Sex Ed Page #6

I understand why you feel that

way... I don't think you do.

Because I'm not just

some Bible thumper.

I don't think there's

anything wrong with sex.

Sex is a beautiful thing.

I love sex.

I make love to my wife

with great frequency.

That's great that you

have that in your marriage.

But sex is love,

and love is God.

And teaching sex

without God is wrong...

because you're

teaching a formula...

a mechanical exchange of fluids,

and if those children

see that as such,

they're gonna do it,

early and often.

Maybe you could come

and observe a class,

'cause I think

once you saw it in action,

you'd see that we approach

it with the respect...

and the sensitivity

that it deserves.

All right, Mr. Cole.

I'll give you that chance.

Great. Thank you.

Mmm! All right, he's in. Flip 'em.

Full f***ing house!

Son of a b*tch.

Hey!

How's it going?

Hey, how's the new place?

Dude.

Did you christen

the bed yet?

I got a date with her, man.

It's f***in' happening. What?

Mm-hmm. Are your parents

gonna drive you to the mall?

Maybe on a second date you can

finger her in the movie theater.

I'm not in a rush, man.

I really like this girl.

I like your style, Ed.

Thank you.

No, I do.

I think it's a noble way

to look at the situation.

- Oh, here we go again. - Blow it out

your ass, Hank. Okay? This is important.

Check it out. When I'm laying

in bed with my wife, right,

and she's sleeping

and I'm watching her...

and the minute

that she opens her eyes...

And you sit on her face.

Good morning, Vietnam!

JT, I'm trying to have

a conversation here.

Stop.

What I'm trying to say is, the

minute that she opens her eyes,

it's true love.

And we get to fall in love over and

over again with each passing day.

Jimmy, show him the picture.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Take a good, long look at that

right there. That's natural.

Motherhood is a

beautiful thing. Isn't it?

- Oh, let me see that.

- You've seen this.

Holy... That's your wife?

Easy.

Are those real?

That's the mother of my child,

you a**hole. Oh, I'm jealous.

We can take care of this

right now. Jimmy, calm down.

You show her tits to everyone in

town, so I can't say I blame the guy.

That's true.

Eddie? My office.

Your problem is that you think love and

super-hot nasty sex are mutually exclusive.

I love Ally, I do,

but that does not stop me...

from getting a hard-on and boning

that girl like a dime-store hooker.

I know, man. I get it. I'm

just playing this one my way.

Dude, f*** your way.

Your way is dropping $120

on prom night...

and ending up with yet

another case of blue balls.

The time has come.

The time has come

to turn those balls...

from a purplish navy

to a pale pink.

I get it, man. I do.

I want it.

I just want it

to be special.

And it will be special...

if you have these.

What are these?

The sh*t, my friend.

I had to order a whole

crate of 'em to get 'em.

They're from Canada.

They make you bigger,

they make you last longer...

and more importantly, they make

you come like a f***ing donkey.

F***in' Canadians, man.

Take one of these bad boys. Without 'em

you'll probably last like 15 seconds.

And you want it

to be special, right?

Yeah.

Great.

And when you blast

like eight f***in' ropes,

it's gonna be extra special.

Okay, guys, so yesterday

you wrote down your questions,

and today we're gonna read 'em

together and I'm gonna answer them.

And remember, there's nothing

to be embarrassed about.

There's no such thing

as a stupid question here.

So, Shelly, why don't you

pick one off the top...

and read it out loud.

I don't want to say

this question.

It's gross.

Okay, I'll read it. I'll decide

whether or not it's gross.

"Can a boy pee in a girl's

vagina when they're having sex?"

Yeah, I know it's funny,

but it's actually

a good question.

When a man has an erection,

the part of the urethra that connects

to the bladder gets pinched off.

So it's actually impossible

for a man to do that.

So, there you go.

Um, Leon.

Why don't you

do the next one.

Shelly, pass the box

back to Leon.

I don't think

I should say this question.

Leon, it's a science class.

There's no wrong questions here.

Okay.

The question is,

"What's a squirter?"

Okay. Okay. Um...

That is a, uh, slang term...

for when a female...

ejaculates during orgasm,

which we talked about,

so good question, basically.

Uh, next.

Can you get pregnant

the first time you have sex?

Yes, you can. If you are sexually

mature, you can get pregnant. Next.

Is there such a thing

as blue balls?

Can double penetration get you pregnant?

This is inappropriate.

Not a scientific question.

Not answering those.

"Can a minivan be a bang bus or

does it have to be full-sized van?"

Science.

We want science questions.

What does a vagina taste like?

Tito, that's not scientific.

Can a she-male

have sex with itself?

- Come on.

- I'm sorry, Reverend.

Does a tea bag feel good?

- Really?

- Does a tea bag taste good?

- Oh, this is ridiculous.

- Reverend.

Reverend, wait.

Reverend!

Reverend Hamilton.

Wait.

This class is a joke,

and you, sir,

are a joke of a teacher.

I will not support a question-and-answer

session by students...

my son included...

on oral sex.

These are their questions.

They need answers.

If I don't give them

the facts, who will? You?

You're indulging

these children, Mr. Cole.

You're encouraging

their worst instincts.

You had your chance.

All you've done is show me

that this cannot continue.

Does semen taste

like Chinese food?

Don't act like

you don't know.

I need a condom.

My girlfriend wants

to do it. She's ready.

Tito, you're

too young to have sex.

I think I'm gonna start missionary

to look into her eyes and all that.

But then it's all doggy style.

I'm gonna line that sh*t up.

Stop it. You gotta promise me

you're not going to do this.

Why?

'Cause you're not ready.

There's real emotions involved.

It-It's a real...

It's about teaching you so that

when you are ready, you'll be safe...

and that you'll

have respect for it.

That's bullshit.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm still gonna do it,

so are you gonna give me

the condom or not?

You have really pretty eyes.

What color are they?

They're blue, but they have

a little green and yellow.

Nice.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. I...

I've had a really rough day.

They're thinking

of canceling my class.

I've been teaching sex ed 'cause

I... I think they need to know it,

and... I gave out condoms

in class...

and this one parent

got really mad at me.

I can see why.

And I'm worried

about your brother.

Why are you worried

about my brother?

I think that he might try

and have sex tonight.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

How would you even know

he's gonna have sex?

'Cause he told me,

and he asked me for a condom.

And you gave it to him? Yeah.

What was I supposed to do?

I don't know. Maybe tell me,

his sister, so I could stop him.

And why are you giving out

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