Sex Ed Page #7

condoms to your students?

That's really weird. If he

asks me and then I tell on him,

then the next time

maybe he won't ask,

and then he may try

and have sex without a condom.

Basta. Whatever. We need

to go back to my house now.

He's probably there with her

alone. My mom is out tonight.

Tito! Hey, guys.

- What are you doing?

- We were watching The Notebook.

Oh, bullshit. Margarita,

you need to leave.

Eddie, you should leave too.

Are you sure? I can stay.

You've done enough already.

What? What do you mean?

This is your fault.

You gave him a condom and

taught him how to use it.

If I hadn't given him a condom, he

might have tried to have sex without one.

- Dude, I could have pulled out.

- No, man, you can't do that.

It doesn't work.

Sometimes pulling out works.

No... What?

No, it doesn't work!

This is why we need sex ed.

Eddie.

I want you to leave.

Really?

Yes.

All right.

Yo! Where you goin', son?

So you think it's cool to go out

with another guy's girl, huh?

Hey, she's a grown woman.

She can do what she wants.

Shut the f*** up.

Who do you think you are?

I'm a grown man.

I can do what I want.

I don't think so.

Tonight you're gonna get f***ed.

Who's gonna f*** me?

I am.

I'm gonna f*** you up.

# How long #

# Must I keep going on? #

You want some company

tonight?

Yeah, f*** it.

Yeah.

Got a headache.

Oh, no. The...

That's all right.

Never mind.

So, why don't you

tell me how you want it?

Normal, I guess. Um...

The-The... The standard.

How about I suck

your big cock first?

Yeah. Okay. Let me... Let

me put on a condom. A condom?

Yeah. Don't you know how easy it

is to get an S.T.D. from oral sex?

No. I had no idea.

Especially syphilis.

Fifteen percent of syphilis

transmissions happen through...

Oh, my God!

What is that?

Oh, sh*t.

Not again.

Oh, God.

Now you owe me an extra

hundred. That doesn't seem fair.

So, you get beat up, so you

decide to f*** a prostitute?

Yeah.

Except I didn't f*** her

'cause it wasn't a her.

It was a he, a guy...

the hooker.

Oh. Well, I retract

my earlier advice...

about you needing

to lower your standards.

You now need

to raise your standards.

I didn't know

it was a guy.

Sh... He was dressed like a girl, a

really pretty girl. Couldn't you just tell?

His hands were kind of rough.

What did you do

with his hands?

F***in' hell.

D...

You still got a boner, man.

You could hold up a bank

with that thing.

You took the load pills for a hooker?

What happened to what's-her-name?

We ended up tracking down her

little brother to cock-block him.

And then she kicked me out

because I gave him condoms.

That is a weird date.

I'm a virgin, JT.

I know.

Come on, nobody believes you

screwed that Canadian girl at camp.

You were too afraid

to talk to her.

There was a lot of tension.

Something could have happened.

Listen, Eddie,

it'll happen.

Everybody gets laid.

Your class is canceled until

I can hire somebody new.

These kids need this.

I like you, Eddie.

I really do.

But you shat the bed

on this one.

They're middle school students

having sex as we speak.

Uh...

Not right now, but...

I know, Eddie.

I know

they're out there f***in',

but you're done.

Sorry. There's nothing

I can do about it.

You here for a bagel?

No, baby, I'm here for you.

Talk to me.

What's goin' on?

Where you been?

Well,

a few nights ago I got

the sh*t kicked out of me,

and then I paid $70

to almost f*** a dude.

A dude. With a dick.

And then I got fired.

Hot damn.

Do I have a faraway look

in my eyes?

Like something's

haunting me?

You look like

you've seen terrible things.

I need to have had sex

just once...

just to get that confidence.

Fool, you gotta stop looking at

life as a series of checklist items.

Stop thinking about

whether or not you've had sex...

and start thinking about what you need

to do to become the man you want to be.

The man you wanna be isn't

just someone who f***ed a woman.

It's someone who knows what

he wants and goes after it.

Ask yourself,

"Who's the man I wanna be?"

Is he a bagel man?

No. He's a teacher.

You're damn straight he is.

Does he want to eat a butt?

No. No, he does not.

But he could if he wanted to,

because he knows what he wants.

Hey.

I just wanted to come by

and apologize.

Okay.

So, I'm sorry.

Fine.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I really don't.

I'm just trying

to do the right thing.

I get it.

I like you.

I really do.

We hardly know each

other, and you're Tito's teacher.

Yeah, but I wanna live in a

world where this can happen,

where a guy can pursue a woman

with grand gestures.

That's really sweet.

So here's my grand gesture.

What is that?

It's an oboe.

Oh.

It's a woodwind.

It's not really meant

to be played unaccompanied.

It's all right.

Um, it was beautiful.

Let's do something right now.

Why don't you show me someplace

you love in the city.

Okay.

Are there any alligators

in this river?

Come on.

I just need to know if I'm

gonna have to protect you.

Are you a big

alligator wrestler?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Can't you tell?

These big muscles.

Come on. I'm gonna show

you my favorite spot.

Where'd you grow up?

Sarasota.

Do you miss it? It's still

kind of close. I can go back.

I mean high school.

Not really.

I do.

Had a bunch of friends.

I'm still friends

with all of them.

I mean, they didn't, like, shove

me into lockers or anything.

I wasn't that kid, but...

I bet you were a huge nerd.

Yeah. I was a nerd,

and it was awesome.

I want to take you out tonight

to my favorite club.

I'm not really

a big club guy.

Come on.

You'll like it.

Don't you want to see what you've been

missing out with all the cool kids?

Sure.

Okay.

Bobby!

Mwah. Look at you.

Turn around.

Hot damn, girl.

What's up?

Um, it's just the two of us.

Is that cool?

Look, you're good.

It's kind of crazy in there

right now so, uh, no dudes.

We can just go to the bar

by my apartment.

Is it okay if I just go in

and say hi to some friends?

I'll be quick.

She ain't coming back, man.

What?

Yeah, I've seen this a hundred times

before, man. Club's got her now.

Dude, we're on a date.

We just made out.

Oh, you just made out?

Yeah.

You just on a date?

I'm telling you, when that music gets in

your system like it's getting in her system...

Oh, my God, she is feeling it

in every part of her body, man.

It's the music.

It's not her.

Champagne, jewels, caviar,

fur coats...

I mean, people just

wearing fur coats for no reason.

There's some Stephen Hawking

sh*t going on in there, man.

It's like a wormhole.

The pull of the dance floor...

She can't help herself.

Sex. Can't forget about sex.

Okay?

I'm mad 'cause

I'm feeling it now, okay?

I would rather be in there, but

I'm outside with you right now.

So here's what I need you... Here's

what I need you to do for me, okay?

I need you to go home...

And this is your best bet.

Just go home, have a quick

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