Schtonk! Page #5

What cheek!

This is beyond belief.

What?

Why does nobody show this to us?

Oh, I see.

Why? We are showing it to you right now.

Why are we finding out now.

Why is the editorship being left out?

Who's leaving you out we are

putting all our cards on the table.

We're just asking you if you would be interested

in publishing Hitler's secret diaries.

Pardon me Mr. Willi but that's not the point.

Hitler's secret diaries would be a hit.

Globally.

Oh, really, you think?

It's beyond comprehension, indeed. I mean

This discovery is so unusual and astounding...

...knowing Mr. Willi I have only one question:

Which one?

Are they real?

Great question, Uwe.

What do you mean, 'real'?

I don't get it.

Yes, no, I mean, me neither.

That maybe, but this first letter

here looks like an 'F' to me.

And his name was hardly Fritze Hitler.

That's an F? ... FH?

That's an 'A', not an 'F'.

No, it's clearly an....'F'...'FH'.

Fuehrer Hitler.

That's it, "Fuehrer Hitler".

Nonsense, Fuehrer Hitler...

Maybe 'Flags high", Uwe.

Nonsense.

Fuehrer...Fuehrer

Fuehrer Hail

Fuehrer's Hound

Fuehrer's dog?

Fuehrer's Hand?

Fuehrer's ...

Head...quarters. Fhrerhauptquartier!

Fuehrer Headquarters

February 6th, 1943

Last weeks tension took a

toll on my health.

I have caught a cold from

driving with the roof down.

I have a temperature of 39.5C.

I have to interrupt my work repeatedly

Even the most simple tasks

are causing me great difficulties.

I am using up a huge amount of these

convenient new paper tissues.

I am constantly shaken by

violent sneezing spells.

I'm taking lots of medications.

I feel very groggy.

I have strong headaches..

..sometimes it's so bad that

I have a constant ringing in my ears.

It rings, and rings, and rings, and rings.

What do you look like?

What do you mean?

I look bad.

Last weeks tensions took a

toll on my health.

I have caught a cold from

driving in a convertible.

Here, I have a temperature of 39.5C

Fritz, we need to get an expertise.

What kind of expertises?

The editorship wants expertises by independent experts

which prove beyond any doubt that

the author is Adolf Hitler and nobody else.

I think that is....

I find that..., eh...

That's a great idea, Hermann.

Not a problem.

We'll do a handwriting analysis.

Handwriting analysis?

Yes, you take the original diary in

the Fuehrer's original handwriting,

and compare it to another original writing

done by the original Fuehrer

also in the same original handwriting.

And then you can compare one

original with the other.

And where can I get such an

original writing by the Fuehrer?

From the Fuehrer, I mean from me,

from those metal boxes.

I'll have to look if I still

have something by the Fuehrer.

Cognac?

The bottle is in the bunker.

In the name of the German people

I order Prof. Dr. Ing. hc. Ferdinand Porsche

to invent a novel 4-cylinder motor vehicle

with an air-cooled standard engine

priced like a midsize motorbike

low-maintenance, sturdy, with low fuel consumption.

a car for the entire German people

A true Volkswagen. Signed, Adolf Hitler.

Oh dear, he has invented the beetle.

Yes, and it still runs.

40.5C.

I hope he doesn't die.

He's never had a fever this high with me.

Not with me, either.

How can the doctor say he's fine

when he's burning up.

His hear is beating as if it might

tear him apart any minute.

Say something, Fritz.

Fritzken, tell us what's wrong.

F...f....fear.

You don't need to be afraid any more.

Martha and I had a talk.

Woman to woman.

We get along very well now.

It keeps getting better and better

Can you keep a secret, father?

What?

Do you know the Corinthians?

Yes, I, Paul,...

Do you know the Corinthians?

Yes, I, Paul,...

etc., etc., yes, yes,...

Now imagine you were suspecting

that these epistles were forgeries.

What?

Not General Paul, I mean the Apostle Paul was the author

but a sleazy, little, ......

militaria dealer from Jerusalem.

But why?

Maybe for 20000 silver pieces.

Per epistle.

From whom?

From some big paper. Jerusalem magazine or something.

You're in feverish delirium.

No, no, no, father,... imagine you suspected

that somebody screwed you over.

Wouldn't you have to go to your boss?

And tell the holy father that this

Corinthian thing smells,

we shouldn't publish them.

Prof. Dr. Jggi from Zurich

was able to verify beyond reasonable doubt

that the documents presented come from

the same author, Adolf Hitler.

Slower and more clearly, please.

Steward Rosenzweig, New York City:

After extensive analysis of the handwriting...

and comparison with the different

documents provided by you

..I have come to the conclusion

that Hitler wrote all of them.

Prof. Dr. Siegfried Kessel, London.... I recognize

a handwriting very familiar to me....

..that of our Fuehrer Adolf Hitler.

One is neutral, one's a Jew, one's an old Nazi.

You can hardly ask for more.

What's up Hermann,

aren't you happy?

I never doubted it for a second.

Exactly.

Yes.

Hermann

(my ideal in this world is a hero,

a tall, blonde man)

(he comes from a fairyland and gives me his big

strong hand which could rip me apart)

(that's what my dream man looks like

his name is Ralf or Peer)

(my reality looks very different though, won't you listen to this)

(he's called Waldemar and he has black hair)

(he's neither proud nor bold but I love him)

(he's called Waldemar, he won't be a star)

(his home is Berlin, but I love him)

(the boy is the opposite of my ideal)

(I don't understand myself but I don't care)

(he's called Waldemar, he has little money)

(I'll never get an ermine but I love him)

Fritz! Fritzken! Seriously.

Are you also trade east to west?

East to west?

yes, no, Miss Martha is a close

confidante of my husband.

His..

secretary

private secretary.

my husband's business has grown so much

Oh really?

Yes, he's expanding every day.

He's bubbling over with ideas.

Can you see this small white dust?

That her.

Eva?

Yes, Eva.

and the bigger, grayish brown, coarser particles, that's him.

Adolf?

Yes.

Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.

Forever and ever.

united in death

Mixed. Can't be told apart by a layman.

How much would you want for it?

Well, this is priceless, really.

If at all, I'll only sell the bundle.

What bundle?

Imagine what has come to light!

What?

I've just heard from a trustworthy source in Potsdam.

The Fuehrer didn't write 30 diaries, he wrote 60!

60? Fritz! That would be...

expensive, Hermann. Expensive.

40k per volume won't be enough.

And there's lots more.

Secret documents, paintings,

all very secret.

Fritz, give me a spoon full.

Please.

Just a single one.

No, Hermann, I can't just

tear the two apart like that.

Then give me two.

Dear colleagues, I am happy

you made it after all.

Dear Uwe, dear Kurt.

It's our pleasure.

Yes, indeed, Hermann.

Dear colleagues, let me introduce you to

Lieutenant General von Klantz from the SS

and Mr. Strasser, the Fuehrer's art expert.

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