Setup Page #3

TESS:

Okay, so where do I go to meet the

right person? A bookstore? Amazon!

Tess starts to stand up. Jenna pulls her back down.

JENNA:

Bookstores barely exist, what

century do you think you’re in? Are

you a time traveler?

(MORE)

14.

JENNA (CONT'D)

If you are and you didn’t tell me,

I’m gonna be super peeved.

TESS:

Where then?

Light bulb. Jenna perks up --

JENNA:

What about a blind date?

TESS:

Ugh, no. You went too far, reel it

back to this century.

JENNA:

No profiles, no apps, no

preconceived opinions. Just a

regular date with a human male.

TESS:

You’re right.

Tess leans over and dumps her CELL PHONE into a toilet.

JENNA:

I didn’t mean-

TESS:

It’s done.

JENNA:

Fine, then I’m setting you up! Soon

enough we’ll be having couples

dinners, houses on the same block-

TESS:

That sounds gross.

JENNA:

Grosser than this bathroom floor?

Tess regards her situation. It is indeed gross.

TESS:

F*** it, I’m in. What do I do?

A deep, excited breath from Jenna as we SMASH TO:

INT. TESS & JENNA’S APARTMENT - A FEW DAYS LATER

Now the evening of the blind date, Tess is busy prepping.

15.

SERIES OF QUICK, ACTION-PACKED SHOTS:

AS JENNA’S DRUNKEN V.O. CONTINUES OVER THE SCENE, THE

CHARACTERS ON SCREEN MOUTH ALONG WITH IT.

JENNA (V.O.)

First things first, you’re gonna

clean your business up. This will

not be another chapter in your

forthcoming novel, “How to Get Laid

Without Leaving Your Apartment.”

A GLINTING RAZOR DRAGS SHAVING CREAM OFF OF TESS’ HAIRY LEG --

A BRA IS CLIPPED ONTO TESS’ BACK LIKE SHOULDER HOLSTERS --

TESS SECURES HER PURSE STRAP, SHEATHES HER PHONE --

JENNA (V.O.)

Then you’re gonna look in the

mirror and tell yourself:

TESS STARES INTO A MIRROR, MOUTHING ALONG --

TESS/JENNA (V.O.)

“Your 401K plans and intentionally-

grown facial hair do not intimidate

me. I will march out there and nail

this date in more ways than one.”

LATER, AT A RESTAURANT, A HOT MANLY GUY APPROACHES TESS --

JENNA (V.O.)

He’ll shake your hand and be like:

NOW MANLY GUY MOUTHS ALONG --

MANLY GUY/JENNA (V.O.)

“I’m not a sad little boy like the

guys you usually date. I’m a man.”

(burp)

“I wear gasoline-scented cologne

and carve wooden bowls for homeless

cancer kids to eat out of.”

FAST FORWARD:
MANLY GUY AND TESS EAT DINNER, WALK HOME --

JENNA (V.O.)

Then he walks you home and is all:

MANLY GUY/JENNA (V.O.)

“Will you marry me you beautiful

goddess woman?” And you’ll be like:

16.

TESS/JENNA (V.O.)

(hiccup)

“I don’t know. Maybe. Whatever.”

SOMEHOW, THIS MAKES MANLY GUY SWOON EVEN HARDER --

JENNA (V.O.)

Piece of cake.

ALL OF THE PREVIOUS SNIPPETS REWIND, UNTIL WE’RE BACK IN

TESS’ ROOM. SHE LOOKS IN THE MIRROR, SATISFIED. THIS’LL DO.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Semi-fine dining. Three dollar signs on Yelp.

MYSTERY DATE, 30s, white shirt and jeans, sits alone at a

table for two. Obviously waiting for Tess.

EXT. RESTAURANT - STREET - SAME

Outside, A BLACKED-OUT SUV sits parked near the crowd of

evening socialites. CAMERA inspects the car, floating inside:

INT. BLACKED-OUT SUV - CONTINUOUS

DOUG, 30s, sits in the SUV wearing almost the exact same

outfit as Mystery Date. Doug is big-hearted, tough, and loyal

to a fault -- like if Prince Charming grew up on the streets

of South Boston. He’s watching a HOW-TO VIDEO on his phone.

