School for Scoundrels Page #6

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is a game.

I don't know.

You know, ever since I started

taking this class,

things have been

going pretty well.

It's like Dr. P says-

I want the tit.

It's true, we all do.

I've got two chicks back at

my place who think I'm Moby.

Not to mention, Dr. P

is one of the smartest

people in the world.

I mean, if he wants

to go out with Amanda,

maybe it's for the best.

What are you

talking about?

You don't really have a lot

of choices, do you, Rog?

I'm just gonna tell her.

What are you

going to tell her?

Everything-

I'm gonna tell her

who he is, tell her

about the class...

The class is

top secret, Roger.

You know that.

Besides, Lesher

might rape you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, wait.

Wait, what are you

talking about, Eli?

Why would you

even say

something like that, Eli?

It's just an idea

of something bad

that might happen.

Look, you guys don't get it.

I don't want

him near her.

This isn't even

about me anymore.

- What was that about, huh?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Why would you even

bring that up? -I'm sorry.

Use your brain.

I s-slipped up.

Not cool, dude.

Okay. As far as I'm concerned,

this meeting never happened.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

- Great.

- Okay.

I knew he was

a psycho from day one.

You know, because I get

a sense from people,

and he had an energy

that was just,

it was so...

like, loser-ish.

OFFICER:

Yeah.

Is there any other

sense you got?

Wow, this guy is a

piece of work, huh?

Yeah, I found this

on my nightstand.

This is creepy.

I've got to tell you,

there's no doubt in my mind

you will be murdered.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Hey, partner.

Check it out.

Excuse me.

Here you go-

one chamomile tea.

Thanks, Dennis.

Don't worry-

everything's going to be okay.

I'm here.

I know.

OFFICER:
I just have

a few more questions.

Is anything missing?

Yeah.

Kind of

embarrassing, but...

all of my

underwear is gone.

Oh.

Well, first of all,

don't be embarrassed.

It happens.

Uh, secondly, um...

can you, uh,

describe them for me?

Um... you know,

were they thongs,

Dutch cuts, full backs...?

Is that really necessary?

I could describe mine.

Um, oh, wait, I

don't wear any.

What's going on?

Just keep your hands

where I can see them, sir.

Wait, what happened?

What are you guys

doing here?

They're policemen.

What do you think

- they're doing here?

- What?

Come on, Roger, we

know you broke in.

- Look at this.

- Wait, hold on.

I know these guys.

They're not cops.

- All right, buddy, come on.

- Ow!

What are you doing?

Ernie?

ERNIE:

Just try to stay calm, sir.

Look, I did not do this.

I would never do this.

You know that.

I was weak, all right?

I wasn't happy with who I was,

so I took a class...

from him.

From Dennis?!

His name's not Dennis,

it's Dr. P.

Textbook paranoid behavior.

I've seen it a million times.

You guys, come on, tell her.

Dewey, it's okay, baby.

Go back to your

room, honey.

Oh, he's probably scared.

Dewey?

Oh, my God.

Sweetheart, what did

they do to you?

Okay, who the hell

painted the goddamn dog?

- Pretty awesome, right?

- No, not awesome.

- Jesus f***ing Christ.

Do you have any idea

- what this dog's been through?

- Amanda, I didn't do that!

Let's go, buddy.

No, I'm not going!

Oh, my God.

- All right, calm down.

- Easy.

- Nice and easy, sir.

- Come on down.

- I got you.

- Stay back.

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Okay, I got him!

I got him!

Oh!

Hey, Roger, uh, what do you

think of the uniforms?

Pretty authentic, huh?

I thought you guys

were my friends.

Whatever, man.

I guess we all

can't be lions.

Yeah, at this point, uh,

I'd say you're

more like a...

like an emu.

Good one, Ernie- emu.

Hey, uh, hey, emu,

check it out.

Ow!

This stuff is awesome.

Ah!

God!

Ow!

ERNIE:
Goddamn it!

Ow!

Today's lesson

is dressing the part.

Right now, you look

like a bunch of idiots,

but we're going to fix that.

This is called hair gel.

Learn how to use it.

Another thing-

from now on, we wear sunglasses.

Whether it's day or night,

inside or out,

no one ever sees your eyes.

A little mystery

never hurt anybody.

Yes, Eli?

Um, how, uh, come

you don't wear sunglasses?

Because I'm not you.

Excuse me, sir.

We have a little bit

of a situation outside.

Hey!

What are you doing?!

Good evening, gentlemen.

You got to be

shitting me.

My name's Roger Waddell.

And I'm exercising my authority

per statue 8-12...

Why don't you

shut the hell up

and unhook my goddamn car!

I can't.

You see, my chalk stick

confirmed a three-inch intrusion

into the traffic lane.

And then there's the matter

of four unpaid priors.

You are so dead.

Which brings us

to the broken headlight.

Scuffed headlight.

So...

unpaid tickets,

towing and storage.

And that comes to

a grand total of

$1,663.00.

You have ten days to pay it.

I'm everywhere now.

I'm like the wind.

Ow!

"Dear Sergeant Morehead,

"I have tried

to hold back my feelings,

"but I can't go on like this.

"I am in love with you.

"And it's clear

you feel the same way.

"We need to figure out

a way to be together.

"Without you,

I'm like an empty vase

waiting for my Spanish rose. "

Sergeant, I swear...

Roger, this happens to be one

of the most beautiful letters

I have ever read.

But I'm not that way.

I didn't write

the letter.

Please. You signed it,

it has your

return address on it,

and you sealed it

with a unicorn.

Sergeant, can't you see?

I'm being set up.

That would be quite an elaborate

setup, don't you think?

No, not really.

All you need is a stamp

and a unicorn sticker.

Look, Roger,

I'm flattered, really I am.

But the department has

some pretty strict rules

on sexual harassment.

I'm going to have to let you go.

You're not listening!

I didn't write

the letter!

I'm sorry.

After you empty your locker,

you can turn your uniform

and your sneakers in to Manny.

You know what?

You can have

the uniform.

But I'm keeping the sneakers.

Yeah! That's what

I thought, man!

That's what I thought.

What?

Go back to work!

- Right, Monty?

- Right.

Right, Monty?

Whatever.

Thanks for meeting me.

I come here a lot.

It's quiet-

helps me think.

I lost my job

yesterday.

Yeah, sorry about that.

It was a sh*t job anyway.

But, hey, I got good news.

I'm offering you a truce.

Seriously, Roger.

I mean, enough is enough.

Fine.

Just... leave

Amanda alone,

and you'll never

see me again.

Well, here's the thing:

it's not that easy.

Normally, I'm not

the type of guy

who falls in love with a chick.

It's not what I do.

But with Amanda,

something just clicked.

You barely

even know her!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

take it down.

Act like a man,

will you?

Sorry, buddy, but, uh,

I got to see

where this thing takes me.

Here.

What is this?

It's a refund.

It's half your tuition.

Why half?

Well, you did learn something.

Hell, you even kissed my girl.

I don't want

your money.

Just trying to be

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