Search Engines Page #6

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again. And they're really old,

I mean they are really old

Methuselahs, okay? And so then I

have to lie about my age. And I

do not think about it as lying,

because I have to level the

playing field. I mean

these men don't know who

I am. They don't know what a

vibrant 50-year-old woman

I am. And I'm a giver.

That's right.

I'm a giver. You want to date

a taker, date a 20 year old, okay.

But I'm a giver.

Yes you are.

The male brain is

compartmentalized, right.

So it can only focus on one

thing at a time. And they

can never see the big picture.

That's science, Shane. But men

are vain, they're vain, they're

vain motherfuckers, I'm telling

you. I mean they just sit there

and they think that young woman

are gonna fall all over the

potbellied, silver-haired

Yeah. daddies.

I mean do you ever see a

guy over 50 doing a sit-up?

Never.

Never. Do you ever see

them in spinning class?

Mm-mm. No, never.

Hey, Rick, you go to

Soul Cycle lately? Pilates?

We're having a

conversation, come here.

I, actually I'm just

kind of waiting for a call

I'm, I'm gonna make

the call right now.

Okay.

Alright-Yeah. Excuse me.

Well he's not over 50, but you

know what I mean. That's the

point. The whole thing is just

such a joke. It really is a joke

Is something wrong, sweetheart?

Hey, it's this cheap vodka

that makes me combative.

My sister and her CVS booze.

I love it. It's very Liz

Taylor circa, well, circa anytime

I suppose.

So what's your story?

In terms of what?

Love.

We don't talk about love in Britain.

I love the queen,

that's all you're

gonna get out of me.

That's nice.

All right, well.

Is, is the queen single?

No, she's married

to Prince Phillip.

Of course she's

married to a prince,

'cause she's a greedy b*tch.

Yeah. We love her anyway though.

And I always think a

queen should be a little

bit greedy, you know.

Some guy just tweeted

asking if I'm enjoying my eel

and teriyaki turkey. Who are

these people? Gun show 87.

Give me a break.

Everything okay?

No, everything is not okay.

My phone has chosen to abandon

me in my hour of need. It says

no access to the Internet.

Okay, did you restart it?

Yes, Kimmy, I restarted it.

Hey, easy. Um, did

you check the settings?

'Cause sometimes the settings

I don't know-I don't know

are off. And you reset it?

From settings

Well just

okay, I just-

It, it's just supposed to work.

Okay, let me check.

Okay, okay 'cause it, it's

an emergency. All the recipes for

Thanksgiving are bookmarked

on there.

It's coming back on.

No, I know it comes on.

It's just I can't get online.

Okay don't worry

I'll get you back online.

Okay please, please. If you

don't it's gonna be the worst

Thanksgiving since the great

salmonella gravy scare of 1996.

We-go get it. I

will get you back online.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm going this way.

I'm going that way.

Stir that broth, it's for

the vegan turkey stuffing.

Okay I got it. Go.

- Okay. Thank you Kimmy.

- Yes. Go, Go.

Hello? You did what? No, sorry

I, I can't hear you. Hang on,

I'm going to go outside.

You're breaking up.

Look like you

just-no, it's not-Hi.

Hey. Hi.

So good to see you honey.

Hey Judy, sorry we're late.

It's after three.

I know, I was working.

Yeah, not blogging.

Yeah. Hey Jennifer.

Hey.

Look how cute, she's so big..

I know, she is.

I have a crisis.

Oh, oh, what happened?

- Well I, I can't get online on my phone.

- What?

Hey.

And I...

bookmarked all the recipes

and if we don't get back on,

appetizers is all we're having.

Honey that's not gonna

happen. I know that I'm late,

but I'm here now to help. okay

David, set up

the cheese platter.

Oh, I'm not mad at

a cheese platter.

Oh and take her

somewhere and park her.

Park her?

I, You, you know what I mean. God, I

mean I'm just Jewish men are so sensitive.

Oh you stop it, it's

not that he's Jewish.

He's stupid.

See you at dinner.

Come on, sweetie.

Oh, okay. Hello.

Come on, baby, I might need

you to pick up the front.

What are we looking at first?

Tofu stuffing from

Lizzie Emerald's website.

Ooh, you like Lizzie Emerald?

Well she's supposed to

be a total b*tch.

How do you know

something like that?

Who's a b*tch dot com.

There is a website

called who's a b*tch dot com?

How do you not know that?

I don't know-'cause I'm not-

Well I'm-

Shi-my broth. Ooh, oh

Oh no. Do you need that?

Yes I need it, it's for the stuffing.

Oh sh*t. Sh*t!

Honey, I told you, you-

Oh!

Oh see I-you should

have done potluck. I'm just.

Potluck? No.

Yes.

I wanted a homemade, beautiful

Vintage Thanksgiving. You

know what I mean, like. Making

things by hand. Nobody,

nobody makes things anymore.

It's all attach and send.

And download.

Oh

Wow, is that supposed

to be happening?

Wow. 550 seems really high.

No, no, no, no no. Please.

Well there's no temperature

consensus online and-

Oh.

And I surveyed like

a dozen recipes. Sh*t.

Ah.

Oh...

Oh no.

Oh dear.

Oh no, no, no, no. There's

no use crying over burnt turkey.

Hey. It's like turkey jerky.

No f*** turkey jerky.

I wanted juicy turkey.

Yeah well.

I wanted better f***ing homes

and gardens magazine turkey.

I wanted turkey to make Martha

Stewart wet. You know, I

shouldn't have relied on this

f***ing thing. Well you're never

there when I need you. Why are

you never there when I need you?

Come in.

Hello, my gorgeous niece.

Hi. When did you get here?

You hiding out?

This is the commotion free zone.

Hurricane Thanksgiving,

it's like a goddamn

category seven out there.

Yeah.

You have the right idea.

What are you now, like 40?

Sixteen. But my ID says 18.

You little criminal. I bet

the boys are going crazy over you.

Do you have a boyfriend?

There's a guy I'm seeing,

but no one would approve, so.

Mmm-

It's nothing.

I know the feeling. Remember

when I dated that Scientologist?

Oh, it's not that

bad He's just older.

Okay yeah but how much older?

Like do I need to

kick his ass or-?

No Uncle Jesse, I

can kick his ass myself.

Fine, but if you need me to

Kung-fu chop one of your dates

you just text me.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, what about you?

You seeing anyone special?

I can't really

seem to meet anyone.

Come on.

There are tons of gay guys

out there. No, I'm

serious, this is like the best

time in history to be gay.

Uh-uh.

You should get on Bottom Feeder.

Wait, how do you know

about Bottom Feeder?

I, I love BF.

Why do you have a

gay dating app?

Duh, 'cause it lets me rate

hot guys. Here, let's see.

I can't believe you know

about this app.

Everyone does, it's

like legendary.

Oh let me see your

account. I'll help you

No. No,

100 percent no.

Please.

No, what the hell is wrong with

you? No, maybe later, but just-

Yes.

So wait-

I- I don't understand. Like

what, what do you even use

for a profile pic?

Oh I use the torso of

Antonio Sabato Junior.

Of course.

You want to see?

Yeah, seriously he's hot.

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