Search Engines Page #8

---

one of my fantasy

football leagues?

No I'm pretty sure

it was a different district

of the cyber hood.

Well I'm pretty sure

that I don't know what you're

talking about then, dude.

Dude. Most smart married

men turn off their Bottom Feeder

before going to

a Thanksgiving dinner.

Eight feet away is so dumb.

Like I said I'm

not sure I know what

you're talking about.

Tell-I'm telling you,

I don't care. Do not care. Not

going to say anything.

F***ing phone, man. I turn

the goddamn app off it comes back

on. I turn it off, it comes on

again. F***ing headache.

I've always wanted

to be someone's mistress.

Says maybe it's time

for a little iPhone espionage.

Yeah, I already did that.

Ah.

Hey. I believe you

ordered one ice cold mojito.

That is so sweet. Thank you.

Oh, how's it going out here?

Meltdown at work. And

the cell phones are dead.

The rapture has begun.

No, don't worry, I'm sure they

will get the phones working again.

Mm, for the sake of my

marriage I kind of hope they don't.

What's that mean?

Rick is a phone junky. He's

on his phone all day and all night.

You know, I have my own strange

addict. Yeah, it's my wife. She,

uh, she's like a human

Pinterest board.

What does that mean?

Uh, Petra, she just reviews

everything under the sun and

over the sun. I mean she, she'll

review a gas station if she

doesn't like the gas pump or, or

write four-page blog entries on

what her favorite varieties of

flavored lip gloss are.

You know, and she gets so fired

up when people like her reviews

or comment on her analysis or,

or re-tweet her tweets.

It's like she's having

a f***ing orgasm.

Oh.

You know, she's posting

or vining or tumbler-ing or

insta-ing or whatever.

I don't know.

Maybe we should

start a support group.

Step one.

Step one, Rick should throw his

phone in the middle of the ocean

if it would make you happy.

Work. You will work. You

will listen to me, I am your

master, you will work, work. Be

a good phone. Be good.

Okay stay very still, be good,

that's it. That's it, be good.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

I think I recognize you.

Aren't you that Yeah.

Guy from, um?

Yep. Yep, I am that

guy, yeah.

I used to love that

show when I was a kid.

Oh this is not working.

I have to send a selfie

to my agent right now.

I have to look aggressive.

Are you a friend of my mom's?

I've been on other shows

since you were a little kid,

just so you know.

I didn't mean

anything by that. I-

I did not disappear.

I did not disappear.

Are you okay?

The phone isn't working.

Do you want to borrow my phone?

No, f***, work,

would you please,

would you please work, would you

please work for me?

Would you please, someone

be here, please.

Please god help.

It's hard to find time to listen.

Petra and I have been

together for 12 years and I, I

feel like I have to squeeze in

alone time with a crowbar. The

records just stack up.

My first boyfriend and

I would lie there for hours

listening to records. Lots of

James Taylor, Joni Mitchell.

Mm, tuning into the

music, watching the records

go round and round for hours.

I'd love to do that again.

Petra listens to one

song and she wants to review

the entire album online.

It kind of ruins the magic.

It's kind of like when

I take Rick to a gallery show.

He shoots a photo of a picture

on the wall without even

looking at it. It's like he

wants to preserve a memory that

hasn't even happened yet.

Yeah, how about those people who

record the entire concert

Oh!

On their phone.

Are they even listening?

Agreed! So not what

a concert is about.

Agreed.

Anyway, now they're using

their phones as lighters.

Yes, totally, it's so lame

I'm gonna see if

Judy needs rescuing.

Uh, do you want to hang

out here for a bit?

Yeah, sure. I'm no use

in the kitchen anyway.

I'll uh, let your spouses

know you're out here.

Ah no need, I'm sure

Petra's busy cooking.

And Rick's busy texting.

Ah! Hi!

My girl. Right.

I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

Come on, sit down.

Okay. Wait, does anyone know

the whack job outside? He's acting

like he's on bad hallucinogens.

That's my friend Bert, I

invited him. He may well have

swallowed his spray tan again.

He's on drugs too?

At Thanksgiving?

No, it's just that his drama

teacher tries to get him to

stay in character for days at a

time. Last month it was a Smurf.

It's a grim business,

I'll go check he's okay.

It's nice to see you again.

Nice to see you.

What were you talking about

with Mom's latest art pet?

He's doing research

for his new grog.

Oh Grammy it's

not grog, it's blog

Well good. Because

when I hear the word grog

I get thirsty. I think there's

really a lot to say about your

generation. And all

of this technology.

You sound like such

a grandma right now.

My generation, and grogs?

Okay smarty pants. What do

you think about all this? Huh?

You want to know a secret?

Of course.

It is the older people that

take the Internet too seriously.

It is moms who get in posting

fights on Facebook. I mean my

generation, we know how to

shut off our phones. We know

better than anyone else the

difference between real

communication and

cyber communication.

Like I have no problem not

responding to a text because

I know it's not the end of the

world. And I expect people

that I text to feel

the same way.

Hmm.

I just don't think it's

our generation's fault if

stupid people take their phones

too seriously. They have an off

button just like we do. There's

a guy and he won't stop texting

me. And he's just doing it for

himself. I mean he's addicted

to the validation of me texting

him back. But it has nothing to

do with me. I know that. I don't

think he does, which actually

gives me all the power

Yes.

I think that my generation knows

what to do when it all becomes

too much. We ignore it. Well You

just got to recognize it for

what it is, you know, it's a

tool. It's just a tool. It's

like a scale or a blender.

The day my scale texts

me is the day I shoot myself.

[KITCHEN NOISES

Here we are in the nerve center

Oh of the house, the kitchen.

Where we find our hostess.

Shane out out, out, out.

Oh, what's wrong,

what's wrong with this?

What's wrong

with it? The-

this is not what my

kitchen looks like

This is not what I look like.

Mess is part of the creative

process. I once took a tour

of Damien Hirst's studio.

The effluvium was very,

very similar. What do

we have in here?

Ah, no peaking.

Oh. That is the turkey

Oh okay it's a lit-

it's a little black.

Is it a Cajun turkey?

Uh, the-it's

meant to be Amish.

Let's put some

suspenders on it then.

Perhaps a little hat.

And what do we have here?

Really?

This-potatoes

Oh-okay. Um, so this will be

mashed potatoes. And, um, I

boiled them and I, I wasn't sure

about the skin so

I am improvising.

Oh okay well a little

bit of that and the, and the

black meat, you'd have a very

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes