Screwed Page #2

with some scroat on a dirty protest.

On what?

A sh*t-up.

Dulux of the arse.

Nice!

SAM:
How long you done then?

EDDIE:
Only 10 years.

Right, come on then,

you do that side of the landing,

I'll do this one.

What, on me own?

Aye. And I'm throwing you

in the deep end.

First door's some f***ing nutjob

called Bear,

who's just been transferred down

from Wakefield.

Bear?

Real name's Justin de Souza.

Don't worry, I'll keep an eye on you.

Morning, guv,

don't look very nice out there today.

Does it?

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAuGHING)

What?

SAM:
I didn't think there'd be

so many of them.

EDDIE:
I know.

EDDIE:
Just 10 of us looking after

over 350 cons.

Not just council tax dodgers.

The lot come in here.

There's probably about half a dozen

Cat A prisoners on the wing

at this moment.

It's a f***ing tinderbox

-Come on.

-You f***ing little c*nt.

Did Keenan give you his usual

welcome ceremony

about it being his wing?

Yeah!

It's f***ing bollocks, that!

The scroats run the wing,

we're just the visitors.

(LAuGHING)

How you doing, mate?

STEADMAN:
F***ing hell, how are you?

It's good to see ya.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you, and you.

So, best spread ourselves out a bit, eh?

So let me introduce you

to my man on the wing.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

STEADMAN:
Listen I got a lad

whose just come off my old manor.

Who, this one here?

STEADMAN:
Yeah, this lad here.

Can I bring him up?

TRUMAN:
Yeah bring him up, man.

VVhat's happening, man, you good?

STEADMAN:
This is C,

this is my mate Baz.

Yeah, nice one. This is Jacko.

DEL:
Hello, mate.

How are you doing? All right?

TRUMAN:
Yeah, look at this c*nt now.

F***ing hell, he's new.

TRUMAN:
Yeah, f***ing ex-squaddie look.

STEADMAN:
Yeah, gotta be.

Brand new, isn't he?

Needs to have the shine taken off him.

He is f***ing shuck, bruv, shuck!

STEADMAN:
Yeah, I can hear his ass

squeaking from here.

DEANO:
Jamie.

I'll get them in.

(ALARM BuzzlNG)

DEANO:
Jamie, come on, liven them up!

JAMIE:
Come on, lads.

I don't want to be out here all day.

DEANO:
Come on, in your cells.

Oi, bang up!

INNIATE:
Bang up.

SMITHY:
Listen, mate, I got more

two minutes, I got to make a phone call.

Listen, I'll be with you in a second.

-No, mate, don't, don't!

-I will be with you in a second.

No, f***.

Right, what's up?

Oh, guv, it takes the piss, guv

I've been in the f***ing cell

for 20 f***ing hours, right?

I go outside, had a bit

of f***ing exercise,

now I'm f***ing back behind the door.

All's I need is a phone call.

Whats the matter with ya?

EDDIE:
Bang up!

I am, guv. Why do you think

I'm standing here for?

JAMIE:
Are you all right?

F***'s sake, yes, sir.

I gotta make a call,

my family don't even know I'm banged up.

-What's your name?

-Panos, guv

I'm going to have

a problem with you, Panos?

Bang up!

I'm not going f***ing anywhere.

Look, just calm down, I promise you.

We'll sort it, as soon as

I have association,

you'll be my first port of call.

-Please, guv

-No please, just get in your cell!

Please, Sir.

Do as you're told,

you little f***ing scroat!

What the f*** are you doing?

F***'s sake, man.

(sn/llTl-lY GRuNTING)

SMITHY:
Come on, come on.

JAMIE:
You f***!

(GRuNTING)

(GRoANING)

Oh, f***. Hit the alarm!

(ALARM RINGING)

SAM:
Out of the f***ing way.

DEANO:
Move your f***ing sloppy bollocks

away from me.

OFFICER:
Calm down, calm down.

SAM:
What do want me to do?

DEANO:
Right, bring his Knees up.

Let's get him up.

JAMIE:
F***ing hell.

MAN:
Heard you were in the forces?

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Right, I'm popping off.

Yeah, popping out for a fag

and that'll be me too.

Cheers for today.

DEANO:
How do you think

he got the job on the wing?

Why do you think I insisted?

And you can shut up. That is so wrong.

-it's true, though.

-You are so out of order.

It's a complete fallacy,

men can multi task,

I can have a sh*t and read the paper.

(LAuGHING)

CHARLIE:
Yeah,

that's about the level of it, yeah,

go have a beer

and a fag at the same time.

DEANO:
Watch porn and have wank

CHARLIE:
Ah, seriously does it...

(LAuGHING)

You're f***ing filth.

Oh, come on,

get the beers in someone, mine's flat.

F***ing great when a punch

really connects, innit?

Oi, I'm talking to you.

Yeah, it's a bit different

when someone's ready for you, eh?

You what?

Listen, sunshine.

Let me tell you something

about working in the nick, all right?

Rule number one, and I don't give a f***

about what they tell you in training,

don't f*** about with other screws.

Is that clear?

Look, it's my first day.

I'm just learning the ropes.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Cheers, mate, I appreciate it.

You're all right.

F***ing!

(GRoANING)

DEANO:
What the f***

do you think you're doing?

(COUGHING)

Stand back from him!

Stand away from him!

You listening to me?

Out.

Told ya, didn't I?

You watch it.

(wHlsTLING)

Stand here and look out!

Happy days?

Yeah...

Let's get f***ing wankered!

-All right, boss?

-I'm good, thanks!

You'll soon realise that

the likes of you and me

we've got more in common

with some of the cons.

Eddie seems all right, though.

Eddie? Eddie's one of the best.

Don't know how to play the game.

(LAUGHS) Terry Titface.

The only way to do this job

is to cover your arse

or better still, surround yourself

with people who can cover it for you.

Understand? Go!

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

The screws are coming.

Hold them off. Hold them off.

Oi, Del?

Del...

All right, guv?

Del, get rid of that

f***ing thing, will ya?

Well, the thing is that

I really have to make this phone call.

Two seconds, Mateau,

or I bounce you down the block.

Move!

Follow my lead.

What?

Where did you get it from?

What?

DEANO:
You're trading with Souza, guv?

You're talking to me now,

not some mug.

Where is it and who did you get it from?

Before I get the hump.

No, no.

Honestly, I've got nothing on me.

Pull your pants down.

You stand there, Steadman

DEL; l have got nothing.

-DEANO:
Pull your pants down.

-No, you can't do that.

Oi, f*** off.

(GRoANING)

SAM:
Deano!

DEANO:
Hello, Comms,

this is Delta-three,

two prisoners under restraint, cell 27.

Please send in some staff

to relocate them to the seg, overt

COMMS:
That's heard, Delta-three.

STEADMAN:
Well, hey, new boy.

You got a good uppercut

You got a good uppercut, boy.

SAM:
Shut your f***ing mouth.

I'm coming back later

and you're going to tell me

where you got it from.

Cold turkey in the segs, Steadman,

I'll enjoy watching that.

STEADMAN:
Ah, I love you, Deano.

(LAuGHING)

Prisoners, get in your cell now.

Move!

Go easy on him?

That's my stash, not his.

DEANO:
Get that crackhead

out of my sight.

Shut your noises

or you'll fly down those stairs.

PRISON OFFICER:

Right, into your cells, now!

DEANO:
Start banging them up!

PRISON OFFICER:

You, into your cell now.

DEANO:
See you down the seg,

I'll put the kettle on.

SAM:
Come on, show's over!

DEANO:
Come on,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes