Semi-Pro Page #8
You're right.
I just wish I could puke this all away.
Monix, can you punch me
in the jejunum?
Monix?
# Qu ser, ser #
In a new merger-policy shift...
be playing for an NBA berth after all.
Saturday's matchup
against the first-place Spurs...
will be the Tropics'
final basketball game.
And in an act of great sacrifice...
Jackie Moon has helped
Tropics' superstar, Coffee Black...
realize his NBA dreams...
by trading him to the Spurs.
Clarence baby, you made it!
You made it, Clarence, you made it!
Yes.
# Qu ser #
# Qu ser #
# Girl #
# Qu ser #
For Lou Redwood, I'm Dick Pepperfield
reminding you there will be another...
No, actually we're down to our last night.
Sh*t.
Sup, chief?
Hey.
What are you doing here?
If you ain't heard, I got traded.
Yeah.
Coffee Black headin' to the NBA.
Big time.
Yeah, I just wanted to let you know,
man, this year, you coaching us...
the way you did it,
you really made us feel...
No, no, no, no.
Don't.
OK.
Let me ask you somethin', Monix.
Yup.
You already played for the NBA.
Your knee is gone...
you couldn't give a damn about the
merger, you were gonna retire anyway.
What's the question?
What you playin' for?
I just wanna sit here
and have a beer in peace.
Yeah?
All right.
I just thought you'd wanna hear that.
Have a good one.
# Baby, are you ready
to lick me sexy? #
Jackie, where you at?
# I'm a big faker
and I stole this song-ly sexy #
# I wanna kill myself-y sexy #
# I'm gonna get an extension cord
and hang myself sexy #
Buddy. What are you doin'?
Right now I'm urinating on myself.
Listen, Jackie, I never thanked you.
- For what?
- For helpin' me find basketball again.
Now what is it... Don't eat that.
- What is that?
- Pancake.
- Has that been there?
- It's been here a while.
Listen, Jackie, I think
you should call a team meeting.
Why?
'Cause you're still the leader
of the Tropics. Can you do that?
OK.
You're a good man.
Should we...
I hate to see this go to waste.
This little bit.
It won't go to waste.
Save that for the next guy.
If I could have
everyone's attention, please.
Well...
I just wanted to take one last time
to say thank you to all of you...
for all your hard work
as part of the Flint Tropics.
My teammates, it was an honor
to be on the court with you.
You guys are the best.
Even you, Vakidis.
Goddamn dumb son of a b*tch.
You don't understand
a word I'm saying, do you?
To the Tropic Ball Girls...
I always thought I was gonna sleep
with a couple of you...
but that didn't happen.
That'll teach me to procrastinate.
Bobby Dee,
you're like a son I never had.
The son who's exactly
the same age as me.
Well, kinda... You're like
a half-son, half-friend.
Friend. A son-friend.
No, don't talk. You'll just make it worse.
I don't want to cry and wet my pants.
I'm not makin'
a whole lot of sense right now.
- Jackie?
- Yeah?
- Can I say a couple words?
- Please.
Thanks.
So we all know
that Clarence got traded...
and we all know this game
doesn't really matter anymore, right?
I've been thinking...
We made it our mission
to win fourth place.
You know, fourth place is still out there
waiting for us to take it.
And we're this close.
it didn't matter if we won fourth or not.
The truth is...
I never wanted anything
more in my whole f***ed-up life.
This game does matter.
It matters...
because this is the last real game of
basketball any of us is ever gonna play.
Ever.
Saturday night, I say we leave it
all out there on the floor...
for us to save it for.
Clarence or no Clarence,
NBA or no NBA...
this is for us.
Yeah. Let's do this.
Jackie Moon, I believe you have
one more game to promote.
- That's right.
- Damn right.
- Gentlemen?
- Let's bring it in.
- Ladies?
- C'mon.
- Yeah.
- Let's go, Tropics.
- Let me hear you say, "Fourth place!"
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
- Fourth place!
Look, the Spurs may be
the number-one team in the league...
but come Saturday night
they're gonna have to prove it.
Turtleneck.
Mr. Moon, since this game
doesn't actually count...
what exactly is your motivation?
On Saturday, we're gonna be playing
for the Flint, Michigan Megabowl.
White pants.
Yeah, I don't know if I understand
what you mean by Megabowl?
It's a Megabowl.
What's not to understand?
This is history in the making.
You're gonna wanna tell your grandkids
and their grandkids and their grandkids.
And when they look back
in the annals of history...
they're gonna be talkin'
about three things...
discovery of fire,
invention of the submarine...
and the Flint, Michigan Megabowl.
Right, but still the game doesn't count.
The trophy's 12 feet high.
And it is glorious. I've seen it.
Yeah, and when
we win the game...
that big gun's gonna shoot off.
The cannon doesn't actually fire.
It's a relic.
We're gonna win the Megabowl.
Saturday! Eight o'clock!
Flint, Michigan Megabowl!
Flint, Michigan Megabowl!
Flint, Michigan Megabowl!
Fourth place! Fourth place!
The Tropics seem to have captured
every heart in this town of underdogs.
People have poured in
from around the state...
to root for this first Megabowl
championship.
- It's a wonderful night for Flint...
and a wonderful night
for the Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum.
Now, Flint will be playing
without Coffee Black, their top scorer...
as the Spurs have traded for several
new players from around the ABA.
I was excited to be here
till I saw your face, Coffee.
Why's it so quiet in here?
Somebody say somethin'!
Monix, what time is it?
It's time.
It is a sold-out crowd here
at the Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum...
as the Tropics walk onto the court.
I tell you what, Dick,
this makes a lot of sense...
this heroes' welcome
for this Flint Tropics team.
This is extraordinary.
Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son...
and he has done more for this city...
than any human being
who's ever lived on this planet.
With the possible exception
of Henry Ford...
Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city,
you're right about that.
Good tip to the Spurs.
Behind the back.
And wow! A little "How do you do?"
from Markie.
That's a pretty impressive start
for the Spurs.
Running roughshod over the Tropics.
Vakidis passes to Doubleday.
Rejected.
Scootsie passes to Jackie.
Out to Twiggy, and...
Stolen by Rebenkoff.
He pulls up for a dagger...
and ouch, three points.
Yeah!
Yeah, I don't feel good about this.
I may not have brought enough Scotch.
Sh*t!
It's hard to say where the Tropics
are falling down worse tonight...
on defense or on offense.
the Spurs bench, the Tropics look lost.
You're goin' in, Coffee Black.
Coach, I've got back spasms.
I can't do it.
Lutz, you're in.
Jackie! C'mon. Jackie, Jackie!
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"Semi-Pro" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2025. Web. 13 Jan. 2025. <https://www.scripts.com/script/semi-pro_17766>.
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