Shanghai Kiss Page #3

Look, you're the cool

older guy right now.

But in 10 years,

you're just gonna

be the old guy.

Just-- just take her to

school in the mornings,

that's it.

- and make sure that--

- Liam, she has parents.

She's not

Little Orphan Annie.

What do you want me to do?

Give her some clam chowder

and send her to bed?

Sh*t! She was doing

just fine before

you got there.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

- I just--

- no no no no.

I'm right.

I like to hear that.

All right,

never mind. Forget it.

- Sh*t.

- What?

Well, she was

supposed to be

here an hour ago.

She stood me up.

She stood-- no,

she stood me up.

Maybe she just got

lost or something?

No, she thinks

I'm ugly, a Republican

- or both.

- yeah, what's with

the brown suit?

- I mean you look

like Ronald Reagan.

I asked--

I asked you about this.

What-- that's probably

what happened.

This is what Darwin was

talking about when he said

"natural selection,"

only I'm the one

that wasn't selected.

Joe, women are

absolutely everywhere.

Okay? You see that girl

at the counter?

- Yeah.

- What do you give her?

Solid six.

You flip her around,

you get a nine.

Go talk to her.

- Come on, dude.

- What?

- No, I can't.

- Why?

- That's ridiculous.

- Why is that ridiculous?

Are you kidding?

Don't you think

it's a little psycho,

just walking up

to a girl?

Yeah, it's psycho

if you shank her in

the shower afterwards.

All right.

I'll just walk up and...

Yeah, don't bring

a knife.

I'm not bringing the knife--

I'm just...

I look like Ron Reagan!

Yeah, on a good day.

(whispering)

Hesitation leads

to masturbation.

(clears throat)

- Hi.

- Huh?

Oh.

Hi.

Is this the butter?

I hope

your plane crashes.

- Maybe he's her brother.

- They kissed.

What, is she

Angelina Jolie?

(sighs)

Can I order a big

bowl of shame, please?

(jet engine whines)

Hey, that's me.

- You're Liam?

- Yes, Liam.

- How nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- Where'd you get this?

- Your father send to me.

- Do you like it?

- Uh, I don't know.

Oh, my name is Ling Ming,

your cousin.

- Ling Ming?

- Yes.

- Your name rhymes,

that's beautiful.

Thank you.

Come on, let's go.

Why didn't they

give you the house?

Actually, I'm not part

of Liu family.

The family name is just

passed on through the sons.

My mother marry

into Ming family.

Ah. So where

am I staying?

Uh, Jin Mao Tower.

- tower?

- yeah.

- I'm staying

in a tower?

Yes.

What am I, Rapunzel?

(rock music playing)

this reaching height

15 miles high

nothing but the sky

shining in your eyes

this reaching height

15 miles high

nothing but the sky

shining in your eyes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, do we tip them

or something?

- Not necessary.

- No?

(lock beeps)

Please.

Hey, how do you

say "thank you"?

(speaks Chinese)

- Uh, "shialo."

- No no--

No gratuity necessary.

Oh, it's okay,

I'm not being gratuitous,

just giving you a tip.

- Thank you.

- Oh no.

We don't need to tip

for anything here.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- This is like

Jewish heaven.

Yeah.

(speaks Chinese)

Wow, look at that.

- If I have--

- Oh sorry.

If I have a house here,

why am I in a hotel?

Uh, house empty,

all furniture is gone.

But don't be worried.

We'll meet the buyer tomorrow,

You'll get money

and then go back

to America.

- it's no problem.

- okay.

So what about tonight?

What's the plan, Stan?

- You're Stan in

this scenario, by the way.

okey-dokey.

What do you want to do?

("Let the Music Play"

playing)

(Liam singing flatly)

we started dancing

and love put us

into a groove

as soon

as we started to move

the music played while

our bodies displayed

through the dance

and love picked us

out for romance...

(crunching)

What the hell is this?

- Wasabi pea.

- You can say

that again.

Wasabi pea.

- (laughs)

- (door opens)

Ah.

(speaking Chinese)

(speaking Chinese)

You... America!

- yeah.

- You want to go

for company?

Go--

go for what?

For "company"? Hmm?

- yeah yeah yeah.

- yeah yeah yeah.

Nice nice nice.

You must be have

much money. Girls!

(speaks Chinese)

American!

Smile, please.

(speaking Chinese)

Pick.

- Uh, pick?

- Do you like?

Um, I--

help me out here.

I don't know...

- Which one should I pick?

- Is up to you.

Whatever your taste.

I don't want to hurt

anybody's feelings.

You won't

hurt feelings.

- Just pick.

- I was never picked

for dodgeball,

It always hurt

my feelings.

Okay, it's not big deal.

Just pick.

- Um...

- Ah!

Look, you like. Hmm.

Have your eye on Amy.

Amy?

Is that her name?

Yeah. Amy is very sweet.

If you can touch

her smell.

(clucks tongue)

Ew, touch her smell.

Okay. Okay?

- okay.

- mmm. Amy.

(speaking Chinese)

- Aha!

- Hi.

Hi.

Woman:

bye-bye!

LIAM:

She's crazy.

Do you like her?

- Um...

- (laughs)

- My name is Amy.

- Amy? My name is Liam.

- Liam?

- Liam.

Mmm. Funny kind

of name.

Yeah well,

I'm a funny kind of guy.

So you come here often?

First come here.

Oh, first--

first come here.

Um... I like

your earrings.

No no,

not him. Me.

- Oh.

- I like the--

You know.

- Oh, thank you.

- They're very round.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

That's my

favorite shape.

Okay, don't talk to him.

He's not even there.

- Okay.

- Don't you have to

go somewhere?

All right.

...Her say, yeah yeah

come a little bit closer,

you're my kind of man

so big and so strong

come a little bit closer,

I'm all alone

and the night

is so long...

You--

you should sing.

No, I do not sing.

If I sing, everybody

in room will run.

No.

No, I'm sure

you're not that bad.

Trust me, that bad.

Okay okay,

I believe you.

Hey, you want to--

you want to go?

- uh...

- you want to go?

- LING:
I know,

yes, I know...

Okay.

No no no!

Us-- you, me.

We go.

Both of us.

Uh, you want me

to go with you?

You-- you want to--

You want me

to want you to go...

with me?

I'm confusing you.

Let's go.

You wanna go?

Um...

Yes?

You, me.

You me, both.

One two, go.

(lock beeps)

Oh. Nice room.

Thanks.

Great view.

What you want

to do now?

Whatever.

You tell me.

(phone ringing)

- Excuse me.

- Okay.

- Hello?

- Is this my very

sexy Chinese man?

- How'd you get this number?

- I have my ways.

Remember,

I'm a natural genius.

I just got in

a couple of hours ago.

Well, why haven't you

called me? I wonder,

I wonder.

My cousin was showing me

around a little bit.

Oh, what have you seen?

Um...

I saw a guy

on a unicycle,

saw a K.F.C.

That's about it.

Uh, I'm going to

take a shower, okay?

(Liam whispers)

Okay okay!

Is-- is someone there?

Um, I ordered

room service.

The girl was

just bringing up

a late dinner.

You know I can't really

take that airplane food.

Yeah, you and your

sensitive digestive tract.

How's, uh,

how's Shanghai?

It's beautiful.

My hotel room

is on the 85th floor.

I can see Japan

from my window.

And how's it look?

Let's just say that if

they're planning a sneak

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