Scary Movie Page #6

RAY:

Hey Murphy, nice catch. Dugan, good

block. Johnson, what a move. Woodward,

nice ass.

Woodward looks at him strange, continues on.

Ray heads to the shower, towel wrapped around his waist. He

notices Greg lingering.

RAY (CONT'D)

Hey Greg, you comin'?

GREG:

In a minute, I'm gonna work out first.

RAY:

Okay' Alright, guys, last one in is a

rotten egg.

Ray snatches off his towel, playfully swatting the other

players.

INT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM ' DAY

The last of the players exit. Greg appears from behind the

locker wearing just a towel.

He makes sure the place is empty. Greg walks to the

showers, very careful to keep his

towel wrapped around him until he's safely inside one of the

stalls. Even then, he

surreptitiously looks around to make sure no one's around

before removing the towel.

Greg approaches his locker and sees a Polaroid photograph

sticking out of it. He pulls it

out and looks at it. It's a photo of his tiny penis with

the words "I Know" written

underneath. Greg freaks.

GREG:

(yelling and searching the empty locker room)

Where are you?! Who did this?! This

isn't funny, all right? ' a small dick's

like a disability, man! Would you make

fun of somebody in a wheelchair? Huh?

Would you, you sick f***?

In the locker room, you see a kid in a wheelchair pushed by

another student real fast into

the lockers, ala "Slingblade".

GREG (CONT'D)

Where are you, you chicken sh*t?

As he continues his ranting and his search, we'

FADE OUT:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FRONT STEPS ' DAY

Cindy exits.

Brandy joins Cindy.

BRANDY:

Hey girl, you okay?

CINDY:

Yeah, just that some strange things

have been going on today.

Suddenly, Brandy's cell phone rings. She answers. Terror

crosses her face.

BRANDY:

Hello. Who is this? What do you want

from me? No please stop! I'm gonna

call the police if you don't stop

calling me!

She hangs up, visibly shaken.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

It was him again! He keeps harassing

me, sending me notes, calling me on

the phone. I'm so scared!

CINDY:

The killer?

BRANDY:

No, M.C. Hammer!

Brandy spots girls approaching.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

Aw, sh*t, I hope that tramp ain't coming

over here.

CINDY:

Who, Tanya?

BRANDY:

I don't like her cause she's phoney. I'm talking

faker than a swap meet hair weave.

Tanya arrives. Again hugs and kisses from Brandy.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

What's happenin'? Girl, I ain't seen

you in ages.

TANYA:

Right, since the video. Listen, I

just wanted to know if you guys were

coming to the pageant tonight.

BRANDY:

Aw, I can't. I gotta study.

TANYA:

Cind?

(V.O.) BUFFY

She's going to cheer for me.

Buffy joins the girls.

TANYA:

Oh, I see. Well, whatever. Good luck,

Buff.

Buffy gives a fake smile. Tanya walks away.

BUFFY:

(under her breath)

Slut.

TANYA:

(under her breath)

Ho.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOUNTAIN ' DAY (LATER)

Bobby, Cindy, Ray, Brandy, Buffy, Shorty are sitting around

the fountain, discussing the

murder.

CINDY:

The police asked me a whole lot of

questions.

BRANDY:

Yeah, my brother Shorty is still in

there.

Shorty approaches.

SHORTY:

Yo, yo , what's up?

RAY:

How'd it go with the police?

SHORTY:

They tried to intimidate a brother but

I told them I don't talk to pigs and I

ain't dropping dime on nobody. I just

told them where they could shove it.

Shorty reveals he has a plunger sticking out of his ass.

BOBBY:

They asked me if I knew how to hunt.

BUFFY:

That's funny, they asked me if I like

it doggie style.

CINDY:

It's a shame how she died. She was

such a nice girl.

BUFFY:

You know she used to babysit my brother

Doofy. He had the biggest crush on her.

SHORTY:

Hey, didn't Greg used to go out with her?

BUFFY:

What are you saying? Greg killed her?

SHORTY:

No, but it makes him a suspect.

BUFFY:

Oh, yeah, where were you last night?

SHORTY:

I was chillin' at the crib watching an ill

kung fu flick called Tae Bo. There was

this ugly ass brother and he looked like

a burnt up Keenen Ivory Wayans but the

ill sh*t is, he didn't fight nobody he just

warmed up the whole time.

SHORTY (CONT'D)

What did you do last night?

BUFFY:

I was in bed all night.

SHORTY:

Can you prove it?

BUFFY:

Sure I can, right guys?

Cut to the entire football team. They all nod yes.

BUFFY (CONT'D)

Here comes Greg. Now let's see what

he thinks of your suspect theory.

Greg approaches. He's pissed. He goes after Ray.

GREG:

Ray, you're a dead man!

Greg rushes toward ray. Bobby stops him.

BOBBY:

Easy Greg. What's the problem?

GREG:

I'll tell you the problem!

Greg shows Bobby the picture of his penis. The words

written "I Know" written on it.

BOBBY:

Oh, wow! This is you? Oh f***!

Bobby starts to laugh uncontrollably.

GREG:

Hey, the shower was cold!

BRANDY:

Let me see.

Bobby passes her the picture.

Brandy starts laughing, passes it to Buffy, who passes it to

Ray and Shorty who burst into

laughter.

BRANDY (CONT'D)

My God, how do you even give him head?

BUFFY:

I don't. I just use it to pick my

teeth.

GREG:

My nuts are big, they just make my

dick look small.

They all laugh. Greg realizes what he's started.

The photo keeps changing hands. Everyone laughing.

TWO CHINESE GUYS are looking at the photo.

CHINESE GUY:

Now that's a little dick.

GREG:

It's a Polaroid! There's no dimension!

A LITTLE PERSON gets a look, cracks up, tosses it, it lands

in a baby carriage.

LITTLE BABY laughing at photo tosses it.

TWO MICE look at photo, laughing.

Back to Greg.

GREG (CONT'D)

All of you can go to hell!

CINDY:

Greg, you're not the only one

who got one.

GREG:

Bobby's got a baby dick too?

CINDY:

No, I was talking about the note.

I got one too.

Everyone stops laughing. Cindy shows them the note.

CINDY (CONT'D)

Somebody knows.

GREG:

Bullshit. Somebody's just trying

to f*** with us.

CINDY:

I think we should go to the police.

Greg grabs Cindy around the throat.

GREG:

You talk and I'll kill you myself.

BOBBY:

Greg, chill, you're hurting her.

Greg lets go.

SHORTY:

Somebody want to tell me what that

was all about?

CINDY:

Forget it, Shorty. You've already

heard too much.

Bell rings. Everyone walks off, leaving Shorty standing

confused.

INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE ' NIGHT

Sign reads "Miss Teen Beauty Pageant"

M.C. on stage introduces the contestants.

M.C.

And now for our finalists. Aren't

they beautiful, except for that motley

looking one? Hot damn, where's the

muzzle?

PAN ACROSS FIVE BEAUTY FACES AND ONE OLD HAG.

The old hag remains confident. Two of the pretty girls run

off stage, thinking the M.C. is

talking about them.

M.C. (CONT'D)

This is the swimsuit portion of the

show, giving our judges one final

look at the contestants.

First contestant, TANYA, her banner reads "Miss

Congeniality". She waves as she

parades across the stage.

Second contestant, black, with beaded braids, not only on

her head, but under her arms

and pubic hair as well. The banner reads "Miss Thang".

Third contestant is Buffy, she struts her stuff, her banner

reads "Miss Fellatio".

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