Shooting Fish Page #3

Non-dairy?

No cows. Stays fresh.

Um, no. Black's fine. Thanks.

Yes, you can.

I booked four tickets

for Mr. Andrew Lloyd Webber's...

How about a Bourbon biscuit?

No. Best not.

Trying to keep off them.

And there was

no record of our booking.

As a result...

we had to stand in the rain

for 45 minutes, which--

No, I am not done!

My youngest, Jessica,

caught a throat infection.

Her glands are now

dangerously high...

and she is a goddamned

asthmatic!

What do you intend

to do about that?!

No, I will not go on hold!

Four complimentary tickets

for Saturday night.

OK, sure. Two in the stalls,

two in the boxes.

Yeah. Ricky Lee Hasselhoff.

Umlaut on the "0."

Jez, Jez, Jez.

Show her

that Van der Graaf thingy.

Would you like to see?

Let me at it.

Operator?

The crackle

is still on the line.

Can you hear it?

I'd like a refund

for the last two calls I made.

Could you pass me

the strip light?

Yes, of course

I'll confirm that in writing.

Is it free post?

Ah! Ha ha!

This is how it works.

The static electricity activates

particles in the tube...

causing molecular friction,

and it lights up.

Wow.

And--if you'll take...

Oh.

If we make a connection,

the static will travel through.

Hee hee! That's wonderful.

Oh, look. Ha ha.

What are we doing?

Oh! Neat.

Would you allow me the pleasure

of taking you...

to the theater

on Saturday night?

Do you ask

all your secretaries...

to go to the theater

on their first day?

Actually,

it's something of a tradition.

Who am I

to deprive an American...

of what little tradition

he can get?

I'd love to come.

Listen, thank you very much.

Hello. It's me.

About the rest of my money...

- I'll have it at the theater.

- Better, or it's curtains.

Bye.bye.

Bye.

Bye.

That is a thing of beauty.

Who you're flirting with.

Have you fallen?

No, I haven't.

You got a little bit

of a crush?

- You're wasting your time.

- I know.

You're good-looking,

and I'm too technical.

You've got

to stop punishing yourself.

You're not too technical,

just ugly--gross ugly.

But why do I have

to talk about diodes...

resistors, parallel interface?

I mean, I can see them

start to drift off...

begging me to stop.

I try and be like

I am with you, but--

You gotta relax.

You're too nervous.

Don't think Virgin Madonna.

Think Madonna Madonna.

Oh, sh*t! It's a gearshift.

Well...

Ah. Just there.

That's fine.

I know it's been a long day...

and it's very late, but you

must remember, students...

that without a thorough

grounding in anatomy...

no future doctor

can hope to have...

any knowledge

of the parts of the body...

or to be able to...

This arrived after you left.

I'm sorry. Could you open it?

It's from Roger.

"Darling Georgie,

the deeds are completed at last.

"I'm buying the foundation...

"so the staff, the patients,

and your brother are safe.

"My gift to you in the merry

month of September...

"on our wedding day."

The foundation

isn't going to the tax man!

I know!

Sorry.

I rang Robin.

He was really excited.

You read the telegram?

Of course.

For Christ sake,

you're my sister.

I was just really looking

forward to us doing that.

You know, letting Robin

know it's all right.

Oh, sh*t. That was bad,

wasn't it? I'm sorry.

Georgie, are you OK about this?

Yeah. No, Roger's lovely.

He's handsome...

generous... punctual.

And punctuality is important.

Yes, it is.

Robin and I are going to be

living with you in the house.

Yeah, you better had be.

You'll be shocked

by what's to try on...

when you shop at World of Nylon.

Is that good?

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, fine. That's good.

Uh-uh-uh-uh. One more.

OK. How about this one?

"In not more than eight words...

"explain why you buy

Zappy Nappies."

I buy Zappy Nappies

for my kids...

Sh*t. I've run out of words.

We could try just that.

What, I buy Zappy Nappies

for my kids?

Sh*t.

I've got it!

Weighs less than a bun,

holds more than a ton.

Completely disgusting.

But it's honest.

And honesty gets you...

A year's free supply

of Zappy Nappies.

What do we want with

a year's supply of diapers?

In one of those

baby care CD-ROMS...

it says a baby relieves himself

eight point two times a day.

Eight point two?

That means

he gets his nappy changed...

once every three hours

to avoid chapping.

Isn't that a little rash?

Which is 2,920 nappies a year.

A pack of 50 costs,

what, eight pounds?

Four-hundred

and sixty-seven pounds, twenty.

We sell them half-price to Gary,

who'll collect.

And we make...235.

Come on. Get up.

We gotta go out.

Out.

We go...

To places...

Where everything feels amazing.

No need to pretend.

We know we're good friends...

Start up.

Oh!

Sorry. Hi.

My notes,

I left them in your car.

You look tired.

I am. I'm exhausted.

I didn't get any sleep

last night.

I didn't get any sleep

last night.

I'll get your notes.

Thanks.

So, nice van.

Oh, um, yesterday,

with that paper bag...

how did you know that?

You, what, you hit first aid

in high school or--

No. Medical school.

Oh, right. The notes.

You're a typist

in medical school.

No.

I'm training to be a doctor.

You're--Oh, wow.

A doctor.

Wow. With secretarial skills.

Hey, Jez, did--Doctor.

Doctor.

- Your notes.

- Thank you.

Oh, Jez,

I meant to ask you yesterday...

what was the name

of the orphanage you donate to?

It's, um...

We give, but we really

don't like to talk about it.

We're very much like

Phil Collins in that respect.

I can see why you

don't like to talk about it.

We'll see you Saturday?

See you Saturday.

Hey,

what are you doing today?

I have to study.

Would you allow us

the pleasure of...

feeding you breakfast first?

Yeah, I guess you owe me one.

What are we doing here?

Insulation.

Insulation?

Insulation.

Third prize

in the DIY competition.

Insulation?

I can see it now.

She's a stunningly

attractive woman.

It means

she's relaxed in our company.

If she relaxes any more,

it could get very messy.

Don't. She might hear you.

Jez, look at her.

She's wrecked.

God only knows

what she was up to last night.

You're twisted.

She's got charm and warmth and--

And neat little sit-up breasts.

Right. Cranworth Crescent.

It's hardly a crescent, is it?

All right. Number 57.

What is this?

James Stratton-Luce.

Hello. Can I help you?

Hello, Mrs...

Stratton-Luce.

What do you want?

James asked us to come round...

and slot insulation

for your lovely new abode.

Did he?

Yes, he did.

Hundred pound down payment

for today.

Right.

Well, you'd better come in.

He did leave you

the 50 balance?

No, he didn't.

Oh, right.

Well, we could come back--

Could we come back later

this week?

Yes, but lose the down payment.

You'll lose your down payment.

I'll scrape something together.

Great. Thwartman,

let's get the hardware in.

Thwartman?

That's the worst English Accent.

Why are we insulating

this woman's loft?

Trust me.

Mrs. Stratton-Luce!

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