Setup Page #4

BLAIR, 50s, a calm, cold-blooded silver fox, approaches an

upper-class home. Not a place you’d expect to find drug

dealers. He KNOCKS, adjusting his designer glasses, and --

KEATON, 50s, his sister and literal partner in crime, answers

the door -- a sharp, brazen veteran who doesn’t suffer fools.

KEATON:

You’re not supposed to use the

front door.

BLAIR:

We have a bigger problem.

EXT. TESS & JENNA’S APARTMENT - STREET - NIGHT

Night falls as Doug and Tess walk and talk toward her

apartment building. Charming in its negligent upkeep.

DOUG:

Robin Hood. No doubt about it.

TESS:

Seriously? Me too! Guys always say

Prince Charming just to be cute.

Once in a while Hercules, but-

DOUG:

Not me. Robin Hood was pulling mad

cash and still looked out for his

people. Where I’m from, that’s

worth way more than super strength.

TESS:

I just thought he was the hottest.

DOUG:

What? He was an animal!

TESS:

Yeah, a fox.

They chuckle playfully as they reach Tess’ front door.

21.

DOUG:

I don’t wanna jinx it, but this is

like the best one of these has ever

gone for me.

TESS:

Yeah. Me too, actually.

DOUG:

So... where do you wanna do this?

TESS:

What?

DOUG:

Out here could be good. You can’t

really see much from the street.

TESS:

(off-put)

Wow, I mean... I had fun, but I

think I’m gonna call it a night.

Doug holds out his GIFT BAG, handing it to Tess.

DOUG:

I’m just gonna hand this to you.

TESS:

You didn’t have to do that.

DOUG:

I didn’t want it to look weird out

in the open, so I thought I should

put it in a bag or somethin’. It

looks wicked legit though, right?

TESS:

Yeah, it looks great.

DOUG:

I watched a video.

A moment of awkward silence. Time to go.

TESS:

Well, thanks for the bread.

She kisses Doug on the cheek, then ducks into the apartment.

DOUG:

(calling after)

Our guys will be in touch!

22.

He stares for a moment, confused by the kiss. Then walks off.

INT. TESS & JENNA’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Equally confused, Tess hovers at the door.

TESS:

(to self)

“Our guys?”

The noise alerts Jenna, who enters like Tess is past curfew.

JENNA:

What the H-E-double-hockey-fucks?

TESS:

What did I do now?

JENNA:

Your date, genius. The one I slaved

over setting you up on?

TESS:

Let’s be careful about how we’re

using the word “slaved.”

JENNA:

Why did you flake out? I thought

you wanted to give this a shot.

TESS:

First of all, I did go on your

date. Boom. Proof.

Tess drops the GIFT BAG onto the counter for emphasis.

TESS (CONT’D)

Also, Doug was weird. I feel like I

should be the one yelling.

JENNA:

Who is Doug?

TESS:

The guy you set me up with!

JENNA:

I only know one person named Doug

and he is a cartoon.

TESS:

Then who just gave me this?

23.

Their eyes dart to the gift bag on the table. Tess walks over

and reaches into the bag, pulling out: THE BRICK OF COCAINE.

JENNA:

Is that...

TESS:

I just got a boner.

EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

Doug is walking down the street when his phone rings:

“KEATON.” He burps, waves the smell away, and then answers.

DOUG:

Hey, boss. Quick question. That

thing about your stomach expanding

and blowin’ up if you eat too much

bread and water is just like an old

wise tale, right?

INT. KEATON’S HOME BASE - LIVING ROOM - SAME

A home base that looks an awful lot like a regular home.

Scented candles. Crown molding. She’s hidden herself well.

KEATON:

Did you say wise tale?

Blair reaches for a nice whiskey, but Keaton slaps it away.

INTERCUT DOUG/KEATON:

DOUG:

Yeah, like people cracking wise,

f***ing with you or whatever.

KEATON:

It’s wives’ tale. But that bread

thing is true, it happened to a

bunch of concentration camp people.

DOUG:

Oh, for real? That’s too bad.

KEATON:

It is too bad. You know what else

is too bad?

DOUG:

What?

24.

KEATON:

My brother got a very upsetting

call from our buyers. They said

they waited for you to deliver the

product and you never showed.

DOUG:

F*** that, I just handed it off.

KEATON:

Where?

DOUG:

The place they told me to be! I got

a note under my door yesterday.

KEATON:

Who did you meet with?

DOUG:

Their girl. Her name was Tess.

KEATON:

What did she look like?

DOUG:

Nice hair. Dressed up. Didn’t look

like a dealer, that’s for sure.

KEATON:

Do you think maybe she didn’t look

like a dealer because she F***ING

WASN’T ONE?

The realization hits Doug. He mouths “f***” over and over.

INT. TESS & JENNA’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Tess and Jenna stare at the brick of cocaine. Faces blank.

TESS:

Do you think it’s okay to keep?

JENNA:

No, I don’t think this is okay to

keep. Nothing about this is okay.

TESS:

What do we do then?

JENNA:

Flush it! Flush it like they do on

f***ing The Wire, I don’t know!

25.

TESS:

Do you know how hard it is to get

real coke as an adult? We can’t

just flush this heavenly gift down

the same place you take your dumps.

Tess grabs some nearby SCISSORS and cuts a sliver of the bag

open. Then SNORTS SOME POWDER RIGHT OFF THE SCISSORS.

JENNA:

What’re you-

She holds the scissors out to Jenna.

JENNA (CONT’D)

No way. The first and last time I

did coke I stayed up for three days

cross-stitching.

TESS:

And where would our walls be

without that?

A closer look at the walls reveals spastic CROSS-STITCHINGS

of birds, cities, celebrities -- all of them terrible.

Jenna stares at the drugs, contemplating.

TESS (CONT’D)

Come on. This may be our last

chance to do something dumb

together before you’re domesticated

by a Norwegian windmill blade.

An eye roll from Jenna. She leans down, SNORTS --

JENNA:

Mother-F***!

BACK TO DOUG/KEATON:

DOUG:

I’m sorry, Keaton. It was an

accident. She just seemed nice, I-

KEATON:

Nice? If this goes any further

south, we’ll all end up in f***ing

caskets. Does that sound nice?

DOUG:

No, ma’am.

26.

KEATON:

No. So why don’t you get the

package, get the girl, and get the

hell back here to sort it out.

Doug listens, tail between his legs.

DOUG:

Why the girl?

KEATON:

Proof! We need to convince them

this bullshit mix-up is real, Doug.

I’m not sure showing them your SAT

scores is gonna be enough.

DOUG:

Right...

KEATON:

Now, where are you?

Doug looks up to street signs, orienting himself.

INT. TESS & JENNA’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT

NOW HIGH, Tess and Jenna hold the drugs above the toilet.

TESS/JENNA

One, two, three--

Jenna lets go of her side of the brick, but Tess refuses.

JENNA:

Tess! This is the fifth time we’ve

done this for f***’s sake!

Jenna’s spastic hands struggle to pry the brick from Tess,

accidentally DUMPING the drugs in and around the toilet.

JENNA (CONT’D)

Why did you do that?!

TESS:

Boo hoo, what’s the big deal?

JENNA:

The cocaine. The cocaine is

obviously the big deal.

They both drop down onto their knees, trying to clean it up.

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