Secret Admirer Page #6

I can't go through with it, Lou.

Neither can I, Con.

We're just not like them.

I've given it a lot of thought.

Something inside me

keeps saying...

"Hey, Fimple, what the hell

you think you're doing?

"You got a wife and kid.

You're a detective.

"Isn't that supposed

to mean something?"

Sure it does,

but that doesn't mean...

I don't think you're

an attractive woman, Connie.

You are.

A damn attractive woman.

If this thing inside me weren't

saying what it was saying...

I'd be saying

something else right now.

Lou, shut up. I'm talking

about Saturday night.

OK, f*** 'em. They're doing it

to us, we'll do it to them.

Saturday's fine by me.

Where do you wanna meet?

Lou, I'm talking

about bridge club!

Bridge club is Saturday night!

We're having it at your house!

You and me, him and her,

all together...

...at the same house

at the same time!

Bridge club. Right.

That'd be the perfect time...

...to blow this whole thing

wide open.

Having a good time?

Yeah, it's great.

You can't imagine

how much work it is...

...putting one of these things

together.

I really appreciate it.

You know, Toni,

this whole thing's kinda weird.

You know,

Debbie and Michael going out.

She's always going out

with these guys from college.

Now she's throwing him

this big party...

...and, you know, for a present,

I heard she's gonna...

Oh, boy.

She's gonna what?

What's she gonna give Michael?

Look, if I tell you, you gotta

promise not to tell anybody.

Oh, I don't care. Forget it.

All right,

I'll go ahead and tell you.

Later tonight, she's gonna...

Well, they're gonna do it.

She's gonna go all the way

with him. Some present, huh?

Wow.

Wish it was my birthday.

All right!

Make a wish.

All right!

Speech! Speech!

Speech for Michael.

Thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen.

I'd just like to thank

Mr. Quincy Jones.

That is what I call having

your cake and eating it, too.

Ha! We win, you lose.

OK, winners move up,

losers move down.

Well, here we all are.

Uh, at the winner's table.

I guess we're all doing

pretty well tonight.

Yeah, I guess so.

Elizabeth, you've really

outdone yourself on the affairs.

On the hors d'oeuvres!

You lying piece of sh*t!

What'd I say? Wait a minute!

I said hors d'oeuvres!

- You said affairs!

- Lou, for God's sake!

I meant hors d'oeuvres!

Oh, yeah?

It isn't what you said!

I don't know what I said!

I was being polite!

Polite?

I'll show you polite!

All right! Break it up!

Stop it, Lou!

Can you imagine

what they are doing right now?

Unbelievable.

Now, Michael.

Now.

- Ow!

- What's the matter?

Nothing.

Move down a bit.

- Debbie, what's wrong?

- It hurts.

- What do you want me to do?

- Do it right.

I thought I was.

Here. Try again.

- This isn't gonna work.

- Yes, it is.

- Try it again.

- I don't want to.

What are our friends gonna think

if we don't do it?

I don't give a sh*t

what they think.

Well, I do. I told

a lot of people about this.

Michael,

when you get down there...

...you act like it was the best

experience you've ever had.

I don't want anyone

to know about this... Ever.

- Hey, guys, look who's back.

- Whoa. Wait a sec.

Thank you all for making

Michael's birthday...

...such a fabulous success.

No problem.

Thanks, Toni.

Don't tell me what we did!

I know what we did,

and we didn't do anything!

Don't tell me what

you didn't do because I know!

Oh, I suppose you were there?

As a matter of fact, I was!

What are you talking about?

What do you mean you were there?

Since when did you start

spying on people?

Since always!

It's my job! I'm a cop!

- No, I don't wanna hear it!

- But I didn't-

I don't wanna talk about it!

That is a great idea, because

there's nothing to talk about!

That's right! There's nothing

more to talk about!

- I want a divorce!

- What? Damn you.

You're out of control now.

You've lost your mind.

I can't believe you're doing

this to me. After 20 years-

Goddamn it!

I didn't do anything to you!

How many times

do I have to say that?

Until you find somebody

dumb enough to believe it!

Damn it, I'm telling you

the truth. Nothing happened.

Oh, nothing.

"When I look at you,

I can't take my eyes off you. "

I don't call that nothing.

"I long to have your arms

around me and feel your body. "

Look,

I didn't write that letter.

Jesus christ, Mom! What are you

doing with my letter?

I can't believe this!

Doesn't anybody have any privacy

around here anymore?

Your letter?

I got it on the last day

of school. Is that OKwith you?

Can you stay out of my stuff?

I can't believe this!

You can't even trust

your own parents anymore.

I'm gonna get a guard dog

and a bazooka.

This is just wonderful.

Perfect ending to a perfect day.

You know, some people

still believe in love!

Some people

still believe in marriage!

And some people

still believe in trust!

Ha! That's a laugh!

How could you say that

after what you've done?

I'll never trust you again!

What are you talking about?

Nothing happened!

Will you listen to me?

This is what I'm talking about!

"If for just one brief moment...

"I could feel your lips

against mine...

"I would die a happy man. "

You call this nothing?

Daddy, that's my letter!

How could you?

Your letter?

Michael wrote this letter to me!

How could you read it?

I will never forgive you

for this. Never!

Aw, honey.

What are you doing here?

Are you busy?

The party's over, Michael.

Well, can I come in for a while?

Why? What's wrong?

Debbie and I.

I don't know.

I think I made a big mistake.

Well, you know, as fascinating

as that subject is to me...

...it's late,

and I want to go to bed.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What are you so upset about?

Oh, nothing much.

See, I gave this party

tonight for a friend...

...only there was this

big highlight to the evening...

...and I didn't know what it was.

But what it turns out to be

is a couple of friends...

...screwing in my parents' bedroom!

Well, the next time you're

gonna do something like this...

...do you mind telling me first?

I don't like being used!

Toni, I didn't know

that was gonna happen.

- Well, everybody else did.

- Well, not much happened.

Yeah. Not much.

Nothing happened, OK?

Nothing happened.

Well, then what were you

doing up there?

Look, it didn't happen!

I'm not supposed

to tell anybody this...

...because she wants

everybody to think...

...that we had

this wonderful experience.

But that's not even

what I came here for.

Well, am I supposed to guess?

Would you go out with me

sometime?

What?

I think we ought to go

on a real date.

You and me, together.

What the hell happened

to Debbie?

I don't know what the hell

happened to Debbie!

I don't know.

It just wasn't what I thought

it was supposed to be.

I expected her to be like...

...you.

You know, when we have

a good time together.

That's what I expected,

but it wasn't like that.

All right, so she's the most

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