Scenic Route Page #4

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And Annie... her

name was Annie...

we have this whole dinner,

and you know what

we talked about?

College football.

Mm. College football.

No car insurance, no day care,

no gossip about other

parents I don't even know.

Just simple, effortless conversation.

I've never...

The first one that I've

had in a long time.

Scale of 1 to 10?

Plus the fact that she was 21,

makes her, like, an

eleventy-zillion.

Hello.

Don't get me wrong.

Joanne is very attractive.

And this is gonna

sound shallow, but...

pregnancy is bad for a body.

You know, sometimes

I'll catch myself

staring at her

thighs or belly,

and I'll be like...

whatever happened to the

woman I married, you know?

You do realize you're the

one who made her like that.

I know. That's why I feel like

an a**hole even saying this.

I feel like an a**hole

even thinking it.

And don't get me wrong.

Cole is the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

It's just he's the worst thing

that ever happened

to our sex life.

I used to look at Joanne

and just want to jump her,

but now I look at

her, and sometimes...

And this is embarrassing,

but sometimes

I have trouble...

getting ready for her.

And Annie?

I could be ready just

thinking about her.

I was ready when

she asked my name.

I guess when you get married,

you're supposed to say

that the relationship

goes beyond tight thighs

and a skinny waist

and that, when all that goes,

the rest of it

will sustain you.

Well, it just isn't

phrased that way.

But if... if it was, would

you still have married her?

Yeah, of course, but...

you just don't realize how

much you'll miss things,

you know, little

things, like kissing.

Y- You don't kiss

Joanne anymore?

Yeah, we kiss all the time,

but it's habit. It's

like a handshake.

You don't even think about it.

But when Annie kissed me...

f***.

It was like the hairs on the

back of my neck stood up.

It's hard to say, but there's more

in that first kiss with someone new

than there is in the whole

shebang after four years.

That's how everything was.

It was just exciting,

you know, touching her,

taking her clothes off

for the first time.

And then the... the rest of the weekend at...

at the conference,

I'd be sitting in

some stupid speech,

and all I could think about

was those tiny, little legs

and those little

black panties,

and I just... I felt like I

was going f***ing crazy.

So then, at lunch,

I found her...

and we blew off the

rest of the conference,

just blew it off.

Did it four times on Sunday...

once an hour before we

went to the airport.

Now, you have to understand,

if Joanne and I do it

four times a month,

it's a f***ing miracle.

But it's like I knew that it

was gonna disappear forever,

and I just... I

couldn't get enough.

And did it disappear forever?

Yeah, we email

sometimes, but...

nothing serious.

But everytime I see her

name in my in-box,

it's like my heart

doubles up, man.

Are you gonna see her again?

Why? That would just

ruin it, you know?

Everything I felt for Annie,

I used to feel for Joanne.

So, what, I just run off with this

gorgeous little football fan. Then what?

Next thing you know, talking to

Annie is like talking to Joanne,

kissing Annie is like kissing Joanne.

It's...

That's just what

marriage does.

You asked if I ever mention

the music to Joanne.

Well, I have.

Hmm. I do.

It's like clockwork.

Every couple of

months, I'll wake up,

freaked out that my

life is meaningless.

She'll try on some

clothes, have a breakdown,

swear she's gonna lose 20

pounds, swears off food.

I swear that I'm gonna turn

in my tie for a guitar strap.

We both say, "Good for you, honey.

I'm with you,"

not believing a single f***ing

word the other person's saying.

That's the problem with marriage.

You...

You can't do it without

learning to lie

to the one person you're

supposed to trust.

Can I ask you something?

What?

And I don't... I don't

mean to upset you.

Um...

if it's so bad, why

don't you get out?

Let me see your keys.

I told you, I tried

a million times.

Just... Just let me see 'em.

It's not gonna work, brother.

That's it?

Two keys?

Yeah, why?

Jesus. Yeah.

It's like you

mugged a locksmith.

Yeah, I know. It's, uh...

Okay, there's my...

my house keys.

I got my gym locker.

I've got my toolshed.

I've got my boat keys.

I don't know what the

hell that one's for...

Jesus. Or that one.

I mean, it's like... You

know when people say

they're gonna put down roots?

Well, that's what

it looks like.

Sh*t.

You know what I always wanted?

What?

Mohawk, f***ing Mohawk,

just like that dude from...

from "Taxi Driver."

Travis Bickle? The nutcase?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

But I could never do it.

Why not?

Well, because my parents

would have killed me.

Then when I got to

college, I was working.

Then I was working as soon

as I got out of college.

Then of course I got married

and had a kid, so...

So?

So you don't see many

responsible parents

or functioning members

of society with Mohawks.

So?

So forget about doing

something crazy

and life-altering

like quitting my job

or leaving my wife.

I can't even get a

haircut anymore

without thinking

about the keys,

and the keys, they

don't like Mohawks.

Well, how long do you have to

listen to the keys exactly?

U- Until you retire? Until

Cole goes to college?

Oh, I'll probably

be bald by then.

Exactly.

You know, I used to have

something on my key chain,

but it kept falling off.

Do you know what this is?

This is a multi-tool.

And do you know what

one of the tools is?

Shing.

Mohawk?

Dude, put away the multi-tool.

It's not happening.

Why not?

Because I just told you

two pounds of why.

So what, man? Nobody's here.

We're freezing our asses off

in the middle of the desert.

There's not a

soul to stop you.

Whoa. Mohawk!

It's not something that I

think Cole needs to see,

is his old man with a Mohawk.

So what? You'll...

Man, you'll...

you'll prove to him that... That

it's good to be your own man.

What about Joanne?

Joanne's probably as bored

with you as you are of her.

You're probably one Mohawk away

from f***ing like rabbits.

Okay, well...

Mohawk! Mo...

Come on. Just say

f*** it, man.

F*** it. F*** the keys.

Do it for you.

Oh, God, you don't...

You're pulling on it.

Just re... Just relax.

Don't be a p*ssy.

There we go.

Whee.

That's looking good, man.

Here we go.

Ow!

Yeah, that's gonna

leave a Mark.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Is it straight?

It's fairly straight.

Yeah? Does it look

like Travis Bickle?

Heh. You look pretty crazy.

What do you think? Oh, no.

Do you love it?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I'll give you 100 bucks

if you let me come to

work with you on Monday.

You don't have $100.

I know! I'll sell something.

You gonna sell a book?

Something of value,

like my kidney, maybe. God.

Oh, my God. This look is

never gonna make it to work.

Oh, come on, man. This is

new Mitch coming through.

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