Serpico Page #3

That f***ing thing on your lip,

it goes. And get a haircut.

- Sir-

- That's an order.

You look like an a**hole

with dentures.

- Do I have the right of appeal, sir?

- Sure. Go see Captain Tolkin.

You got one foot in sh*t already.

Put the other one in.

Where might that be,

I wonder, sir?

Thank you, sir.

That is one hell of a mustache.

I wish I had the guts.

Well, I have what I consider to be

good reasons for wearing it, sir.

- You don't have to tell me.

- But I'd like to tell ya, sir.

I thought so.

I think it's time that we started

to communicate more on the streets.

You know, the way it is,

we're totally isolated, sir.

We're completely out of touch

with what's happening.

An undercover cop walks around

in disguise...

wearing black shoes

and white socks.

Everybody knows who he is.

You made your point.

I want you to keep your mustache.

And I'd like you to patrol

in your own car.

Wear whatever you want.

How does that strike you?

I'd like that, sir.

To be honest,

I'm bucking for detective.

No sh*t.

Hold it!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, Christ!

Quick. Get against there.

I'm a police officer!

Get over there!

Hey! It's me, Serpico!

Hey, I'm a police officer!

Police officer!

Poli- I'm an officer!

I'm a police officer!

Jesus, Frank, how was I

supposed to recognize you?

- You stupid f***.

- Frank, I didn't know you!

You didn't know me?

You fire without looking?

You fire without a warning,

without a f***ing brain in your head?

Oh, sh*t.

If I buy one, you motherf***er,

I'm not gonna buy it from you.

Holy sh*t.

Look at that mess.

Filling out forms till next month.

Good.

Hey, Jesus, Frank...

I know it's a hell

of a time to ask you...

but I'm gonna have to go through

all that ballistics bullshit...

Good. You should.

It's gonna look like hell if I

don't have anything to show for it.

Frank, do me a favor.

Give us the collar.

You motherf***er.

You want the collar, huh? You

don't wanna fill out forms, right?

Here.

- You're a buddy.

- I'm a buddy.

Only you tell Tolkin

I gave it to you.

I am passing out these marijuana

cigarettes for you to sample...

so that when you become

plainclothesmen...

you'll be able to identify

the pungent aroma...

and recognize the disorienting effect

of the drug...

when you observe them

in narcotics suspects.

Among users of the drug...

a marijuana cigarette...

is referred to as reefer...

stick, roach, joint.

The drug itself

is referred to as pot...

tea, boo...

stuff, grass.

Hey, this is real good sh*t.

- I gotta have something to eat.

- Oh, look what it is.

Look what it is.

It's a potato factory is what it is.

And I have to have some,

and I love you- I love it.

Have some of that. We have

nothing to- I have to have a dime?

The dime goes

in the little slot there.

That doesn't work.

It's from the Civil War, this machine.

- Pull on it.

- Doesn't, doesn't, doesn't...

- Go ahead, go ahead.

- Shoot it out. Please!

I beg of you! Come out!

Potatoes, come out!

You're pretty f***in' weird

for a cop.

Me? You!

- What about you, buddy? You!

- You're the weird guy. Me?

- You're a f***in' hippie.

- It's beautiful, though.

The two of us.

Give me.

Where you supposed

to go from here?

Put your gun away.

You?

I am scheduled to go

on special assignment...

with the mayor's department

of investigations, detective squad.

- That's gold shield.

- Yeah.

No fouryears in plainclothes?

Who do you know?

I make it my business to know

people- people who can help.

Unfair.

Unfair.

Life is unfair, pal.

I mean, look, you've got

a feel for the streets, and I...

- I've got a feel for the politics.

- Oh, yeah?

You and me in a Batmobile, we could

clean up the whole city in no time.

I wonder ifwe can get candy

out of this machine though.

No, thanks.

Well, this is a good place

to tell you, Paco.

You know that guy in Texas

I was telling you about?

- What about him?

- I'm gonna marry him in two months...

unless you marry me.

What about the theater

and your dancing?

A girl has to get

married sometime.

Well, you're a long way

from sometime, Leslie.

I thought you were committed.

I am, but...

You are, but?

I can go on working,

studying there.

Where? Fort Worth?

Amarillo.

Well, am I invited

to the wedding?

I'll ask Roy.

Yeah, it's pretty good

in this precinct.

Here you go.

Usually a 9:
00 to 5:00 day is the

best time for policy and bookmaking.

If you have to work nights, like

a liquor violation, just call in.

Don't worry about

quotas right now.

Couple of hooker collars

will keep it cool.

Been holding this for you.

It's from Jewish Max.

First day on the precinct,

I get that.

This is great, Frank.

I can open up a whole can

of peas with this.

It's scary.

I wanna protect myself.

- You know what we do with this?

- What?

We take it to

Inspector Kellogg.

Kellogg- Didn't he used

to be in plainclothes?

He's the second-highest ranking cop

in the department of investigations.

- So what?

- What do you mean, "so what?"

I happened to be instrumental

in getting the man his job.

He owes me.

You understand?

He's the most honest cop

I know, Frank.

Frank, trust me.

Things like this were common

practice in the bad old days.

Hard to believe

it's still going on.

Serpico, don't you think

it's kind of stupid...

taking an envelope from somebody

you didn't know?

What was I supposed to do?

I mean, give me...

How would I know what was in it

unless I took it?

You have two alternatives.

You can force me to take you to

the commissioner of investigations.

He'll drag you in front

of a grand jury.

- I don't want that.

- I can understand that.

Word will get out.

Before it's all over, they'll find

you face-down in the East River.

- What's the other alternative?

- Forget it.

Well, what do I do with this?

Hey, Sarge?

You got a minute?

Colored cop gave me this.

I didn't know what to do with it.

Well, I'll send it on

to the Benevolent Association.

Alfie, come on.

Is that Bjoerling?

No. It's DiStefano.

I was sure it was Bjoerling.

You could hear it

better over here.

- That's an invitation, right?

- Right.

For coffee.

I'll have to take a rain check.

I'm due at the hospital.

Why don't you call in sick?

Perfect place.

Not me.

What are you,

dedicated or somethin'?

That's right, I'm dedicated.

Most men can't stand it.

- Well, what do they know?

- I like your garden.

Love my garden.

Okay. I love your garden.

You know what they say,

don't you?

No. What do they say?

If you love a man's garden,

you gotta love the man.

You like her, Alfie?

All I can tell you, sir,

is I gave it back.

I gotta get out of the 93.

Well, what happened on

your narcotics application?

Looked like it was set, until

I told 'em I was in plainclothes.

It was like

the kiss of death.

They think everybody in clothes

is on the take.

Sir, do you know anything about

the Bronx 7th Division?

I can go there if I want,

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