Search Engines Page #3

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Mm-hmm.

Alice Waters would be proud.

Listen, I am proud of this bird.

Look at this turkey.

Is that a good-looking

turkey? Huh? Handsome.

Cary Grant of turkeys.

I take you more for the,

uh, takeout turkey type.

Did you bring

the cranberry sauce?

Yes I did.

What, I can't compete

with Whole Foods.

Kate. What?

You said you were gonna

make cranberry sauce.

No, I didn't. I haven't

used my kitchen since Bush won.

No, you did, you said

you were gonna make it.

And I have the evidence right

here. And I quote I will

wrangle up the cranberry sauce.

Exactly. I wrangled up

the cranberry sauce. Come on,

you know I don't cook.

I wanted it to be homemade.

I wanted it to be

beautiful and perfect

Nobody eats it anyway.

It's just decoration.

Now give your sister

a hug, come on.

Oh no. Come On.

Hey look it, wish bones.

Yeah. Mine's bigger.

Mine has a diamond.

Well yeah, I guess it's

better that they take it out on me

than their wives.

Yeah, I've heard about

that in America. Yours is

a sort of brutish nation...

Sorry, can we hold

for a second. Jesse?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. So

nice to see you.

Nice to see you.

Oh. Uh, this is Shane.

He's a friend of your sister's.

He's uh-an artist from Britain.

Hey Jesse.

Nice to meet you,

how... uh, Britain.

Yeah.

Um, I, I love,

uh, I love BBC America

and also nationalized

healthcare.

Yeah, don't forget Big Ben.

What's going on here, in this,

looks like sex,

lies and videotapes.

Maybe two out of three.

Yeah if you have a loose

definition of videotape.

I'm actually interviewing

Americans about Thanksgiving.

Yeah, come sit with us.

Oh no, no. I'm,

I'm, I'm too shy.

What?

No, no, come on, I'll,

uh, I'll loosen you up.

I thought uh-stuffing was

just spiced, soggy bread.

No, it is, um, what is it called?

Aunt Marjoram's

fall bounty stuffing. It's from

Vintage Eats dot com.

Ooh. Vintage, one of

my favorite euphemisms.

Vintage.

Okay well if you don't

like that then I have the

uh, vegan tofu stuffing from

Lizzy Emerald's website.

Wow. Two novelty stuffings,

you're such a show off

Well hi Auntie K.

Hey mom.

Hi girlies.

We're just gonna get some sodas.

So how's the ivy league, huh?

Is it worth the 50k?

Oh, I'm on scholarship,

you know that.

So what's a scholarship

buy you this year?

I am taking two

classes this semester.

Oh eeh.

Comparative literature

and advanced French theory.

You are your mother's daughter.

And I am the proudest

mother in the whole wide world.

Love you, best girls

in the whole wide world.

Ooh, look it, it's

my own Susan Sontag.

Oh mom.

Come on, everybody needs a hero.

Okay, I will be

by the pool reading.

Yeah, I'm gonna go to my room.

Okay bye.

Bye.

I'll let you know when

the appetizers get here.

All right, thanks mama.

Oh, I did good on those girls.

You know they only love

you because you feed them?

Input not recognized.

Why are you doing this to me.

Turn right

and then make a U turn.

I'm getting confused again.

Five hundred feet.

What?

U turn now.

No back.

- Call voice mail.

- Back.

Call Judy.

Your input was not understood.

Phone options are call, hang up,

Entry and back. No, no no.

No no no!

Call Doctor Brandhog

Back, back call Judy.

It's always weird when

the parents ask me out.

'Cause it's like are they

flattering me or are they

bribing me?

Is that even allowed?

You know, I've been single

so long, it doesn't even matter.

I just roll with whatever rolls

by. When you're in my position

you have to have a take what you

can get attitude. You'll see.

Yeah, I'm not really

that into dating just yet

Well you better hurry

up, because the dating

pool is draining fast. So

get going. And it takes a long

time to meet people, so you

need to set the ground work.

You know what, okay I, I

got to admit it, okay. Maybe I

have set a little ground work. I

have been, uh, dabbling in the

online thing, Date Me dot com.

Date Me dot com?

Yeah...

Is the garage sale at seven p.m.

of online dating.

No, don't tell me that.

Yeah.

I think some of

those guys seems nice.

Yeah, if you like liars,

phonies, scam artists.

I mean Pony Play? You

heard about that yet?

Yes.

Kate.

That is, you're being paranoid.

No, I am not. I was

obsessed with it for a while.

And trust me I have more

stories than Scheherazade.

Kimmy was telling me

that Thanksgiving is an

opportunity for her to

reconnect with, with connection.

Do you feel the same way? What

makes you feel disconnected?

Uh, disconnect.

Um - -. Okay, um,

I- I have a very intense

relationship with my email.

And ironically that makes

me feel disconnected.

Okay. Tell me about

your email dysfunction?

Just, um, well mostly I

just, I just check my email

over and over and over again.

Where even I think it's crazy

Because nothing is coming in.

But then something does come in.

And even if it's like spam

or an ad or whatever,

I just feel - - validated.

Why can't we all

just become lesbians?

And buy a winery in Napa?

Wine?

Yes. And we'll grow biodynamic

grapes and, and make Grenache

and we'll convert a barn

into an art studio.

Oh that sounds delish. Uh,

you may be right about the whole

lesbian thing. Because I never

felt more popular than when I

was up for head curator at the

O'Keefe Institute.

See? The only problem is

all lesbians are married now.

Mm-hmm.

I mean truly there's

The good ones.

No such thing...

There is no such thing

as a good old lesbian.

I mean who's single.

Yeah.

Unless she's a nun.

And I try to put these

restrictions on it. Like,

um, you can only download once

every four hours. Or just some

arbitrary number. But then work

calls, some freelance gig and

they need it right away. So.

Mm-hmm. And, uh, you

know, because your work

is connected to your email.

Yeah, yeah, I'm like sitting

in front of my computer all day.

So it's like, it's like I'm

tempted every single second

of the day. I don't even know

what I'm looking for or waiting

for or hoping is gonna come

in. because the truth is

nothing important or

interesting is coming in.

I am optimistic

about my opportunities.

Well you should be,

'cause you always had better

luck with men than I did.

What are you talking about?

You had tons of boyfriends.

Yeah but they weren't

like your boyfriends.

They weren't like James.

James. Holy sh*t,

where did you pull that from?

Yeah but it makes me

so upset when something

personal ends up in my spam

folder. Although, sometimes I'll

just, I'll just like approve

spam just so that I get

more mail. I Mean not, not spam

exactly, more just like ads.

And things like that, things

that, you know, other people

might not want to receive. I

just can't help it, I just like

it. I really like it. I like

having all this stuff in my

Inbox. I am sort of pro spam.

I had such a crush on him.

You did?

But you won't believe

what happened to him.

God, don't tell me.

Did he die?

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