Sgt. Bilko Page #7

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- Powers?|- Can't he, for instance, have a soldier...

...trans...

Trans... atlantic?

Trans... vestite?

- Transferred!|- What a wonderful idea.

Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning.

It'd have to be somewhere where there'd|be no chance of him making trouble again.

Greenland?

He's been out walking|by himself for, like, four hours.

- What's he doin'?|- He's thinkin'.

- I thought I heard him crying.|- He even asked for a box of tissues.

I guess you're happy.

Yeah. He hated the sarge.|He was probably helping Thorn to get him.

- I was not!|- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is Bilko we're|talkin' about here. Bilko!

Nobody gets the best of Bilko. Come on!

- That's right.|- He'll think of somethin'.

Remember when I got the letter from|my wife sayin' she wanted to break up?

- Remember what Bilko did?|- He got your wife back?

No, he got me another wife. A better wife!

- Yeah!|- He'll come up with his best plan ever.

Listen, I pity Major Thorn.|When Bilko gets done with him...

- Sarge!|- Ten-hut!

Hey, Sarge!

- Sarge!|- Sarge! You've come back!

Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted.

Fall in and look this way!

Hello, soldiers.

I'm talking to you.|Because that's what you are really.

Soldiers, every last one of you -|with a couple of exceptions.

- He's got a plan.|- He sure does.

I wanna tell you a little story.|There was once a little boy...

...and that little boy had a dream to run|one of the most sophisticated...

...illegal gaming operations|the US Army has ever seen.

- He's not worried.|- Not a bit.

And that little boy's dream came true.

But now they're trying to|snatch that dream back from him.

- He is worried.|- That's not good.

But what are the last two letters|in the name Bilko? K-O!

Of course, the first are B-I-L,|which is meaningless.

But still, am I giving up? No! Never!|Well, kind of, but not really...

...because there is no way|I am going to Greenland.

Well, you're probably wondering|if I have a plan.

Well, of course I have a plan!|A P-L-A-N. Plan.

But...

- He's got no plan.|- We're screwed.

- I have a plan, Sarge.|- But maybe a plan is not what I need!

What I really need is just a little puppy.

A little puppy with big, brown eyes|who'll just come to me and lick my face...

...and just love me so much,|no matter what kind of person I am.

Sarge, I really do have a plan.

Oh, so now you have a plan.|Well, let's hear your plan, Wally.

What if the hovertank did work? That'd|prove you haven't diverted the money.

Oh! That is so stup... What?

That would prove you hadn't been|diverting the money. Wouldn't it?

Are you saying you can get|the hovertank to work?

No, of course not. But we don't need to|hold four aces if they think we hold 'em.

Permission to speak freely?

Tell me a bit more about this plan,|because I think that's actually...

If they come, deny everything.|Just act dumb.

Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.

I love the nightlife, I like to boogie

I like to rock all night long

Ahem.

Oh... it's you, Bilko.

Sir, if I could talk with you|just for a moment.

If you've come to talk about Greenland,|you're wasting your time.

Frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed.

Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest|week's pay for an honest day's work.

- I didn't steal money, sir.|- Please, Bilko.

Let's just say goodbye.

And thank you.

- For what, sir?|- Well, for...

...always making me feel like|I actually ran this place.

Good old Fort Baxter.

I guess your garden|is one of the things you'll miss most.

Ah, yes. I love...

- Miss? Why miss?|- The colonel hasn't heard?

- In that case, it must not be true.|- What? Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter?

You didn't hear it from me.

Take good care of yourself in...|I've said enough.

Have you heard where they're sending me?

- You're stepping on your flowers.|- The hell with them! Where?

- Where are they sending me?|- It's just rumour, sir.

Oh, that fair skin|under the burning desert sun...

Oh, my God. The desert sun.

Remember, if you get lost, travel by night.

- How can they do this to me?|- The hovertank test was the last straw.

Too bad they didn't schedule it this week.

Well...

- Goodbye.|- Wha...? Wait!

- You mean the hovertank is working?|- Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir:

..."Arrange a public demonstration ASAP."

"Call the Pentagon|and the Department of the Army. "

- All right.|- I've already taken that liberty, sir.

- Thank you.|- Oh, that picture of you...

...standing triumphant at the test.

That'll keep me warm|on those lonely nights in Greenland.

In Greenland, sir.

Oh. Yes.

Well, goodbye.

- Ah, Bi...|- Yes, sir?

If the test goes well,|you won't be transferred.

Well, thank you, sir! I'm stunned!

Just as a formality,|I've put that in writing.

If you could just sign here|and here, and initial here.

- Here?|- Uh, no. Here.

And I'll just notarise that.

- And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee.|- Oh. Thank you.

Here you are. Good day.

No, it'll hover. But as before...

...it will go completely haywire|if we attempt to fire the cannon.

We know that. We just need|a couple of hours with it.

- Let's get started.|- It's a $70-million piece of equipment.

You think I'm gonna allow|one of your men to fool around with it?

- I think not.|- Oh. Mm-hm.

Oh, boy. Oh, my, is it hot in here or what?

What's this? Oh!|I almost forgot I had these.

It's the IOUs from the poker game.

- Would he like to use my tools?|- That would be nice.

- You saw it?|- Yeah, it blew up the ammunition shed.

- A perfect hit.|- The hovertank?

- I thought that thing was busted.|- Yeah, it was.

But the kid, Wally, he fixed it.

He said the key was the...

The...?

The fire-control|and super-elevator board.

- Imagine that.|- Yeah, the super-elevator board.

And the great thing is, if it works|at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay.

Great!

Yeah.

- Wonderful to see you again, General.|- You, too, Colonel. Mrs Hall.

- And, of course, you know Major Thorn.|- Thorn.

- Tank crew ready, sir.|- Very good, Bilko. General.

Master Sergeant Bilko.|It's an honour to meet you.

- You look terrific! Have you lost weight?|- Who is this?

Members of Congress, General Tennyson,|colleagues from the defence industries...

...distinguished guests, welcome.

The weapon system|you are about to see today...

...can be called the world's first|truly all-terrain assault vehicle...

...which I'm proud to say was developed|entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter.

I give you the armoured attack platform|to lead American defence forces...

...into the 21st century.|The HTX-1 hovertank.

Water and rough terrain can stop|an ordinary M1 or APC...

...but the hovertank can literally rise|above these obstacles.

And that is the capability|we will show you here today.

Hovertank, you are looking good.

Hovertank, fire when ready. Hoo-ah!

Ha. This little bird packs a deadly punch.

Fire in the hole!

- You hit the wrong button, Rastahead!|- It's not my fault! He wired it wrong!

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