Secret Admirer Page #5

that you and I should...

...you know, I just don't think

that you and I should, uh...

I mean,

I just don't think we should.

Unless, of course, you really

had your heart set on it...

...because, you know,

I can understand that, too, Ton.

How could they do this to us?

You'd be surprised

what people can do, Connie.

I see it every day.

Sometimes I find myself

saying to myself...

"Lou, how can people do

the things they do?"

I guess they're just-

...they're-they're just

plain weak, Connie.

I sure never thought Liz was.

I mean, twenty years,

and I never cheated on her once.

I never even looked

at another man.

First, I wanted to kill 'em-

my wife and my friend.

My husband and my friend.

What the hell we gonna do,

Connie?

F*** 'em.

Oh, God, yes!

Oh, Liz hardly ever does that

anymore.

My son's in the next car!

Holy sh*t!

He's with my daughter!

Oh, my God, Lou,

what are you doing?

Get back in here.

Want them to see us?

Get in here! Get down!

We gotta get out of here.

I don't mean to be a tease...

...but this is the first time

we've been together...

...and I don't think

it's right this soon.

Right.

Right, it's too soon.

- Would you hand me my bra?

- Yeah, sure.

Oh, thank God.

He's not here.

Son of a b*tch.

Thanks, Lou.

Holy sh*t!

You rotten, low-life,

son of a b*tch!

Oh, my God.

You know,

I have never gone out...

...with a guy

in my own grade before.

Yeah, neither have I.

How old are you?

Seventy-one, seventy-two.

You know, I can't remember.

I'm getting so old.

You're sixteen, aren't you?

Well, if you wanna get

absolutely technical...

Oh, God! I'm a cradle robber.

Well, come on. I'm gonna be 17

a week from Saturday.

Really? A week from Saturday?

Yeah.

That's a very big day for me.

From then on out,

it's adios, diapers.

Bonjour, rubber pants.

Oh, sh*t. There's daddy.

Call me tomorrow?

Promise?

- I had a great time.

- Yeah.

Really.

Lyin' bastard, son of a b*tch.

That scumbag piece of sh*t.

Good evening, Mr. Fimple.

F*** you.

Hi, Ton. It's Debbie.

You gotta help me.

It's Michael's birthday

Saturday...

...and I wanna give him a party.

Your parents are still

out of town, aren't they?

Well, I was wondering if

we could have it at your house.

It won't be a big one, and

I will take care of everything.

- I promise you.

- No.

Oh, Toni, please?

You know I can't have it here.

You know how my dad is.

Plus they're having

bridge club that night.

Debbie, I can't.

I promised my parents.

Oh, please, Toni?

Please, please, please?

You won't even have

to give him a present.

Your house will be the present.

He's taking me out tonight, and

I want to be able to tell him.

Oh, you gotta say yes.

I'm in love.

Oh, please?

Oh, all right.

Thanks, Ton.

You look great.

I hope so.

I cannot believe how much money

I spent shopping today.

I saw this great movie

last night.

I must've gone to every single

store in the city.

I must've walked

at least ten miles.

And then I found

the most darling boutique...

...you've ever seen in your life.

Actually, that's where

I got these gloves.

But they had

the most darling accessories...

...and jewelry you would die for.

These earrings I saw

came down to about here...

...with rhinestones and pearls.

I should've gotten them.

I think I'll go back for them.

But then I went to I. Magnin's.

I mean, they have

absolutely everything...

...and I bought the greatest dress.

God, it is so beautiful.

It's got all this taffeta

with little pleats.

Comes down to right about here.

The shoes were the killer.

Took me forever to find a pair

that would go with it.

I went to Capezio's,

Jourdan's, Bullocks...

...and then I finally found these

at Henshaws...

...and they go with everything,

just about.

Those are great.

And I love that top.

Oh, this old thing?

I got this weeks ago.

Boy, was that a day.

Unbelievable.

Must've walked

fifteen miles that day.

There's a lot more

to shopping...

...than just going out

and buying stuff.

I mean, not only do you have

to know where to go...

...but you have to know when to go.

Day after Christmas is

the best day of the whole year.

And that's when you get

all the best deals.

You can get a whole new wardrobe

for half price.

Last year, I-who is it?

Now, take Toni, for instance.

I like Toni a lot.

Don't get me wrong.

She does not know

the first thing about clothes.

I mean, she could be

so much more attractive...

...if she just paid a little more

attention to what she wore.

Boy, I am so hungry.

I must've walked

twenty miles today.

Well, they say food is

a substitute for a lack of sex.

Did you see "Doctor Zhivago"

last night?

Yeah! That was the movie I saw.

I loved the part

where Rod Steiger-

It was the best ever.

I mean, Julie Christie's

clothes are un-

F***! Sh*t! Goddamn it!

F***ing sh*t!

These are my brand-new pants...

...and I cannot f***ing believe

I did this!

F***ing sh*t!

I have to go to the bathroom.

Would you get me some club soda?

Excuse me! F***ing sh*t!

Damn it!

Can I have some club soda,

please?

- Anything else?

- No.

What'd you do to Debbie?

She spilled something

on her pants.

- Tragedy.

- No kidding.

Fifty cents.

Aw, that little sh*t!

Toni, can I borrow

some money, please?

Sure.

Thanks. I'll pay you back.

I promise.

Forget it.

I'll see you Saturday.

Hi. Excuse me.

Could you do me a favor?

Did you see a girl go in there

with a stain on her pants?

Where's

the Goddamned club soda?

I'm sorry, Michael.

I guess

I wasn't much fun tonight.

No, it's OK.

I had a lot of fun.

I'll make it up to you

on your birthday.

I promise.

You're probably

asking yourself right now...

...why your younger

and much smaller brother...

...is apparently

borrowing money from you.

You little sh*t!

But, Mike!

Mike, don't do it!

- Mike! Mom!

- Give me the money.

Here. Take it.

What are you gonna do?

Not in mom's rosebushes!

- Hello.

- Hello, Liz.

It's-it's George.

Can you talk?

I can talk.

Oh, God, your voice sounds

so beautiful over the phone.

I've been thinking about you

all week, too.

Well, me, too, George.

But, I just-look, Liz...

I just don't know

how it's gonna work.

I mean, I just don't know

how it's gonna work.

It can't. It can't.

I like Connie too much.

God, and I like Lou.

And we're just not

these kind of people, George.

Oh, God. I know. Jesus.

Sometimes I wish we were.

I know. I know.

So...

So that's it then.

We're doing the right thing,

George.

Yeah, yeah.

I know. I know we are.

Well, then I'll...

I'll see you around sometime.

I'll see you Saturday.

Goddamn! OK, Liz, if you're

willing to take a chance...

...so am I. Goddamn it!

I'll meet you Saturday

any place, any time.

No, George!

It's bridge club Saturday.

You and Connie

are coming to our house.

Holy sh*t.

Bridge-bridge club?

It's OK. It's OK, George.

We didn't do anything.

Well...

Saturday. See you then.

Lieutenant Fimple, vice.

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