Scott Pilgrim vs. the World Page #3

I forgot you guys

don't have that in Canada.

You don't

remember me, do you?

We met at the party

the other day.

Were you the Pac-Man guy?

No.

Not even.

That was some total ass.

I was the other guy.

You know, you need to sign

for this, whatever this is.

But if I sign for it,

you'll leave.

Yeah, it's how it works.

Okay, well, maybe,

do you wanna hang out sometime?

Get to know each other?

You're the new kid

on the block, right?

I've lived here forever, so there are

reasons for you to hang out with me.

You want me to

hang out with you?

Yeah, if that's cool.

If I say yes, will you sign

for your damn package?

So, yeah, 8:
00?

Why are you just

standing there?

Dude, I'm totally

waiting on you.

I'm sorry, I just assumed you

were too cool to be here on time.

Oh, you assumed wrong.

So, how did you

end up in Toronto?

Just needed

to escape, I guess.

Yeah.

I got this job here,

and Gideon had always said

Toronto was one of

the great cities, so...

Is Gideon your boyfriend?

He's a friend.

Was he your boyfriend?

Do you mind if I don't

get into that right now?

It's so not

interesting to me.

So, what about you?

What do you do?

I'm in between jobs

at the moment.

Between what and what?

Well, my last job was a

long story filled with sighs.

I know plenty of those.

Is that why you

left New York?

Pretty much.

It was just time to head

somewhere a little more chilled.

Well, it's certainly

chilled here.

Yeah.

It's chilled, as in cold.

Yeah.

This is ridiculous.

Isn't it, like, April?

I know.

I can barely see you.

This whole thing is

an unmitigated disaster.

I think act of God is a pretty

decent excuse for a lousy date.

So this is a date, eh?

Did I say date?

Slip of the tongue.

Tongue.

Anyway,

night's not over yet.

I think there's a thingy

over here, somewhere.

A thingy?

A door.

Come on.

What kind of tea

do you want?

There's more

than one kind?

We have blueberry, raspberry,

ginseng, Sleepytime,

green tea,

green tea with lemon,

green tea with lemon and

honey, liver disaster,

ginger with honey,

ginger without honey,

vanilla-almond, white

truffle, blueberry-chamomile,

vanilla-walnut,

Constant Comment

and Earl Grey.

Did you make

some of those up?

I think I'll have

Sleepytime.

That sounds good to me.

Let me get you a blanket.

That would

actually be awesome.

Dude, I'm changing.

Sorry. I'm just cold.

Here, does that help?

Yeah, that's very warm.

What is that?

Okay.

Were you just gonna bring

the blanket from your bed?

I guess.

Maybe we should both get

under it, since we're so cold.

What about our tea?

I can

not have tea.

I changed my mind.

Changed it to what?

From what?

I don't wanna have sex with

you, Pilgrim. Not right now.

Okay.

It's not like I'm gonna send you

home in a snowstorm or anything.

You can sleep in my bed.

And I reserve the right to change

my mind about the sex later.

Well, this is nice.

Just this.

It's been, like,

a really long time,

so I think I needed this,

whatever it is,

so thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, so, can this

not be a one-night stand?

For one thing, I didn't even

get any. That was a joke.

What did you

have in mind?

Come to the first round of

this Battle of the Bands thing.

You have a band?

Yeah, we're terrible.

Please, come?

Sure.

Oh! Wait. Can I get

your number?

Wow. Girl number.

See you at the show,

Scott Pilgrim.

Hey, it's tonight. At the...

Hey. You totally came.

Yes. I did totally come.

Please excuse my brother.

He is chronically enfeebled.

I'm Stacey.

Hey.

This is Wallace, his roommate. Hey.

This is my boyfriend, Jimmy.

Hey.

Oh, and this is Knives.

Hey!

Hey!

So, do you like?

Well, I...

Have to go.

Okay, this next band

is from Brampton,

and they are

Crash and the Boys.

God! This is a nightmare.

Is this a nightmare?

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

Once we're on stage,

you'll be fine.

We were just on stage for sound

check, and the sound guy hated us.

It's just nerves.

Pre-show jitters.

People love us, right?

Oh, man, this is bad.

This is so, so bad.

Hey, Jimmy,

do they rock or suck?

They have not

started playing yet.

That was a test, Jimmy.

One, two.

You passed.

Okay.

Good evening.

My name is Crash.

These are the Boys.

Is that girl a boy, too?

Yes.

They have a girl drummer?

This song is called I Am So

Sad, I Am So Very Very Sad.

Goes a little

something like this.

So sad!

Thank you.

It's not a race, guys.

All right, this next song

goes out to the guy

who keeps yelling

from the balcony.

It's called

We Hate You, Please Die.

Sweet. Love this one.

I can feel ya, I can hear ya...

Thank you.

So, how do you know Scott?

He's a friend.

It's hard for me

to keep track sometimes,

because he has

so many friends.

Knives,

how did you meet Scott?

Well...

Oh, no.

This is a nightmare.

We need to play

now and loud.

Okay.

So, I was on the bus

with my mom...

Is that seriously

the end of the story?

Oh, my gosh!

Okay.

They're on!

This next band

is from Toronto.

And, yeah.

Give it up for Sex Bob-Omb.

I heart you,

Sex Bob-Omb!

Scott, are you ready?

Okay. Kim? Are you...

We are Sex Bob-Omb!

One, two, three, four!

I'll take you for a ride

On my garbage truck

Oh, no

I'll take you to the dump

'Cause you're my queen

I'll take you uptown

I'll show you the sites

You know you wanna ride

On my garbage truck

Truck, truck, truck

We'll pass the mansions by

Drive right through

the needle's eye

Oh, my

Oh, no... My...

My, my, my, my

I've got a stereo

You've just got

to turn the knob

And maybe we'll go

As far as we can

I'll be your garbage man

I'll take out your junk

And I'll crush it...

Mr. Pilgrim.

It is I, Matthew Patel.

Consider our fight begun.

What did I do?

What do I do?

Fight!

All right.

All right.

Watch out!

It's that one guy.

Well, well, well,

you're quite the opponent,

Pilgrim.

Who the hell

are you, anyway?

My name is Matthew Patel!

And I'm Ramona's

first evil ex-boyfriend.

Her what?

Anyone need another drink?

Wait. We're fighting

over Ramona?

Didn't you get my e-mail

explaining the situation?

I skimmed it.

Mmm-mmm.

You will pay for

your insolence!

Hey, what's up

with his outfit?

Yeah, is he a pirate?

Are you a pirate?

Pirates are in this year.

You really went out

with this guy?

Yeah.

In the seventh grade.

And?

It was football season

and for some reason,

all the little jocks

wanted me.

Matthew was the only

non-white, non-jock boy in town.

So, the two of us joined

forces and we took 'em all down.

We brawled and scrapped

and fought for hours.

Nothing could beat

Matthew's mystical powers.

We only kissed once.

After a week and a half,

I told him to hit the showers.

Dude, wait.

Mystical powers?

You'll pay for this, Flowers.

If you want to fight me

What?

Ha! You're not the brightest

You won't know what

hit you in the slightest

This guy's good.

Me and my fireballs

My Demon Hipster Chicks

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