Schtonk! Page #6

Dear Lieutenant General, Dear Professor,

Our editorship is reporting for duty

if I may say so.

It's a big honor, Gentlemen,

to finally be opening the eyes of the German

people and the rest of the world.

We are fully aware, Lieutenant Colonel,

.. I mean Lieutenant General.

..and to be saying loudly and clearly, that

there was a human heart in

the Fuehrer's chest, as well.

And what a heart!

One, two, one, two.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

tonight we're celebrating with our host,

our dear old friend Hermann,

his 30 year anniversary in the business.

How he's achieved all of this with such bravery,

such success,

and never-ending commitment,

will now be told by my little song.

That's how I paid for college.

(Hermann, you're a man who walks his path by himself)

(Hermann, you look ahead, even if fate says 'no')

(Hermann, you've got heart,

you're no stranger to pain)

(just a single joke and you take courage again)

(You can't be stopped,

you're boldly reaching for the stars)

(You'll chase happiness near and far)

(You've got a nose for the big hit)

(Mao Zedong, Lumumba, and Kongo-Mller)

(Hermann, Hermann Willi, with acute accent)

(You're the best nose aboard this ship)

(Hermann, Hermann Willi, with acute accent)

(You're the best nose aboard this ship)

(Hermann, Hermann Willi, with acute accent)

(You're the best nose aboard this ship)

(Hermann, Hermann Willi, with acute accent)

(You're the best nose aboard this ship)

You look all messed up.

That's your passion, Hermann.

Oh, really?

Can't you at least put makeup on

before you come to breakfast?

At your age.

You look all wrinkly.

Orange marmalade. Again!

You b*tch!

I'm leaving now. Forever.

Well,

Don't speak. Whatever you're about to say is a lie.

You think you're on the way up now.

And there's no more room for

people who knew you before.

I get it.

And I get that you want

your triumph all to yourself.

Hope you'll get there. Hermann. Adieu.

Adieu.

Into the trash? You're throwing out my paper?

This perfectly terrible East German paper?

You throw out this precious

old paper like it was junk!

Every single night for over a year

now I sit at this goddamn table

in front of these damn journals

until I want to puke.

57 volumes of Adolf, written by Hand,

Biggi, you know what that means?

I don't know who I am anymore.

That I believe.

I know his handwriting better than my own.

I've lost my own.

I've put in superhuman efforts, Biggi.

And I will shortly have created

the world's biggest work of forgery.

And the two of you..?

We're cleaning up.

It was about time.

You are destroying my means of production!

I have very lucrative orders!

Hitler's book on women.

Hitler's novel on Ludwig II.

Hitler on Blondie, the German

shepherd through the millenia

and my opera, Biggi

Opera? You're a composer, too?

Nonsense, shut up you stupid cow.

Biggi, I want to write my opera.

Fritz, get that thought out of your head.

Oh, Biggi, what a smash hit that would be!

Wayland, the Smith. A comedic opera

by Adolf Knobel, I mean, Hitler.

Conducted by Leni v. Riefenstahl.

Conducted by Karajan, premieres in Bayreuth.

That would be.....

That would be a cultural world sensation!

Biggi, and you and me...

and me?

Yes, you too. The three of us

are sitting in the first row.

You'll be sitting in jail, not in the first row.

What do you think, heads are going to roll

when Hitler's secret diaries are published

the whole world will be watching

very closely.

It'll cause such a bang that

we'll better take cover far, far away.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Ladies and Gentlemen, dear colleagues,

I am happy about the turnout.

I am opening our press conference

Welcoming journalists from 87 nations

as well as 24 foreign TV stations.

From this day on,

vast parts of German history need to be rewritten.

Just between us two, this is an F, not an A, right?

And he surely wasn't called Ferdinand.

Of course not.

So what does FH stand for?

Something's rotten, Lieutenant General.

A forgery, Lieutenant General.

Didn't you know?

(Do I dream? Am I awake? Do I cry? Do I laugh?

today I don't know what I'm doing)

(Where I stand and walk people are smiling at me)

(Today fairy tales come true and I realize..)

(This will only happen once and won't come again)

(It's too good to be true)

(Like a miracle it's shining down on us)

(A golden light from paradise)

(This will only happen once and won't come again)

(It might only be a dream)

(This only comes around once in a lifetime)

(It might be over tomorrow)

(This only comes around once in a lifetime)

(There's only one May each spring)

(This will only happen once and won't come again)

(It's too good to be true)

(Like a miracle it's shining down on us)

(A golden light from paradise)

(...)

Hermann, Hermann

Here's the newest expertise

from the Federal Criminal Agency.

Another one? Great, leave it with the others

and grab a bottle of champagne.

Hermann!

The Hitler diaries were certainly

produced after the war.

The tacking threads and glue used

had not yet been available during the Third Reich.

With regards to content

it's a superficial product

of a forger of limited intellectual capacity.

Passports, please.

The Count

The Countess

Your highness.

There you go.

Safe travels.

Hermann, if you say the words 'big hit'

one more time, I'll punch you in the face.

Don't you realize? If the diaries are in Hitler's handwriting...

..and we have three expertises that prove that...

..but the paper was produced after the war...

..that can only mean...

..that you cheated us out of 9 million DM.

For bad breath and gas.

Unsavory smut.

Tasteless.

Disgusting.

No, no, no.

That can only mean that Adolf Fuehrer

must have written his diaries

after his death.

And since the dead can't write

that can only mean that

he lives.

Who's alive?

Adolf Hitler.

He's alive.

That's the hit of the millennium.

he..

he lives...

Yeah, right.

Yes, yes.

He lives.

I'll prove it to you.

I'll look for him.

and I'll find him

and when I've found him

I'll bring him right here

to Hamburg.

Hamburg is Germany's leading press city.

You've gotten me into

hot water, Gentlemen.

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