Semi-Pro Page #7

- Nothin', man.

I'm just sittin' here watching...

and stuff.

I'm outta here.

Come on, man, don't be like that.

It's all cool.

No, man. No, believe me, it's not cool.

I'll call you.

OK.

He was talkin' to me.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen...

Jackie Moon has outdone himself

with this promotion...

as he prepares to jump

over 47 feet of Ball Girls.

- # Rollercoaster #

- # Say, what? #

The fact that Jackie's

never been on roller skates before...

appears to have done nothing

to diminish his confidence.

- # Rollercoaster #

- All right, folks.

Here comes...

- # Rollercoaster #

...Jackie!

Here he comes down the ramp.

- He is airborne!

- Sh*t!

- No!

- Lord!

- Jackie's up!

- # Rollercoaster! #

- Great job!

- # Rollercoaster! #

And everyone survives!

That was exciting!

- # Of love #

- That's an adrenaline rush.

# Rollercoaster #

Next time I'm gonna jump

even more girls.

- What?

- The Commissioner just called again.

- Commish?

- He's drivin' up here on Monday.

- He's comin' to Flint?

- Yes, he's comin' to Flint.

Sh*t. Crap.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

You know, Jackie, we need

We can't fake it this time.

We gotta do somethin'.

Look, it's no problem.

I'll take care of it.

Yeah? We've tried everything.

Look, I said I'll handle it, OK?

- I'll think of somethin'.

- All right.

Back in 30 seconds.

- How's your wife doin'?

- She's doing just super.

- She's gorgeous. Yeah.

- Really...

- Thank you, I think. I mean...

- I'd be...

...hands off.

- I'll try.

- OK.

- No guarantees.

Really?

I'd like a guarantee.

Are we back, Chuck?

We're back.

OK. Welcome back

to Tropics Weekly.

I'm joined by owner/player/coach

Jackie Moon.

Jackie, it is always an honor

when you can drop by.

Always enjoy our time together,

Dick Pepper.

Dick Pepperfield, actually.

Now, Jackie...

amazingly, you're two wins away

from getting your team to the NBA.

How do you intend to match up

to the Squires' strong inside game?

It's a great question.

Tomorrow, after the game,

I, Jackie Moon, will wrestle a bear.

Well, that's something...

but defensively, as a team,

how do you...

That's tomorrow night,

one night only...

watch Dewie the Wrestling Bear

attack me...

and he's killed people in public before.

Well, OK, that is some entertainment...

and you are known for

your creative promotions, Jackie, but...

You're not gonna

want to miss this, folks...

and if you're a small child, you creep

into your mama's bedroom at night...

and you lift about 40 bucks...

- outta your mom's purse...

- No, no, no.

...and you walk down to Flint

Fairgrounds Coliseum, eight o'clock!

There ya have it. Jackie Moon,

thanks so much for joining us.

Dewie's insane!

He could rip my head off!

I'm Dick Pepperfield, reminding you

there will be another night.

Good night, Flint.

Jackie, are you really

gonna wrestle a bear?

- Dick, you're the best.

- And we're clear.

- Let's go get some p*ssy.

- Gosh, I don't know.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- I shouldn't. You know, I shouldn't.

- But you want to.

Yes, I said I cannot say no to you. We

are gonna get some p*ssy, aren't we?

It's gonna be fun.

Come on!

I'm scared, Clarence.

It's a baby bear.

It's trained and everything.

I don't care. I'm terrified of those things.

I'm freakin' out.

Come on, get it together.

I'm startin' to feel really dizzy.

Break his neck! Come on!

- Wanna call it off?

- No! No.

OK.

I gotta give these people a show.

- Are you guys ready?

- Uh-huh.

- You have to give me your safe word.

- No, I don't need a safe word.

OK, I'll tell you what, if you feel

like you're in danger, just say...

spumoni.

No, I don't need spumoni, OK?

Let's get this show on the road.

Bobby Dee.

- Let's go!

- Go... Go... Go ahead, man.

What are you afraid of?

Hey.

We're both wearing red.

- Sorry, I'm not ignoring you. I'm just...

- That's stupid, Jackie!

...trying to deal with him right now.

How long you been

working with the bear?

Just like a day or so.

What?

But I've been working with cats

for like 12 years.

So I'm very familiar with animals.

Great.

- C'mon!

- Hey, Dewie.

F*** that sh*t!

I'm outta here. Spumoni.

No, nope. No, no.

You can't quit now. We just started.

We got to give these people

a show, man.

- Yeah, you're right.

- That guy's a p*ssy!

Test him out.

I'm just gonna be right over here.

- Do something!

- Come on, Dewie.

You're just nothin' but a dumb bear.

Smack, smack. Yep.

Crazy fists. I'm comin' with crazy fists.

Yeah. This is fine,

he's not doing anything.

Flint, can you dig it?

Jackie Moon Flint...

Sh*t!

Dewie!

Spumoni!

One round. No spumoni!

F*** you, Clarence! Spumoni!

Dewie, no!

Bobby Dee, help! Sh*t! Spumoni!

Watch my hair! Watch my hair!

The only thing I care about

is my hair! Watch it!

Dewie! My hair!

Spumoni! Spumoni!

How many times

do I gotta say spumoni?

- Somebody's got to do something.

- I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Don't worry, Jackie!

I'm coming, Jackie.

I'm comin', Jackie.

Turn on the lights! Turn on the lights!

Good.

Nobody move. Nobody move.

Where are you, precious?

Dewie?

Everyone just remain seated.

I think he left.

Dewie?

Everybody panic!

My God, there's a bear

loose in the Coliseum!

There will be no refunds!

Your refund will be escaping

this deathtrap with your life!

If you have a small child,

use it as a shield!

They love the tender meat.

Cover your sodas, Dewie loves sugar.

- Hey, Jackie.

- Hey, Commish.

What do ya think?

Packed house, right?

I need to speak with you

and the rest of the team, Jackie.

OK. Locker room? All right.

This whole merger thing

has been really complicated.

It's taken a lot of my time

out of my life, away from my family.

Look, even if you beat the Spurs

on Saturday...

the Tropics won't be going

to the NBA next year.

Come on, man.

What the hell

are you talkin' about?

The expansion committee had

an emergency meeting in Manhattan...

and they decided that Flint

just isn't a big enough media market.

Well, tough sh*t!

We done made it this far.

And rules is rules.

Guys, it's over.

There's nothing I can do.

Jackie, I'm man enough

to admit when I'm wrong.

I never thought you'd pull it off.

But you did.

Good luck.

Right.

Jackie, this is the type of deal

you can work around, ain't it?

Yeah, you Jackie Moon. I mean,

you can just make a phone call, right?

Sorry, guys. I let you down.

I'm nothin' but a big phony.

Man, don't talk like that.

You ain't no phony.

Yes, I am. You know my song

Love Me Sexy?

Of course, yeah.

Yeah, everybody loves that song, man.

It was number one in the country.

I stole it.

No.

It's true.

My mom wrote it on a napkin three

weeks before she died, and I stole it.

That song bought me this franchise

and everything I have in the world...

but it's all fake.

Well, look, you can write another

song. I know it's in your bones. Right?

Don't be crazy. I can't write a song

as brilliant as Love Me Sexy.

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