Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll Page #6

So I go all the way over.

And I go over and I says to him,

"Your first film was great

and the rest were sh*t."

And he said,

"I don't give a f*** what you think."

And I said, "Oh, you're a c*nt."

And he said, "F***ing come on, then"

and then he f***ing smacked me

right in the face.

I mean, talk about overreacting.

F***ing nice fighter.

That's the most expensive fist

you'll ever have in your mouth.

Do you want stuffing with that?

Ooh.

Not too much for me, darling.

That's too much. Thanks.

"Home improvement expert

"Harold Hill of Harold Hill

"Came home to find another

gentleman's kippers in his grill

"So he sanded the geezer's winkle off

with a Black & Decker drill."

You're all right, Clive.

You know that?

Merry Christmas.

Go on, finish now.

Get on with the f***ing thing.

Something wrong with you, man?

"Stand up, sit down."

-I can't keep up with you.

-Oh, whinge, whinge, whinge.

I'm gonna be keeping my eyes on you.

Come out of my face

with that thing, man.

And my name is Desmond, not Sparky.

Desi. Desir. Desir.. .

-Desmond.

-All right, Desir.

Like your shirt, by the way.

I used to have one like that

in the 1 970s, you know.

Oi, come on, give us a smile.

What's wrong with that?

Come inside

and close the blood claat door, man.

F***ing Strang, Strang.

Now we get on with the show.

Right. Time is money. Money is time.

This is expensive equipment.

Can we do this?

Come on, then.

# Nol Coward

was a charmer

# As a writer he was Brahma

-# With. ..

l can't be dealing with this thing, man.

What was wrong with that?

That was perfect.

Do it again. Do it again.

Sorry. Sorry, guys.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

Please, please, please. All right.

They've got no f***ing sense

of humour, that lot, I tell you.

# Nol Coward

was a charmer.. . #

- Try pitching it up a little bit.

- What?

Pitch it. Pitch it.

Listen to the white boy and add pitch.

-Pitching? They want pitching.

-Okay, we're gonna do one more.

F*** 'em.

-This is ridiculous, man.

lt sound like a bad version

of Barry White.

-What the f*** did he just say?

-You better. ..

Chaz. What did he say?

All right. One more time.

Just. ..

Just cool the f*** down, man.

Get me up! Get me f***ing up.

You c*nt!

Look at my drums! Look at my drums!

You don't touch

one of my instruments, you. ..

That's it.

-Get out of my studio.

-Look, look. Look.

See, I've got egg all over

my f***ing face and I'm all right.

Jesus. I'll kill you!

-Just calm down.

-F*** off, mate.

-You is a dead man.

-Where's my f***ing manager?

You're a dead man. You're a dead man.

-Here are your eggs.

-You're a dead man.

The only thing a manager is good for

is doing up your fly

after a good f***ing wank.

Barry White. l'll give you

Barry f***ing White, you c*nt.

.. .never try to teach a pig to sing

because it wastes time

and it annoys the pig!

# Do re mi so far so good!

Police brutality!

I'm sorry.

I know. We all want to

escape ourselves.

Best to learn your place.

Accept your cripplage.

Denny.

It's good to see you.

I think I need a bit of saving.

Where you been?

Coming and going.

-Oi, oi.

-Oi, oi.

Ian, I, um. ..

-I need some time off.

-Yeah, don't we all?

Yeah, I need to, um, get away

and do my own stuff.

Don't be a doughnut.

There's plenty of time for all that

-when you've had a proper shave.

-I'm serious.

-Is there a boozer round here?

-Yeah, round the corner. The Feathers.

So, Baxter.

I understand you've found it difficult

to fit in at other schools.

Well, our motto here is ex corde vita.

Out of the heart springs life.

Baxter. Baxter.

Tell me,

what would you like to achieve here?

What would you like to do?

Hmm?

Baxter?

I'll tell you what.

I'll leave you alone for a moment,

just to have a little think.

# Arseholes, bastards,

f***ing c*nts and pricks

# Aerosol the bricks

# A lawless brat from a council flat

Oh, oh

Come on, Baxter.

That's it. Come on, sit up straight.

It's all right. It's okay.

Big, deep breaths. Big, deep breaths.

That's a good boy.

Come on, you can do it.

Fatten your lungs up.

In and out. In and out.

That's it. That's it.

I'm sorry.

-You're always saying you're sorry.

-Am I?

Yeah.

Well, that's 'cause.. .

Well, that's 'cause I am.

Okay.

You don't want to be like me, Baxter.

Please don't try and be like me.

You want to be like you.

We're all on our own, remember?

No, Dad. I'm here.

What's been going on?

Just the same, you know.

How are you?

Sometimes it doesn't work out, okay?

Sometimes you have to save yourself.

Did you have a nice time, Bax?

How's your dad?

"I'm fine, Mummy. Thanks for asking."

Mum? Mum? Mum!

Christ almighty.

Language.

You look terrible.

Thanks.

Grapes.

-I blame myself.

-For the grapes?

I've not been particularly full

of the joie de vivre.

All the colours have gone.

Wanted the world to go away, too.

It almost did.

Count the blessings

in the here and now, eh?

Tired, Ian.

Will you stay?

Of course I will.

-Okay, everyone. So this is Ian.

-Hello.

Ian used to be a student here

a few years back.

And everyone's very excited

about you being here, aren't we?

Well, thank you very much.

It's nice to be here.

Ian, I think you said it's okay

if people ask you questions.

Yeah, go on, pile them in.

Don't all rush at once.

-Okay, so.. .

-Who'll go first?

Finished? Is that it? Right.

Well, I'm off, then.

Oh, I don't know why they got so quiet

now. They were really noisy before.

Oh, yeah. Cortez, you wanted

to talk to Ian, didn't you?

-Hello.

-He says hello.

Oh, hello, mate. Hello. How you going?

You all right? What you been up to?

Did you always

want to be a singer?

-Did you always want to be a.. .

-Singer.

Well, I don't really think

of myself as a singer,

as it happens, I think of myself

as more of an entertainer, really.

You know,

I always wanted to get up on a stage.

Give it all that, you know.

I don't know how much longer

I can get away with it, really,

'cause I'm a bit of an old chap.

Anybody else?

-Do you believe in God?

-What's that?

Do you believe in almighty God

who created us in His image?

I believe in good,

which I think is the same thing.

But do you believe in God?

Up in heaven?

Oh, I used to, but, erm. ..

-But not any more.

-Why not?

Because I think that down here

on Earth, I think that's. ..

that's where you got

to get your nut together.

-Typical.

-Did you just say "typical"?

He's a cheeky

little bugger, isn't he?

You're gonna help me

write a song, okay?

You're going to help me

with the rhythm, right?

Now, rhythm.

Who's tricky with rhythm? Eh?

Right. Rhythm, I'll have you know,

is the longest word

in the English dictionary

without any vowels in it, right?

It's very, very special

because you can feel it right here.

I'm gonna give you a rhythm, all right?

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. Wait for it.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three.. .

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