say what we want without fear of

retaliation

Smack! Heather goes flying.

MISS TATE:

Aw, shut the f*** up and sit down.

A student enters the class and hands Miss Tate a note.

MISS TATE (CONT'D)

Cindy, you're next. The sheriff's ready

to see you.

Cindy grabs her books and exits.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL ' PRINCIPALS OFFICE ' DAY

The LOCAL SHERIFF, a short pudgy balding man, late 40's, and

the SCHOOL

PRINCIPAL, Mr. Fonzy, mid 40's, average looking, nice guys,

waiting to interrogate the

next student.

SHERIFF:

So, who's next?

PRINCIPAL:

Cindy Campbell. She's the daughter of,

you know'

He makes an obscene gesture with his hand and mouth.

SHERIFF:

Oh, you mean Mrs'

Sheriff makes an obscene gesture poking his finger in and

out of a circle.

PRINCIPAL:

That's right, old Mrs'

Another gesture, more graphic.

SHERIFF:

The one and only.

Sheriff starts humping the air and climbs on the desk. He

starts having simulated sex.

He gets so into it he brings himself to climax just as Cindy

enters.

PRINCIPAL:

Hello Cindy.

Sheriff recovers himself, lights a cigarette and greets

Cindy. He has a big wet spot in the

front of his pants.

CINDY:

Principal Fonzy. Hello Sheriff.

Cindy takes a seat. She greets ANOTHER MAN who has just

entered, his name is DOOFY, let's call him

"slow", late teens, early 20's. He wears a make-shift

police uniform.

CINDY (CONT'D)

Hello Doofy.

DOOFY:

That's Officer Doofy today, Cind.

PRINCIPAL:

Cindy, we'd like to ask you some questions.

Sheriff annoyed by something.

SHERIFF:

What's that God awful smell?

DOOFY:

I go poopy.

SHERIFF:

Get him outta here.

PRINCIPAL:

Doofy, it's time to go back to special

ed. Maybe the sheriff will let you

play later, ok.

DOOFY:

Ok.

Doofy exits.

SHERIFF:

So, how are you Cindy?

CINDY:

Fine, Sheriff and yourself?

SHERIFF:

Bloated, constipated, got a boil on my

ass the size of a walnut, you know, the

usual. So we wanna ask you a few

questions about Drew Decker.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD ' DAY

The football team is practicing on the field.

EXT. NEW ANGLE ' INSIDE HUDDLE ' DAY

Ray calls the play.

RAY:

25 dive play on 2. Break!

They clap hands, break huddle and set formation.

Ray at the quarterback position steps up behind the center

who is bent over ready to hike

the ball.

RAY (CONT'D)

24, 25, 15, 22, 55, 66, 11, 45,

96, 17, 12, 37'

CENTER:

Hey, you gonna call hike or what?

RAY:

Oh, my bad! Hike! Hike!

Center snaps the ball. Ray steps back to pass, revealing

he's got a hard on. He throws

the ball and makes the play.

Coach blows the whistle, ending practice. The players rush

to the locker room.

INT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM ' DAY

Players enter after a tough work out.

Ray is first. He starts to undress. Several players pass

Ray and he congratulates each of

them with a pat on the ass.

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