INSERT VIDEO:
“WHAT IS TISSUE PAPER?” Martha Stewart-esque.

A TEXT MESSAGE interrupts the video. FROM: “KEATON”

“YOU’RE LATE, GET IN THERE. DO NOT F*** THIS UP AGAIN, DOUG.”

Doug closes the message and steels himself, determined. He

glances to the passenger seat, where a nicely-crafted GIFT

BAG sits, and reaches all the way under the seat to pull out:

A BRICK OF COCAINE.

He carefully stuffs the drugs into the bag and exits the car.

EXT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

Doug ducks into the restaurant, gift bag in hand.

17.

MOMENTS LATER, Tess appears. Now cleaned up and ready to

roll, she crosses the street and enters the restaurant.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Tess enters the restaurant, annoyed to find a long line to

speak to the HOSTESS. She bypasses the line entirely, sees

DOUG sitting alone at a table, and approaches.

TESS:

Hi, sorry I’m late. You must be-

DOUG:

Doug.

Doug speaks with a Southie accent, albeit an endearing one.

TESS:

Doug, hey. I’m Tess. All I got was

“white shirt and jeans,” so it’s

nice to finally put a face to that.

I was picturing a coat hanger with

those clothes on it flying around,

which would’ve been super spooky.

Doug takes a sip of water, not getting it.

DOUG:

Okay.

TESS:

Sorry, I’m a little nervous. I’m

being weird, aren’t I?

DOUG:

Nah. You’re good. Just act natural

and we’ll be fine.

TESS:

Good tip. That’s a good tip. Sorry,

it’s been a while since I actually

did this for real.

DOUG:

That’s alright, I’ve done this like

a million times and I still get mad

nervous out in public like this.

TESS:

Me too.

18.

DOUG:

I usually like spots that are a

little less crowded, but I guess

you guys liked this place?

TESS:

I didn’t really get a say.

DOUG:

Ugh, I know how that goes.

TESS:

You work with Todd or something?

DOUG:

Nah, I work with Keaton and Blair.

TESS:

I don’t know them.

DOUG:

That’s the way they like it.

Now Tess doesn’t get it.

TESS:

Okay...

MYSTERY DATE’S TABLE:

Way on the other side of the restaurant, Mystery Date gathers

his things as a WAITER approaches.

WAITER:

Are we ready to order?

MYSTERY DATE:

I’m actually gonna take off.

WAITER:

I see you enjoyed the free bread

and water.

MYSTERY DATE:

No, it’s just my date didn’t-

But the Waiter’s already gone. Mystery Date exits, dejected.

BACK TO TESS’ TABLE:

Doug nervously shovels bread and water into his mouth. Tess

notices but tries not to pry, picking up her MENU instead.

19.

TESS:

What’re you gonna order?

DOUG:

We’re actually ordering?

TESS:

That’s what you usually do after

they hand you the menu.

THE SAME WAITER approaches before they can answer.

WAITER:

Have you folks decided?

DOUG:

I think we’re set with bread and

water for now, chief.

WAITER:

F*** this job.

The Waiter stomps off, over it.

TESS:

We don’t have to get food.

DOUG:

Do you eat every time?

TESS:

What have you heard about me?

DOUG:

Nothing, I usually just try to get

this part over with pretty quick.

Tess makes a face, not sure how to take that.

TESS:

Look, this is weird. We’re holding

up a table. If we’re not gonna

order anything, we should leave.

DOUG:

Yeah, okay. Sorry, it’s just... I

usually f*** these up. But I really

don’t want to this time.

Tess sighs out a smile, charmed despite herself.

TESS:

Would you want to walk me home, or

do you try not to do that, too?

20.

DOUG:

No, no, I can do that.

She gathers her belongings and exits. Doug follows behind.

EXT. KEATON’S HOME BASE - AFFLUENT NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote