Shotgun Wedding Page #10

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Everyone just--

[ Stammers ]

stay calm

for just a moment.

Now, we are not

calling the police.

Do you have any idea

how much this wedding cost?

- Flip--

- I am up

for reelection...

in November, for God's sake.

What do you think

it will look like...

if they discover

a mass murder under my nose?

That prick Beaumont

will bury me in scandal.

Don't any of you people

ever think about anyone

other than yourself?

- Daddy!

- I am going to call the sheriff

on his private line.

He owes me a favor--

a big one.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to make

this problem go away.

We are all gonna go out there

and have a beautiful wedding.

Now, my boys will

collect the bodies...

and make it look like

it was a...

gas explosion

or something.

You are a judge.

You can't just

cover up a crime.

Of course I can,

honey.

It's like the time

your Uncle Frank

killed that prostitute.

Uncle Frank never killed

a... prostitute.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God.

That's right.

It was that retarded gentleman

that we executed for it.

Nice fella.

Um, all right.

- Oh, my God.

- All right, now look.

- The only way

this is gonna work--

- You okay?

is if all of us never talk

about anything that happened

this weekend ever again.

This has to go to your graves,

or I'll put you there myself.

No, no, no.

All right.

Now,

is everyone ready

to take a vow of silence?

- [ Guests Affirming ]

- I am! Absolutely!

I am!

You betcha.

Yep. Yep.

- Yeah.

- Always.

I love you, honey.

[ Milton ]

All right, knock 'em dead.

I'm gonna throw up

on my dress.

That's okay.

That's appropriate.

Wait a minute.

These goddamn cameras

getting all of this?

Pretend

we're not here!

- Give me those tapes.

- Well, we record

onto hard drives.

- And we're gonna edit

all this sh*t out anyway.

- Bullshit.

- Why are the cameras

still rolling then, huh?

- Well, the--

Grab him, Ted!

Go on! Come on. Hurt him.

[ Woman ]

Get him!

[ Ted ] I'm trying.

Robert, grow a dick, will ya?

Help out.

- Go get him.

- Come on! Get him!

- No, no, no, no!

- Get him! Get him!

- [ All Shouting, Chattering ]

- Excuse me, sir.

- [ Grunting ]

- [ Yelling ]

[ Yelling ]

There's not gonna be

any wedding!

[ Marvin Panting ]

I came back

to run some mash-up ideas

by you, Rosemary.

I heard everything.

I heard everything!

We are calling the cops

like men of honor!

I'm shocked at you, Uncle Flip.

Marvin, you know

better than any of us...

sometimes killing

is necessary.

In war!

Or, like, if an English dude

is here to break up a wedding.

But covering up mass murder?

You killed Declan. Don't you

want to cover this up too?

Declan's dead?

Yeah. Sorry.

[ Sobbing ]

No!

- I was following orders!

- I--

That's not a legal defense!

And I never said

you should shoot him.

You nodded.

Don't deny it.

I can't believe you lied to me.

I thought you were my captain.

Marvin, now, trust

your Uncle Flip.

Give me that phone.

- Come on!

Come on, now! Come on!

- No!

- I won't do it!

- [ Screaming ]

I am placing you all

under a citizen's arrest...

by power of

the United States Marine Corps!

[ Inhaling, Exhaling ]

You know what the worst part

about this is?

Now no one is gonna get to hear

my Awesome-sauce deejay set.

The beats

were so crunchy!

- So crunchy!

- [ Sobbing ]

Stop crying!

The beats were gonna be

so crunchy!

Marvin,

I was at your baptism,

for God's sake.

Come on now.

- [ Guests Yelling ]

- [ Gasping ]

- He's a big one!

- Pull!

- Pull!

- [ Gunshots ]

- [ Woman Screaming ]

- [ Choking, Coughing ]

- [ Gunshots ]

- [ Milton ] Down, everybody!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.

- Go on! Get out!

Get out!

Reload! Reload!

He's out of bullets!

Just keep hanging on!

No, he's got more bullets.

Oh, no! No! No reloading!

[ Gunshot ]

No!

Marvin, stop!

[ Woman Screams ]

- [ Gunshots Continue ]

- [ Marvin Groaning ]

[ Yvette Groans ]

- [ Gunshot ]

- [ Gasps ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Groaning ]

Awesome-sauce.

- [ Knocking ]

- Hey, is everything

okay in there?

[ Milton ]

We're fine. Fine.

I-I can't see.

[ Milton ]

All of us. Aren't we?

Okay, everybody.

We're putting on

a big show here. Okay?

Game face.

Remember your vows.

Honey, get started.

Cameraman,

you gonna film this?

That's what

I'm here to do.

Good.

Well, we'll talk later

about all that other stuff.

I suppose

you're gonna want a bonus.

Sit with me

out there.

Oh, of course, sweetie.

I am the maid of honor!

[ Giggles ]

I'm so happy right now.

Rosemary and I together,

we're like a fairy tale.

Thank you.

Let's do this.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

You still have a little

cocktail sauce on your shirt.

No, don't. That's blood.

Gross.

Oh.

Hey, I think I thought

of the perfect vow.

As long as we live,

for richer or poorer,

in sickness and health,

I will never let anything

like this happen ever again.

You do?

I do.

I do too.

[ Giggles ]

Okay?

See you out there.

Mm-hmm.

[ Sighs ]

Sweetheart?

[ Chuckles ]

Things got

a little messy, huh?

Sometimes

to have a good life,

you have to do

bad things.

Do you understand?

Smart girl.

I'm proud of you.

You ready for

the biggest adventure

of your life?

Okay.

Come with me

And you'll see

where you belong

[ Continues ]

[ Steve ]

You must have something to say

about your wedding.

Robert, are you okay?

Robert.

Robert.

Robert!

Hey!

What are you doing,

husband?

I-- I-- I just wanted

to say a little something

for the video.

Uh, really?

[ Milton ]

We are all very excited...

to have finally tied the knot

with Robert's family.

[ Yvette ]

We are one family now.

We know how

to get things done.

[ Milton ]

Today's adventure...

creates a bond not only

between Rosemary and Robert,

but... between all of us

here today.

[ Yvette ]

Good sex, bad sex.

Any marriage

will have both of them.

The key to a good marriage

is trust.

The real key...

is love for your children.

[ Steve ]

Any thoughts for

the future?

And when Robert

and Rosemary,

God willing,

give us

some grandchildren--

[ Whispering ]

[ Steve ]

What did she say?

We're done with cameras

for now.

I know for a fact...

they will do

whatever they need to do

to give them a good life.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

I was under the ground

When you

turned it around--

When you

turned it around--

[ News Theme ]

Unpleasant news today

from Pleasant Valley.

Six bodies were found

mutilated and burned.

They were discovered

near where the victims

had been abducted...

from a wedding taking place

at a well-known family's

vacation home.

The father of the bride:

four-term state judge

Philip "Flip" Milton,

who escaped unharmed.

Here's what he

had to say.

- Judge! Judge!

- My family and I are

deeply, deeply saddened...

by the death

of our dear friends.

I am suspending all

political campaign activity

effective immediately,

although I remain

in the race.

But now is not

the time for politics.

That's all for now.

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