Semi-Pro Page #5

My goodness.

Look at the Russian bear go.

Throwing people around like rag dolls.

# Why can't we be friends?

Why can't we be friends? #

Look at Monix take it to Petrelli. I wish

the people at home could see this.

I could hurt someone.

New Red Apple Soda with a great taste

and tingle they're still looking for.

# Why can't we be friends? #

# Why can't we be friends? #

- # Why can't we be friends? #

- Get him! Get him!

# Why can't we be friends?

Why can't we be friends? #

Honestly, Dick, I could watch this all day.

This is terr... Look at Father Pat!

Father Pat is getting

the worst of a lot of this.

Stop!

- # Why can't we be friends? #

- And we're back in three...

- # Why can't we be friends? #

...two, one...

Welcome back

to your ABA game of the week.

I'll tell you, the spirit

and camaraderie of this league...

is on full display here tonight, Lou.

Yeah, yeah, you got that right, Dick.

Lou!

Come on, Jack! They won't come back

in here no more!

- Then I just kicked him!

- Man.

- Still got it, J.

- Now, that is how you play basketball.

- That's right.

- You hear those fans? They loved it!

- Man!

- Right on.

Monix, you got Petrelli's ass!

I mean, I was out there grabbin' balls.

I think I grabbed some of your guys' balls.

Damn!

- That was you on my nuts?

- Yeah.

You got the softest hands in the world.

All right, this is what we do.

Tae kwon do sessions every practice.

In fact, we don't need...

Does anybody here wanna talk

about the f***ing game?

God, this guy's a bummer.

Did anyone look at the scoreboard?

How about we run some plays

in the second half, Jackie?

Look, Monix, I'm not an X's and O's guy,

right? I'm not a tactician.

I'm a motivator

in the classic sense of the word.

You know, Lombardi,

Charles Lindbergh...

that nun over in India, like those people.

I get people to do great things!

And we just had an incredible,

team-unifying moment...

by punching other guys in the face.

And it felt good...

and now we're gonna continue that

on the court in the second half...

with baskets, though.

We need a game plan, Jackie.

So he the expert. He should know.

He done seen the game

from every angle...

- sittin' on the bench.

- Damn!

Hey, guess what? The Celtics weren't

just all-stars, they were a team. A team!

As opposed to a bunch of selfish

a**holes tryin' to look cool every night.

I mean, call us what you want to...

but we ain't never sat around

and pretended like we some champions.

Yeah, you got a little ring and all,

but you personally, you ain't won sh*t.

Clarence, I want you to have this ring...

as a token

of what you will never achieve.

Champion or not,

at least I played the game.

And I got news for you, Clarence...

for all your flash,

you are never gonna play in the NBA.

You are pissing your career away.

And one day,

you're gonna look back on your life...

and you're gonna realize that you never

even learned how to play basketball.

Jeez!

What the hell?

Sh*t.

Get your hands in the air.

Monix, bail's been set.

Lynn, can I ask you a favor?

You mean besides

bailing your ass outta jail?

Lynn, no one can drain it like you.

I think I drained all I can out of there.

- That hurt?

- Not really.

- How about that?

- Yeah.

Good.

Listen. This is long overdue,

but I wanna apologize.

For what?

For, you know, back then

we had some problems.

Did you wanna apologize

for cheating on me?

Twice.

Hey, I cheated on you once.

There just happened

to be two girls there.

- Still not funny?

- Still not funny.

And where's the necklace I made you?

Monix, it was the high point

of your career.

I didn't deserve that ring, Lynn.

I hardly played.

I was never the guy to hit the big shot.

Wanna know why

things didn't work out between us?

Yeah.

You hate yourself so much

it's impossible to love you.

Kinda brutally honest.

Did we have some fun?

You're kind of fun.

Didn't we?

Sometimes.

- What are you doing?

- There he is.

- Been lookin' all over for you.

- Like it. Sweaty.

See ya later, Ed. 'Scuse me, guys.

Excused.

Doin' your girl in the locker room?

Classy.

- What are you guys doin' here?

- We want you to coach the team.

- What?

- You know the game better than Jackie.

I'm flattered, but I don't think

Jackie would be too happy about this.

Come on, don't worry about Jackie.

I mean, I got this.

OK, Tropics, hustle up.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One and two and three and four,

and turn like you mean it.

Arch that back, Bee Bee.

I like it. Good rotation.

Beautiful, seahorses.

Leg kick, Scootsie.

Nice! And freeze it.

And then we start the game.

Now, when I say freeze it...

you guys gotta freeze it, OK?

- Hey!

- Hey.

You're back. All right.

We got a extra costume

right over there for you.

I'm not here to do whatever this is.

What is this?

What is this? Come on, man,

this is the future of basketball, OK?

This is entertainment.

You'll get it. You'll catch on.

Look, Jackie. Now, don't get mad,

but some of us got together...

and we aksed old Monix

if he'd teach us a little bit.

Wait, what do you mean, teach us?

I teach you guys things.

Like expert choreography and stuff.

No.

We wanna give Monix

a chance to coach, Coach.

What's goin' on here?

What is this?

Clarence?

This is a mutiny.

You guys all in on this?

You motherfuckin' cocksuckers.

All of you.

I have dedicated my life

to this team, OK?

I have given you guys my soul!

I mean, who bought you

those boots last Halloween?

That would be you, Coach.

You bought us those boots.

I bought 'em!

I really liked them boots.

They were nice.

They're really nice boots.

Yeah, we love ya.

But Monix just knows

the X's and O's, baby. That's all.

Come on, come on,

don't turn your back on us.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen.

How about this, I'll be the offensive

and defensive coordinator...

and you can still be head coach.

And you're the best promoter.

We gonna need fans, right?

Do you guys really think

I'm a good promoter?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You know you are, man.

- I'm probably the best in the league.

- Yeah, that's what they say.

- Top three.

- Yup.

- Right up there.

- Yeah.

OK.

If we play unselfish, fundamental

basketball, we can make a run at this.

By unselfish, I mean we sprint up

the court on every fast break...

not because we might get a dunk and

get your dick sucked after the game...

but because sprinting might pull

the defense out of position...

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So what's goin' on

with the blow jobs again?

Yeah, 'cause I vote

we keep them blow jobs, Jack.

- Yeah. All in favor?

- Come on, let the man talk.

Thank you, Clarence.

Now, till we start playing

like a real team...

we're gonna practice without the ball.

That's a waste.

OK, let's run the offense!

- Without a ball?

- Yeah, without the ball, Clarence.

Let's go, everybody get in position.

- Patch that ball up, Scootsie.

- Come on! Hustle!

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